The Phil Laws

In the immortal words of Billy Blazejowski, “I’m an idea man Chuck.” In my last post I used my now familiar phrase, “When I’m elected President or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first…” A comment by ChooChoo made me realize how often I have uttered those words on this page. In an effort to further my candidacy for both of those positions, I have compiled, to the best of my knowledge, all of the laws that have followed the phrase “When I’m elected President or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first…” I also will throw in a few others that popped up in other contexts on my blog, but which will be implemented when I’m elected. These laws will henceforth be known as The Phil Laws.

1. No more Leap Year extra day. Make all months exactly the same length.
2. No more Daylight Savings Time.
3. The elderly will only be allowed to drive motor vehicles or use supermarkets during certain hours of the day.
4. It should be perfectly legal to fire off a warning shot at any driver who slows his or her vehicle to gawk at an accident.
5. You may not use rhetorical questions in a public setting unless you have been tested and deemed competent to do so. If you use or respond to a rhetorical question improperly any willing observer has the right to punch you in the forehead.
6. The pope should wear a baseball hat backwards instead of that giant dunce cap he always has on.
7. A 1-year ban on Britney Spears “news.”
8. You cannot use a cell phone if you are in your own office building. Walk down the freakin’ hall and pick up your desk phone you moron.
9. It will be perfectly legal to punch a cell schizo in the mouth if they annoy you by walking around gesturing wildly and talking aloud to no one while wearing a cell headset.
10. Pregnant women should not tell their male co-workers how dilated they are.
11. Supreme Court Justices will wear jeans, sneakers, and t-shirts. No more robes. That’s just stupid. The dress code is the reason I’ve never become a Supreme Court Justice.
12. Congress will no longer be able to waste their time and our taxpayer dollars investigating cheating in sports or making laws about what men can and can’t do in an effort to meet women.
13. Hurricane names must be something scary, not just a normal name. Who’s going to flee something like Hurricane Ed? I believe that far less people would have perished if Hurricane Katrina had been mamed Hurricane Deathtron. You flee a storm named Deathtron. No one was scared by Katrina.
14. Anything you can play while sitting at a table or drinking alcohol is not a sport. Also, if the winner is subjectively chosen by a panel of judges, it is not a sport. All the aforementioned activities have no place on television.
15. The only place you can be nude in your local gym locker room is in the shower. The rest of the time, wear a towel.
16. Celebrities from other countries cannot criticize a government other than their own.
17. Funerals should include drinking and entertainment.
18. Schools need to request parental permission before exposing your child to a mime.
19. No putting bible verses on Halloween candy.
20. A ten-year ban on reality shows.
21. All evidence of the television show Everybody Loves Raymond will be obliterated from existence.
22. All public bathroom stalls will be as big as the handicapped stalls.
23. No more horseback riding.
24. No saying “See you next year” on Dec. 31st.
25. No more writing paper checks. Get yourself a debit card and stop holding up the lines at the supermarket.
26. The word ‘whatnot’ shall be struck from the English language.
27. From this day forward everyone will ignore David Blaine.
28. Future Presidential elections will be done American Idol style.

There it is. If you read it all then you definitely qualify as my new best friend and possible future Vice-President.

31 responses to “The Phil Laws

  1. Phil, you’re <>my<> new best friend.See ya next year,Sher

  2. why no horseback riding? can you amend #26 to include banning the phrase, “it’s neither here nor there”?re: #17: obviously you’ve never been to an irish wake. next time someone dies, i’m inviting you to the party.

  3. Phil, come to sunny AZ. They don’t practice day light savings time all year long, every year!!!

  4. You know…one day, you will be that old, and regret the fact that your law prevented you from leaving your house during certain times of the day to do the stuff you have to do.Because, what if in 30 years, your wife has a serious emergency, and you have to drive her to the hospital, but cant becasue of your own ignorance 30 years prior.And I know your witty come back is going to be something like “well i am the exception to my laws”. I assure you, thats not that witty…come up with something better.It must be fun in your world….

  5. whatnot!!!! thusfar!!!! and so forth!!!!! ANd my FAVOURITE law is the hurricane naming, I agree 100% Deathtron is WAY more motivating for evacuation!!!!!!!!!!!! (enough exclamation points yet?)!!!!!!!BTW Happy Thanksgiving weekend from us Canadian Phil Factor fans, eh.

  6. I agree with whatnot, and the word “whatever” should also be banned. It always sounds so rude.Whatever…

  7. Sherbears- Thank you. You may soon be a heartbeat away from the Presidency.McKay- I believe that horseback riding is mean to the horses. I have known two people seriously injured in horseback riding accidents, not to mention Christopher Reeves. I think the horses are trying to tell us they don’t like it.Travelin Pt.- Yes, I’m aware that you don’t have daylight savings. It must be a wonderful place.

