In the immortal words of Billy Blazejowski, “I’m an idea man Chuck.” In my last post I used my now familiar phrase, “When I’m elected President or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first…” A comment by ChooChoo made me realize how often I have uttered those words on this page. In an effort to further my candidacy for both of those positions, I have compiled, to the best of my knowledge, all of the laws that have followed the phrase “When I’m elected President or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first…” I also will throw in a few others that popped up in other contexts on my blog, but which will be implemented when I’m elected. These laws will henceforth be known as The Phil Laws.
1. No more Leap Year extra day. Make all months exactly the same length.
2. No more Daylight Savings Time.
3. The elderly will only be allowed to drive motor vehicles or use supermarkets during certain hours of the day.
4. It should be perfectly legal to fire off a warning shot at any driver who slows his or her vehicle to gawk at an accident.
5. You may not use rhetorical questions in a public setting unless you have been tested and deemed competent to do so. If you use or respond to a rhetorical question improperly any willing observer has the right to punch you in the forehead.
6. The pope should wear a baseball hat backwards instead of that giant dunce cap he always has on.
7. A 1-year ban on Britney Spears “news.”
8. You cannot use a cell phone if you are in your own office building. Walk down the freakin’ hall and pick up your desk phone you moron.
9. It will be perfectly legal to punch a cell schizo in the mouth if they annoy you by walking around gesturing wildly and talking aloud to no one while wearing a cell headset.
10. Pregnant women should not tell their male co-workers how dilated they are.
11. Supreme Court Justices will wear jeans, sneakers, and t-shirts. No more robes. That’s just stupid. The dress code is the reason I’ve never become a Supreme Court Justice.
12. Congress will no longer be able to waste their time and our taxpayer dollars investigating cheating in sports or making laws about what men can and can’t do in an effort to meet women.
13. Hurricane names must be something scary, not just a normal name. Who’s going to flee something like Hurricane Ed? I believe that far less people would have perished if Hurricane Katrina had been mamed Hurricane Deathtron. You flee a storm named Deathtron. No one was scared by Katrina.
14. Anything you can play while sitting at a table or drinking alcohol is not a sport. Also, if the winner is subjectively chosen by a panel of judges, it is not a sport. All the aforementioned activities have no place on television.
15. The only place you can be nude in your local gym locker room is in the shower. The rest of the time, wear a towel.
16. Celebrities from other countries cannot criticize a government other than their own.
17. Funerals should include drinking and entertainment.
18. Schools need to request parental permission before exposing your child to a mime.
19. No putting bible verses on Halloween candy.
20. A ten-year ban on reality shows.
21. All evidence of the television show Everybody Loves Raymond will be obliterated from existence.
22. All public bathroom stalls will be as big as the handicapped stalls.
23. No more horseback riding.
24. No saying “See you next year” on Dec. 31st.
25. No more writing paper checks. Get yourself a debit card and stop holding up the lines at the supermarket.
26. The word ‘whatnot’ shall be struck from the English language.
27. From this day forward everyone will ignore David Blaine.
28. Future Presidential elections will be done American Idol style.
There it is. If you read it all then you definitely qualify as my new best friend and possible future Vice-President.