Angry at the Angry Birds? There’s an App for That!

Hi, my name is Phil and I’m an app addict. I admit, I’m powerless over apps. It used to be appetizers that I couldn’t resist, but now it’s smartphone apps. Well, honestly I’m no better with the appetizers, pizza rolls specifically,  but now I have two app addictions. It started a year ago when I got my first smartphone. And yes, it started with those damn Angry Birds. 

Is anyone else out there an app addict with me? I can’t be the only one. In fact, I like apps so much that I’m hoping to land a part-time job at the app store. But you know what? If there’s a 12 step group for app addiction I do not want to go. I’ve now moved on to my second smartphone so I could have enough memory to store more wonderful apps. I realized I had an app addiction problem when I was doing some reading on a website and was thinking of signing up to use that websites services until I checked to see if they had an app I could get on my phone. They didn’t and I thought to myself, “I don’t want to do business with any business that doesn’t have an app.” I’m addicted to having the ability to know what I want to know immediately no matter where I am. And what the hell is wrong with that?

For Christmas I was given an App A Day calendar. Here are a few selections from the calendar:

Food Chime: Food chime is a timer app that reminds a smartphone user to eat at specific intervals. I suppose that this is useful so that if you get to caught up in solving Angry Birds or Stupid Zombies it will prevent you from starving to death. Except, it has a snooze function. If you’re too stupid to remember to eat, then a smartphone probably has more memory than you. 

Baby Sleep: An app for parents who want to put their baby to sleep to the sound of gentle music. Perfect, we can start creating new app addicts right out of the womb. You’ll have kids crying for their Blackberry instead of their pacifier. This must have been created after someone saw that e-trade baby commercial. If I find any parents using this app I’m calling Child Protective Services. 

Drunk Blocker: If you add names from your contact list to the app and activate the app before you go out it will prevent you from dialing those people. This is only useful if you’re so drunk you forget how to deactivate the app. I’m going to check my wife’s phone to see if I made her list. I sure hope so. 

Use By Date: This app could also be called  Food Poisoning Roulette. The app allegedly helps you determine if a food is still edible even after the use by date. If you install and use this app I’d like to have to committed to a hospital because if you think this is a good use of your time then you are likely a danger to yourself or others in a myriad of ways. 

Declaration: Your digital copy of the Declaration of Independence. Great! This will come in handy if Britain decides to try to levy a tax on my tea. Not since 7th grade Social Studies have I needed to reference the Declaration. Anyone else? I suppose it will come in handy when I start my own country. I can just plagiarize the whole thing and just insert the name of my new country.

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