Inappropriate Uses For Onstar

We’ve all heard the commercials. “Hello. This is Dave from Onstar. How can I help you?” Caller responds tearfully, “My six month old baby is locked in my car with a rabid pit bull and I can’t find my extra set of keys.”  While Onstar is a wonderful service I’m sure there are people who abuse the service. 

Ring, ring! “Hello. This is Dave from Onstar. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Dude! I can’t believe this. I went out with my friends and man we had, like, I dunno, 20 shots of this incredible blue stuff. Dude, you gotta try this stuff. It’s awesome.  Anyway, the parking lot is like, ginormous, and now I can’t find my car. It’s red. Can you see it from there?”

Onstar Dave: (With biting sarcasm) “No sir. I cannot see your car. 

Caller: C’mon Dave. Dude, you’ve got, like, a satellite right? Why can’t you see my car? Can you at least make the horn honk or the lights flash so I can find it?” 

Onstar Dave:(Smirking) “Oh, sure sir. This may take a few minutes. Just wait, and the next time you hear a car horn, walk towards it. Have a nice night.”


Ring, ring! “Hello. This is Dave from Onstar. How can I help you?”

Female caller: “I’m calling about my boyfriends car.”

Onstar Dave: “What’s wrong ma’am? Has he been in an accident?”

Female caller: “An accident? I wish! That son of a bitch slept with my sister when I was gone for the weekend! Could you use your satellite to, like, blow up his car with a giant laser or something?”


Ring, ring! “Hello. This is Dave from Onstar. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah. You’ve got to help me. This is an emergency.”

Onstar Dave: “Slow down. Talk slowly so I can get all the information I need.”

Caller:  “Ok, I was stuck in traffic on I-90 when I look over at this little, red, Pontiac Sunbird next to me and this chick was totally hot and she smiled at me. Just as I was about to get out of my car and go over to get her phone number, traffic started moving again and I missed her. Her license plate number is 975-AIG. Could you call her up and give her my phone number?”

Onstar Dave: “(Heavy sigh) Ok, hold on a sec. There, that should do it. About a half mile ahead you should find her pulled over on the shoulder with her car inexplicably stalled. Keep me on the line and when you get under the hood just press your star key and I’ll start her back up.”

Caller: “Onstar Dave, you rock!”

Onstar Dave: “Yes I do.”


7 responses to “Inappropriate Uses For Onstar

  1. Regarding your second Onstar example, I can't stand it when people say things like, “She slept with my boyfriend” when what they really mean is, “She had sex with my guy”. If they had sex, say it. Don't couch it in words that might make others feel more comfortable. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go peel my banana.

  2. You're absolutely right. I didn't think of that when I wrote it but when I hear someone say that so and so slept with someone I usually think that very little sleeping went on.

  3. HAHAHA!! I've actually always wondered how many strange things Onstar hears in a given day.

  4. Hello Boobies! Welcome to The Phil Factor!

  5. LMAO those are great! I'll be back. 😀

    Thanks for stopping by my blog!

  6. Ha! Never a dull moment on the Phil Factor.

  7. look at you – youve been making blog friends – be sure to tell them you like to disappear for a year at a time.

Leave a Reply