The Pope is retiring! You know what that means right? There’s a job opening. I’d better brush up my resume and see how many Cardinals I know on LinkedIn. It won’t be easy, but I think that I can at least score an interview. I interview well, but just because I’m not a glad handing Cardinal in the Catholic church I may not even get a whiff of consideration for the job. That is totally not fair. If I am ever elected Pope the first thing I’m going to do is revise that hat. It’s got to be a total pain in the ass to get through doorways wearing a 3 foot hat that’s shaped like a post hole digger. And how in the world does that guy sleep at night wearing that thing? His bed must be 9 feet long! Yes, he does wear it to sleep in. How else do you explain the fact that every time you see him he’s in a big, white bathrobe. He didn’t really mean to have a Christmas Midnight Mass for a million people. He was just rolling out of the rack and heading out to his balcony to have a smoke. Once he got out there and saw the million people and tv cameras he just ran with it. You gotta respect that. I think a nice papal baseball cap worn backwards would be cool. It could have a big “V” on the front for Vatican. When I’m Pope I’ll also have one of those big foam No. 1 fingers for waving from the balcony to the millions of people who wait outside all the time. You know there is no way that the guy standing 800 rows back from the Vatican can see that little Miss America wave that the Pope does. One reason I want to become Pope is because of the Popemobile. Fourth coolest vehicle in existence behind the Batmobile, the Mystery Machine, and the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile. If I’m elected Pope I guarantee that ride becomes Numero Uno. I’ll add some bitchin’ flame decals on the side to signify how I’m totally defeating Satan with my badass ride. Then I’d add some 20″ mag rims, make that bad boy a low rider with a hydraulic kit, wire in a killer sound system and doors that open like a DeLorean. Tell me that sled wouldn’t have worshipers! I’ve got a goatee. If I were Pope I’d keep that. A Pope with a goatee would be cool. Especially if it was me. I know I usually only post on weekends, but I was so excited about this Pope thing I had to put this right up. Don’t worry, if I’m elected Pope I’ll still keep blogging. A Pope with a goatee and a blog. How cool would that be? Also as Pope-to-be I decree that the 11th commandment shall be that if you laughed even a little at this please hit the Facebook like or share button.
Self-proclaimed grand poobah of leisure and author of humorous suspense novels The Sneaker Tree & White Picket Prisons, the humor essay book Fifty Shades of Phil and the long running blog The Phil Factor. thephilfactor.com
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