Tag Archives: The Phil Factor

Guest Blogger: John Howell

Today’s guest blogger is the hilarious John Howell of John’s Fiction Favorites.

Thank you, Phil. It is a real pleasure to be a guest on your blog. I consider you one of the funniest bloggers and have looked forward to this visit. If I may, I would like to paint a fictional picture for your readers. Since you have opened your blog to other writers, I have created an imaginary situation where you set auditions for those who want to appear. (Don’t worry everyone, this is just pretending, and Phil has no plans to start an audition process.)

So here is the scene. Phil sits behind a desk in the audience on a platform built for the occasion. He has his sycophants on either side. On his right hand is the executive producer with a script person on his left. One small desk lamp illuminates his space. He has pencils and paper and a large Yeti cup filled with coffee. Phil has a microphone so those on stage can hear every word. The stage glows from a huge spotlight that burns from the back of the auditorium. The prospective blog guest takes the stage and can’t help blinking from the light.

Phil starts. “Mr. Howell please come down to center stage.”

John moves into the white-hot light, raises his hand to his eyebrow to cut down the glare. “Hello, Phil. You can call me John.”

“Thank you, John. What can we do for you today?”

“Well, I’m here to audition for a guest spot on your blog.”

“Sounds good, John. Have you brought any Gifs, videos, or photos?”

“I only have a photo of myself and my books.”

“Books? You going to hump books on my blog?”

“Well, I thought I would mention them.”

“Look, John. I have a lot of book humping on my blog including my own. I was hoping you would have something different.”

“Well, I can sing a little.”

“Okay let’s hear that then.”

“I also do a soft shoe.”

“Soft shoe. What’s that?”

“It’s a little dance without tap shoes.”

“Okay, I get it. Go ahead.”

“Ahem.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing sir. I was just clearing my throat.”

“Do you need some water?”

“No thank you. Normally I have an accompanist, but I wasn’t prepared to sing.”

“Well, we have no time for an accompanist. Can you do it anyway?”

“Okay here goes.”

“What are you doing?”

“Big opening with the soft shoe.”

“Sheesh. Go ahead. Wait what’s that?”

“A pitch pipe. I don’t want to be off pitch.”

“You ready now?”

“Yes Here’s my song.

Passengers will please refrain

from flushing toilets

while the train

is standing in the station. I love you.”

“Okay, thank you.”

“Wait, there is another verse.”

“Please leave your number with the assistant back stage.”

“But the second verse is killer.”

“Don’t call us. We’ll call you.”

“Can I leave these photos with the assistant too?”

“Sure. Leave the bio, the photos, the contact information but please clear the stage.”

“Thank you, Phil. I’m such a fan just being here is a thrill.”

“Okay, thank you. Can we have Mr. King down to center stage.”

John’s Bio: John began his writing as a full-time occupation after an extensive business career. His specialty is thriller fiction novels, but John also writes poetry and short stories.  His first book, My GRL, introduces the exciting adventures of the book’s central character, John J. Cannon. The second Cannon novel, His Revenge, continues the adventure, while the final book in the trilogy, Our Justice, launched in September 2016.  All books are available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle editions. John lives in Port Aransas, Texas with his wife and their spoiled rescue pets.

Contact information

Blog: Fiction Favorites, http://johnwhowell.com/

Facebook – https://www.facebook.com/john.howell.98229241

Twitter –https://www.twitter.com/HowellWave

Authors db –http://www.authorsdb.com/authors-directory/6604-john-w-howell

LinkedIn –http://www.linkedin.com/pub/john-w-howell/48/b59/462/

Google +https://plus.google.com/+JohnHowellAuthor/

Goodreads –https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/7751796.John_W_Howell

Amazon Author’s page –https://www.amazon.com/author/johnwhowell

Thank you to John for his awesome guest blog post. If you’re not already following him on all the social media platforms above, well, what’s stopping you?

Have a great Friday! ~Phil

 

TBT! Could Healthy, Organic Foods Be Killing You? Probably.

