Cell Phone People: Part VII

For those of you who haven’t followed my rise to fame from the beginning, Cell Phone People is an ongoing series of posts much like The Guy Code of Conduct. As I have pointed out before, almost all of us who have evolved from the primordial ooze and learned to walk upright have learned to use tools. First, prehistoric man learned to use sticks and tree limbs as crude levers to move heavy objects. The discovery of fire and the invention of the wheel followed soon after. The cell phone is a tool of modern man. Some people use it appropriately as a tool while others use their cell phone as if the call button is the control for a morphine drip. It is these people upon whom I wish terrible things.

Last spring one of Saddam Hussein’s henchmen was blown up because the U.S. Army used GPS technology to track his cell phone signals and then aimed a missile at the exact location of his cell phone. I wonder if he was talking on it at the time or if it was in his pocket. Ouch! Then during 2005 there was the Cell Phone Bandit who robbed several banks as she walked up to a teller while talking on her cell phone. All of this backs up my premise that chronic cell phone user=evil.

Here is an excerpt from today of an Associated Press report out of Vellejo, California: “Firefighters arrived at the residential hotel Saturday night to find Picaso lying on the bathroom floor after a malfunctioning cell phone in his pants pocket set fire to his nylon and polyester clothes, Henke said.”

I’m not saying Picaso is evil, but he did have a cell phone on his person. Where’s my cell phone? In the glove compartment of my car. If I need it I’ll open it up and turn it on. Apparently if you carry them on you they just might decide to kill you all on their own. Or perhaps Picaso was hit by a tiny missile from the U.S. Army. There are two important lessons to be learned from this tragic situation: 1) Don’t carry your cell phone constantly, and 2) nylon and polyester clothes are a bad fashion statement in more ways than one.

“Technology is the opiate of the asses”- Phil, circa June 2006

10 responses to “Cell Phone People: Part VII

  1. I think the cell phone simply objected to all the polyester it was obliged to nestle into on a daily basis.

  2. How the hell did a cell phone catch fire?Are you making this up?

  3. You are getting LAZY on the commenting Philly….So im banning all comments until you rectify your decision *i do however recognize the irony of leaving this message in a comment*It sucks…i had a really good one for this post….sigh…oh well. 😉

  4. Remind me to tell Sam this one when I get home tonight. She is always on the damn cell. She sleeps during the day and complains because people call her. <>Turn it off.<>*gasp* I can’t do that! What if it’s important?!<>They’ll leave a voicemail. If it’s really important they’ll come and get you.<>And she complains because I leave my cell at home when I’m at work.

  5. I was distressed when I learned that ‘experts’ had concluded that chronic cellphone use does ‘not’ cause brain cancer. Mine, like yours, sits in the glove compartment. Eventually the battery runs down. I charge it up and put it back in the same place. I actually had call to use it yesterday and couldn’t remember how it worked.Cheers, Ian

  6. Mine lives in my briefcase, that way if it blows all my paperwork blows with it and i get a nice holiday :o)

  7. Oh, the irony. I watched the movie “Cellular” for the first time today. Near the end when the bad guys are looking for the protagonist on the Santa Monica pier, one of the bad guys yells at the other bad guy “You’re looking for a guy on a cell phone stupid!” The guy looks down over the pier and EVERYONE has a cell phone stuck to their head. You would have really hated (or loved) that scene!

  8. I feel very weird saying this, but I don’t own a cell phone or a car. I have no need for either one of them.I have two phones on my desk at work and two at home, and I figure that’s already about three too many.Josie

  9. Hmm… If I ever become a henchman..uhm…henchwoman, I’ll have someone else carry my cellphone for me.

  10. This is funny as hell. Good stuff. I found your blog through < HREF="http://searchingfornormalcy.blogspot.com" REL="nofollow">Balou<> in Miami. I’ll definitely be back to read more.And I agree with you on the cell phones. I’ll have to go back and find your earlier posts on Cell Phone People. Overuse and irresponsible use of the damned things is one of my biggest pet peeves down here in South Florida, ’cause they’re usually being used by bad drivers.

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