  8. Princess- I saved a comment reply box just for you alone. No, I wasn’t going to say that I’m the exception to my rules. Why would I? I agree with all of them. In case of medical emergency the elderly should damn well call an ambulance. Do you want people with fading eyesight and reflexes attempting to drive faster? My world would be perfect if only you would like me even a little (sniff,sniff)

  9. Pol- People like you are why I love Canadians. Enjoy your Thanksgiving, although what Canadians have to be thankful for, I have no idea.Josie- I agree with your idea about whatever and Pols suggestions to ban thusfar and so forth. As soon as I’m elected, consider it done.BTW, I have an awesome word verification: dexus

  10. I love you except what am I supposed to do without my Brit Nrit news!?!?! oh the horror!! 😉

  11. Phil…dear. I rest my case. The email I sent you this morning was just confirmed by this post. :o)

  12. #10. Hysterical.#19. Never heard of that happening, but support its ban wholeheartedly.#24. So with you.My addition: No sports car flags. Actually, no car flags period.

  13. I don’t understand why people still write checks at the market. They are not only holding up other people, they are holding up THEMSELVES.

  14. Hmmmm. I used to think we thought alike. Now, not so much. The funeral thing, I agree with 100%. I will fight you over reality TV shows even though I only watch 3 of them. Your worst ones were celerities making fun of foreign leaders (some of the best SNL moments come from that) and getting rid of daylight savings time I wish they’d keep it year-round). And boxing is not a sport?

  15. As always, thanks for the laugh. Although I have to tell you that #1 could cause some problems down the line. Trust me! I agree with you on #21 whole heartedly.

  16. Rachel- Well if you love me then you’re going to have to chose. It’s me or Britney. You can only have one.Lindsey- I definitely don’t deserve any compliments about this post. It’s just a compilation of what I’ve said in other posts, but thank you.QueenieCarly- Thank you for your agreement. I hope I have your vote.Gary- Usually they are old people who shouldn’t be at the stores at thos hours anyway.

  17. Geewits- Boxing is only a sport if one person knocks the other out. If that doesn’t happen and the result is decided subjectively then the whole match shouldn’t count.dzeni- On the Leap Year thing. If you recall my post about it, I did some research and it wouldn’t be a big deal. It would take about 1500 years before we’d have to readjust the calendars again. By then, not my problem. Thank you for your support oon Raymond. The worst show ever.

  18. <>11. Supreme Court Justices will wear jeans, sneakers, and t-shirts. No more robes. That’s just stupid. The dress code is the reason I’ve never become a Supreme Court Justice.<>but just think – you can wear WHATEVER you want – or down’t want – (especially since you enjoy blogging in the nude) under that robe

  19. Phil, hmm President yes. Sexiest man alive , sorry someone has that title. 🙂

  20. “No putting bible verses on Halloween candy.” —> right on.“No more horseback ridin.” —> I will organize a coup against you. And you know I’d win.-N

  21. Bahahahaha!! You’re brilliant!!I think I just ruptured something. LOL

  22. 4. It should be perfectly legal to fire off a warning shot at any driver who slows his or her vehicle to gawk at an accident. This one’s already legal, isn’t it?

  23. Hehehehe, what a hilarious post! My goodness, i could agree with so many….man there’s some that piss me off!!Of course i agree relaxing the dress code in court is a definate winner, and i so agree with #2, #3, #4, #7, #13….ok i better stop!

  24. i personally disagree with 21 and 26. who doesnt love predictable comedy and two words rolled into one!?!

  25. Thankfully I was never exposed to a mime in school. There’s no telling how that can effect the psyche of a small child *shudder*

  26. I couldn’t possibly be the Vice President, as I’m well aware that there is no E in “potato”I’m also disqualified since I disagree about the supreme Court justices. Not only should they keep their robes, they should be required to wear the powdery wig thingies too.Also, I think Phil Law #1 is really 2 separate laws. I’m just sayin.

  27. <>Phil<>,I think you know the ones I obviously disagree with. As for the others, they are hilarious.Go for broke!Enid

  28. By the way, when was the last time you heard Johnny Cash’s <>“A Boy Named Sue”<>? Come on over for a listen 🙂

  29. I would like to propose an addendum to 21. I think that anyone who admits to watching that show of their own free will, and (gulp) liking and laughing at it, should be removed from the gene pool. Those people have no business procreating.

  30. warning shot….nice.

  31. Well, when I am Vice President or Sexiest Woman Alive …

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