People Magazine recently named their Sexiest Man Alive, and again, it wasn’t me. Yeah, I know, shocker. Channing Tatum?!!? Puh- leeze! I scrape stuff off my shoe that’s sexier than Channing Tatum. Have you noticed they always choose actors? Not once have they considered a blogger. First of all, I wasn’t even interviewed. How fair is that?
Go on, compare his picture, which you have to Google to even find, while I put mine right here for all to see, with mine in the top left of the page. His picture, my picture. His picture, my picture. His picture, my picture. I’ve been doing that all night and I still don’t see it. Sexier than me? Who is doing the rating? Ray Charles? Stevie Wonder? (Why aren’t there famous blind women?) I’m mean, c’mon, as far as I know he is completely “between jobs” right now. Meanwhile I have a full time job with health insurance and everything!
And his abs in Magic Mike? Completely airbrushed. My abs? Never been airbrushed. Not once. They are au naturel my friends. Both of them. And those dance moves. Yeah, Channing, we saw Napoleon Dynamite too. Way to go. Pedro for President.
And how about Facebook, the social convention by which all human value is measured. Does Channing let you be his Facebook friend? No, of course not. He is snooty. Snooty? Snotty! I of course will quote Ferris Bueller and let you be my Facebook friend. Check. Scoreboard, Phil again. And talk about snotty! He goes by his full name, Channing. He’s too good for Chan isn’t he? Do see me going by Philip? Of course not. The Philip Factor would sound stupid and snotty.
Raise your hand if you’ve read Chan Tatums’s blog? Of course you haven’t! He doesn’t have a blog. I do. I have a blog, a full-time job, and health insurance. Chan? No, no, and no. Ask yourself this, who have you spent more time reading about this year, him or me? We all know the answer to that. You’ve been to my blog at least once a week. How many times a week do you go out of your way to read what Chan thinks? Oh wait, that’s right, we’re not even sure Chan has thoughts. Also, you see my picture everytime you visit this blog. Because of that you’ve definitely looked at my picture more than you’ve looked at Chan Tatum’s this year too. Do you know why? That’s right, because I’m sexier. Case closed. In fact my argument here is so watertight that I doubt Channing (read with sarcastic tone) will even attempt to refute it. In fact Chan, if you disagree, feel free to post a comment here stating your case.
If you enjoy my nonsense and want to support my bid for Sexiest Blogger Alive you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle, follow me on Twitter @ThePhilFactor and my humorous, murder mystery novel White Picket Prisons is available for the Kindle, Nook, and iPad. If you liked what you read today feel free to leave a comment below and hit the Facebook “Share” button when you go back to your page. Also, if you’re not my Facebook friend yet, feel free to friend me. I doubt that’s an offer you’ll get from Chan.