I wanted to come up with ten reasons, but Oprah has already wasted too much of the internets’ bandwidth so I cut it down to just seven. They say it’s bad to speak ill of the dead. Oprah’s show is gone but she’s not dead yet, so let’s have at her like she’s a candy filled pinata. Actually, chances are she probably is candy filled. If you love to hate, read on…
1. Her head is so large that it effects the tides. I’m also pretty sure it caused the weather pattern that has spawned all the recent tornado’s.
2. She brought two guys on her show who are raising money to prevent Ugandan children from being abducted and forced to be soldiers (www.invisiblechildren.com). What a wonderful gesture right? Allowing these guys a platform to raise awareness of this issue is certainly admirable right? Last season she took her entire studio audience to Australia. Let’s see…if you’re a suburban housewife from Sheboygan, Wisconsin whose biggest worry is whether or not the Walmart flyer is missing from your Sunday paper, you get an all expenses paid, three week trip to Australia. If you’re a homeless, Ugandan child forced into wartime slavery you get a 10 minute segment and a plug for the website. Nice. I just plugged the website above and when I saw the Invisible Children guys at a concert I gave them $2.20. Oprah can personally afford to build homes, hospitals and schools for all the children in Uganda. But did she? Where’s their trip to Australia Oprah?
3. Gail and Stedman. There it is. Still there. In my head. I didn’t even have to look those names up. I never asked to have that information in my head. It’s taking up valuable space. Space that, were it functioning and not wasted on Gail and Stedman, might have helped me to win a Pulizter Prize by now. Where’s my Pulizter Prize Oprah?
4. It’s always about Oprah. As of Dec. 2009 the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation was worth 33.5 billion dollars. Money that was used globally to enhance healthcare, reduce poverty, and expand educational access for the underprivileged. The Foundation currently donates approximately 17% of the world budget for the attempted eradication of polio. Did any of us know that? No, of course not. Bill Gates just goes about his business helping people because it’s the right thing to do. If Oprah gives away a new Yugo we get a week of ads before the hour long show about it. Oprah is all about Oprah. She does good but wants to be sure you know she did good.
5. Harpo. My name spelled backwards is Lihp. Who cares? Guess what Oprah, we can all spell our names backwards. Maybe I’ll put mine on my license plate. How would you like that Oprah? Or would you rather have a show where you give me a license plate with my name spelled backwards so we can all clap for you?
6. Oprah is not following me on Twitter @ThePhilFactor
7. She’s not really gone. Her current show may be done, but do any of us really believe that she’ll fade quietly into retirement? No, there will be more shows, movies about her life, and appearances on The View (of course anything that takes airtime away from Joy Behar can’t be half bad right?). No, there was no reason for that two day good bye to Oprah that was filmed at the United Center in Chicago. Like the results of Arnold Schwarzeneggers past affairs, she’ll be back. And Oprah, me and my blog will be your Sarah Connor, so you best tread lightly…
If you have reasons to hate Oprah that you’d like to add, feel free to add them in the comments section, or if you just want to spell your name backwards, have at it.