(Sept. 6, 2014) The answer is of course! If you hit anyone hard enough with a cantaloupe it would probably kill them. The question is are health foods killing you slowly and insidiously the way health food advocates claim that all those so called “unhealthy” foods are?

squashsquares

See that picture? Notice the smiling cartoon children? Of course they’re cartoon children! You can’t get real children to smile about squash for breakfast! I’m calling Child Protective Services on anyone who buys this for their kids.

A clinical study that I would do if I had the time would show that healthy, organic foods are killing us little by little, emotionally and maybe physically. In an article I found online anthropologist Rachel Caspari said that by examining Neanderthal dental records, her team established that 130,000 years ago, ‘no-one survived past 30. At least I think that’s what she was saying. I didn’t want to read further in case she presented some alleged facts that wouldn’t support my point.

And what is my point? My point is that 130,000 years ago nobody was frying stuff, nobody was adding antibiotics to anything and nobody was giving cows steroids, and guess what? They didn’t live past 30. So back when all we ate was organic foods nobody lived very long. Then when we started adding additives, preservatives and trans fats around 1900 or so the average human lifespan in many developed countries has extended to 80 or better.

See that picture? “Chickenless” nuggets? Just knowing they exist made my soul die a little bit. Take a moment to imagine a life where you wake up, grab a cup of Fair Trade, Organically Grown Coffee, pour yourself a bowl of Banana Squash Squares for breakfast and then, after a long, hard day of work, you come home to a dinner of “Chickenless” nuggets made from textured wheat protein. Maybe later with a glass of organic wine you’ll munch on some flax seeds. Did any of you feel happy when you imagined that scenario? No! Of course not. Health food is bad for your soul. Now picture swinging by Starbucks in the morning to grab a brownie and a tall Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino. Then for lunch you grab a juicy burger and fries. When you return home maybe you eat a little healthy by having some nice salmon, but when you settle down later you top the day off with a couple chocolate chip cookies. How did you feel when you thought about that day? Much better right? So called “bad” food is good for your soul.

Also, if nuggets were to forever be chicken-less, would the chicken population explode and civilized areas would be overrun by chickens running around without having their heads cut off? That’s the apocalypse scenario I’m worried about. Zombie chickens!

Picture credit: play.google.com

Picture credit: play.google.com

So, in summary, if you eat too much “healthy” food you won’t live as long or feel as happy, and you would cause us to be overrun by chickens. Is that what you want?

So what are your favorite indulgent foods that make you feel better at the end of a rough day? What are the worst healthy foods you’ve ever seen or eaten? As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor feel free to share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Wordless Wednesday! Shark Week

For Shark Week I thought I’d share this pic I took about a month ago at the Toronto aquarium. Don’t forget, Sharknado 5 (click the link for a preview trailer) premiers in just 11 days on the SyFy network! Have a great Wednesday! ~ Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! The Ten Worst Fortune Cookie Messages

oddee.com

The other day I got a really lame fortune cookie fortune. It was something like “Don’t stick your arm in a wood chipper or you’ll be up in arms.” It got me thinking that not all fortunes are fortunate. Here are the ten worst fortune cookie fortunes:

10. That time that you thought no one saw you, someone did.

9. You should probably get that rash checked out. It’s worse than it seems.

8. Calm down. That girl in accounting flirts with everybody.

7. If you’re looking for wisdom in a fortune cookie you’re a moron.

6. You should probably brush up your resume’.

5. Your blog isn’t as funny as you think.

cookie-32

4. Avoid nude beaches. Please. 

3. Don’t eat any Chinese food today. It will make you very ill. No, seriously, stay near a bathroom.

2. A bird in the hand will probably crap in your palm.

1. Don’t worry about the expiration date on your milk. Don’t ask how I know. I just do.

So what’s the best fortune you’ve ever gotten? Did you ever have any come true? Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

The Nipple Ring Open

The title got your attention didn’t it? Yesterday The Golden Boys and I played the 27th annual Nipple Ring Open.   The 1990 Nipple Ring Open was the first of the official Golden Boy weekend functions. We were all out of college and Chuck had gone off to the Navy. He was back for a week after boot camp and of course could think of nothing better to do than to spend time with The Golden Boys. As I said in Chuck’s write up, The Golden Boys were, I believe, more responsible for raising him to be the man he became than his own family was.

