First of all, you’re all doing it wrong. What you ask? You’re playing the gigantic Mega Millions lottery all wrong. I’ll tell you my secret. Not because I want you to win, but because I want you all pouring more money into the pot for me to win. Shhhhhh! (furtive glance to both sides) What I’m doing is I’m not just playing quick picks or sets of numbers. I’m playing quick picks and sets of number with the “Mega-plier.” The Mega plier is not a world record sized pair of pliers, which would still be really cool in and of itself, nor is it a kind of math. At least I don’t think it’s a kind of math. That wasn’t my best subject. Apparently when you play your numbers with the Mega-plier, which makes each set of numbers cost $2, if your numbers come up you win four times the jackpot amount. (Holy crap! Imagine if in elementary school we had to learn our times tables with that kind of math) That’s right, when I win the current jackpot, which is over $500 million, I will actually win over 2 billion dollars! (Well, probably only 1.4 billion after taxes) So the rest of this column will be dedicated to how I will spend my 2 billion dollars. I figure it’s only fair to warn everyone since the combination of unimaginable wealth and my eccentric behavior is likely to result in some actions or events that will effect a significant percentage of the Earth’s population in some way. Sure, sure, with this money we’d all help family, friends, and charitable organizations, and I will too, but with 2 billion dollars I figure I’ll have enough left over to get really creative with how I spend it.
1. Once I am worth 2 billion dollars I will immediately relax, which I haven’t done in years. I will quite possibly relax to the point that someone will call a medical examiner. The best part of that is that it’s free and after I’m done relaxing I’ll still have 2 billion dollars, which will make me feel very happy.
2. Watch the sun set. Watching the sun set over Lake Ontario is my favorite part of every summer weekend. Watching the sun set sounds free, but not the way I’m going to do it. I will buy a plane and hire a pilot to fly around the world at the same speed as the Earth rotates so that I can watch the sun set for 24 hours straight. There would probably be champagne involved. The plane and pilot will remain on call so that I can see a nice sunset anytime I choose.
3. Daylight savings time. It’s stupid, outdated, inconvenient and it’s time for it to end. With 2 billion dollars I’m pretty sure there’s a way I could “persuade” enough legislators to take care of this.
4. Automated asteroid detecting lasers on the moon. Need I say more?
5. Thanksgiving. We’ve all been doing it wrong for centuries now. Do you think that the pilgrims wanted to eat the dead carcass of the largest, ugliest bird in North America? Of course they didn’t. Remember when telephones were attached to the wall and we could only go as far as the cord allowed? Well once we found a way around that we moved on to cell phones. Guess what? We now have better food than dead turkeys so it’s time to move on. When I have 2 billion dollars we will start eating pizza on Thanksgiving. Now that’s a food worthy of a national holiday.
6. A seat on the Supreme Court. Did you know that technically there’s nothing that says you have to be a lawyer or judge to be on the Supreme Court? Powdered wigs and black robes? Seriously how swag would that be? Yeah, I know the modern day judges don’t wear the powdered wigs, but I would.
7. Subscribing to my blog on the Amazon Kindle costs 99 cents per month. I would buy a subscription to my blog for every single Kindle owner on the planet.
How about in the comments section here everyone write one crazy thing they would do in the unlikely event that someone other than me wins the Mega Millions tonight? Then after you do that, click on the Facebook share button and we’ll get a good long discussion link by shared link amongst all our friends on what we’ll do with our winnings.