Dear Women, We Are Not Them

Dear Women,

I’m writing this letter to all of you on behalf of the large majority of men in the world. Is it arrogant to presume that I should speak for so many? Of course it is. I’m a man, would you expect anything less? Normally when I do something like this I run it by the other guys at the Man Meeting, but the meeting isn’t until next week and I didn’t want to wait another minute to say this.

Regardless of my unjustified hubris, I will attempt to say something meaningful to you during a terrible and wonderful time in our history. Over the past several years and in particular the last several months, we’ve learned that several men in positions of power or fame have used their status to commit crimes of sexual aggression against many.

What I am saying to you on behalf of 99% of the men on this planet is this: We are not them. 

Us, all the other men, are as horrified by the behavior of these men as you are. We applaud the courage of the women and men who have come forward to put an end to the heinous behavior of these despicable predators. As I said, it is a terrible and wonderful time. It is terrible to learn that there are still men who behave as these hateful criminals have. It is also wonderful that so many women and men are shining a light on the dirty little corners in which these vermin have hidden for so long. We are not them.

As a man, I am embarrassed and mortified that there are some of my gender who believe there is nothing wrong with that sort of behavior. As a man, I am also concerned that women will generalize their fears and feelings about these reprehensible human beings to others of the same gender. We are not them. 

Today, November 11th, Veteran’s Day is a day set aside to honor United States veterans and victims of war. Over the course of history, most military veterans are of the male persuasion. Women of Earth, in spite of the recent revealing of the hateful crimes of a few, please think of the millions of men of the armed forces, of law enforcement,  of firefighters and other emergency services, and of medical providers who have sacrificed so much to protect so many.  As men, that is how we want you to think of us. Not that you need us to protect you, but because we want to.  #WeAreNotThem

Sincerely, Men

Sorry to deviate from my usual humorous Saturday post. I find it just sickening every time I hear another one of these stories in the news. Hopefully this piece conveys the beliefs of most men and reassures women that we’re all not evil scum.

Have a great Saturday and thank you to any and all veterans out there, including my brother and father, who may read this. ~Phil

42 responses to “Dear Women, We Are Not Them

  1. Well said, Phil. I’ve watched the recent events with growing anxiety for my daughter, but then I look at my dad, brother, sons, and male friends who are wonderful, caring, and supportive and think ‘they are not all like that’. I’ve also witnessed women at their worst too and don’t think we can dump everything at your feet (not literally at ‘your’ feet!)

  2. Excellent post Phil. Well said!! I’ve heard lots of guys express similar feelings.

  3. Yes Phil, sometimes like you I am embarrassed and mortified that I am the same gender as these guys, especially as more revelations are coming out. Oh I clicked and voted by the way!

  4. Well said, Phil. My husband is one of the 99% who is horrified by the actions of a few – and how men are too often depicted in the media. Have a great day!

  5. Thank you for putting this out there, Phil – I have just watched the 2 minute silence for Armistice Day at the Lord Mayor’s Show here in the UK, and as I am every year was particularly moved by the sight of the Chelsea Pensioners. There are few left who served in WW11, but those who did are in the majority dignified gentlemen who would be horrified to be tarred with this brush. The 3 men in my house (hubby & 2 young adult sons) feel the same way. It is so important that we don’t turn a blind eye and become enablers of this behaviour – and I thank God for my daughter (15) and sons that it is becoming acceptable to call this behaviour out. But as you say, we must keep a perspective, not trivialise some of the serious sexual assaults with over the top cries about the trivial (don’t shout at me folks), and understand how many men feel sickened by this behaviour…and are not them! I will schedule this to share, C x

  6. Forgot to say – voted!!

  7. Poignant post Phil. It is indeed important to not generalise.
    Heinous they may be, but those men are not All men .

  8. No, men are not the problem … just bad men. Unfortunately theives don’t carry swag bags, rapists don’t have it emblazoned on their shirts, husband beaters and abusers never have it written on their CV. Stalkers dont wear beige macintoshes and good guys don’t have halo’s or wings. Most women know that and we know most men do to.
    This is a good strong point you make, a post worth reading. Today, in the UK it is Rememberance day with popies to mark blood spilt in wars and conflict and lives saved. Here with stories of the brave and the dead we remember. The maimed and the orphaned the widows and widowers. We sell poppies to raise monies to help and poppies to mark and show respect. Chosing to behave abomnibaly if man or woman is wrong, should never be tollerated, as the innocent should never be blamed. I vote, because I have faith that there are more good men than bad. #SocialSaturday

  9. Nicely done Phil. I’m glad you didn’t wait for the Man Meeting! 🙂

  10. As a woman I thank you. As the daughter of a Canadian Veteran, Nov 11 is celebrated by people all over the world for all Veterans. (Yes I voted, every day)

  11. thank you. You are right it can’t just be women speaking out about issues against women it has to be EVERYONE. well said.

  12. Great post, Phil. Thank you for sharing. It feels like this is everywhere at the moment, but I know plenty of men in my life who are decent and caring. Thanks for the reminder 🙂

  13. It is difficult sometimes not to lump the good with the bad, but thank you for reminding me that the good men really do outnumber the losers I’d like to hurtle into outer space.

  14. I definitely don’t think all men are predators. But, I do think that unless these bad guys are super prolific in their badness, there are more dudes misbehaving than the “good guys” realize. At least, that’s been my experience with the male friends I have in my life. All are shocked at the number of women who have been impacted by men in various positions of power (whether it’s at work, at home, or on the street) treating women as sexual objects placed on this earth for their personal enjoyment.
    I am so, so grateful that men like you do care and do stand up: People who honor their commitments and treat others with respect regardless of gender. I’d sure like to believe that’s 99% of men. If so, that 1% is a very active, very vicious bunch.
    In the end though, I agree with you wholeheartedly, this is a wonderful time when awareness coupled with the will to change seems to be moving towards eliminating the bad behavior and encouraging and lauding the good.

  15. Good for you for calling out this crappy behaviour Phil.

    Sigh. I’m afraid I am with Angela on this. I’ve chatted to lots of my friends about this kind of thing and I don’t know many women in her 20s-30s that haven’t been assaulted, as in touched without consent (for many of us, it is much worse…) I had to leave a well paid job when my boss behaved really terribly. I still feel sick thinking about it.

    I don’t think the majority of blokes are bad. But I DO think it is great that so many men are starting to realise how much we have to put up with. I hope it’ll mean things will slowly change and that my niece and her friends won’t have to put up with the same things when they grow up.

  16. Hear hear. It is so easy to forget the majority in all these situations are not the bad ones
    We just hear so much about the bad ones.

  17. Good job, Phil. I would hope that most of those who read about the sick dweebs of the world don’t even think of us. By the way, I think it stinks that I can’t stuff the voting box. Here is the message when I tried. “You can vote again in 02 Day, 21H 52M 41S.”

  18. Well said Phil. Very troubling times and you never know what your going to hear next when you turn the news on. One of my favourite posts of yours. Loved it

  19. Phil, that is great. I too had that fear and as soon as these things started coming out, I could see that they would start thinking all men are like that. I have had some great men in my life, so I know that most men are not like this.

  20. Very clever post Phil and well said. Why is it always the bad we hear more about instead of the good????

  21. Preach on brother Phil. I used to carry my Man Card proudly and display it whether I got weepy during Disney movies or whined after stubbing my toe to prove that I still had the “good stuff.” But lately, my Man Card has migrated to the nether regions of my wallet. Right behind my Blockbuster card.

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