Apparently we did a very poor job of instilling our values in him. He runs off to join the Navy and comes home with…a nipple ring. As his mentors and role models you can imagine how disappointed in him we were. Of course you can also imagine how much abuse we heaped upon him, including a fair bit of painful tugging on his ring. The Nipple Ring Open was an informal golf tournament we played amongst ourselves and videotaped a large part of our idiocy.

 

I’m not sure if Chuck still has the nipple ring, but I wouldn’t bet against it. About 10 years later we had the 10th Anniversary Nipple Ring Open and we all wore matching shirts that we had specially made and which said, “The Golden Boys: Nipple Ring Open 2000.” We only realized later, as we all sat in McDonald’s in our matching Nipple Ring shirts, how gay we must have looked. The sun was hot, the beer was cold, and the golf was bad.

This year we played our 27th Nipple Ring Open, and apropos to the title, we all went shirtless, but no one had a nipple ring.

Have a great Sunday! ~Phil

One Golden Boy Short


I’m sure all of you are wondering what we do when one of our Golden Boys is missing from one of our functions. That’s easy. We replace him. There are two ways we replace a Golden Boy. One is with our back-up Golden Boy, Ozzy. (No, not the singer, but another of our friends with a nickname.

The other way we replace a Golden Boy is with a cardboard cut-out. Gooby is very technically inclined and using pictures of me from 8th grade and one from high school graduation he created two life size card board cut-outs of my head and shoulders. By all reports my card board cut-outs have had a lot more fun than I have on some Golden Boy weekends.

One year, I was unable to travel to Connecticut for Chuck’s wedding, but if you watch Chuck’s wedding video there I am, from the shoulders up, dancing with bridesmaids, sitting at the head table and hanging out at the bar. The pics in this post are actually freeze frame images taken from Chuck’s wedding video. Needless to say that Mrs. Chuck was none too pleased with the prominence of my cardboard likeness at the reception.

Last year Gooby was unable to make it to our Golden Boys trip to Florida, but his head made it and accompanied us everywhere getting his picture taken with women all over south Florida.

Have a great Sunday! ~Phil

The Golden Boys Playlist

My life has a soundtrack. Although I have nearly zero musical ability, I am an avid music listener and concert goer. In my head, many of my happiest memories in life are attached  to the songs that were playing when the memory occurred. It’s never been a conscious effort on my part to pair memories with music,  it just happens. It’s a wonderful time machine. I hear a song on the radio and suddenly my imagination takes me  somewhere years ago with my friends. On my own, I’m all about modern alternative rock, but when I’m with The Golden Boys we hop in the Way Back Machine and fire up the songs from our youth. My life-long friends and I are together this weekend and when we’re together music is always on in the background. Here is The Golden Boys playlist:

Crazy Train: Ozzy Osbourne

Back in Black: AC/DC

Fantasy: Aldo Nova

Your Love: The Outfield

Just Between You and Me: April Wine

Fight For Your Right To Party: The Beastie Boys

The Safety Dance: Men Without Hats

Don’t Fear The Reaper: Blue Oyster Cult

The Stroke: Billy Squier

Sunglasses At Night: Corey Hart

One Thing Leads To Another: The Fixx

I Want You To Want Me: Cheap Trick

Come On Eileen: Dexy’s Midnight Runners

Jukebox Hero: Foreigner

Simple Man: Lynyrd Skynrd

If you have a cell phone and go out to bars occasionally you should get the TouchTunes app. For a very small fee the app lets you choose the music for the jukebox in whatever bar that has it. Whenever The Golden Boys go out, we are happy to pay to have our music played all night long. If you enjoyed this post, you might also enjoy my novel White Picket Prisons, available on Amazon in paperback or e-book. So what songs are on the playlist of your life?

Have a great Sunday! ~Phil