Tag Archives: The Phil Factor

Throwback Thursday! I Could Bite Your Face

(4/23/2011) To paraphrase Eleanor Rigby by The Beatles, all the stupid people, where do they all come from? I found myself helpless witness and finally participant to two incredibly idiotic conversations this week. At one time I was in the waiting room of a medical office and seated near me was a couple that would make the folks on CMT’s “Redneck Wedding” look like the height of haute couture. This couple had more digits than teeth and their attire would make an Amish grandfather look trendy. So the woman, who was reading a magazine, People or Us or some similar intellectually stimulating tripe, says, “Look, a composer, that would be a good job!” I’m thinking, “Yeah honey, you check the want ads for that one. I’m sure there’s a big market for a gal with your resume.”

Later in the week I’m in another office, one that has both a psychiatrist and an internal medicine doc. Two roughly 18 year old girls come in, check in, and sit down near me. One starts reading a People Magazine and soon thereafter points out to the other member of her Mensa club an article about a female jogger who survived a bear attack. First they debated at length whether or not there are any mountains in New York state because if there were they would avoid said mountains to avoid being attacked by bears.

Then the debate raged on regarding whether or not you could escape certain death by playing dead when attacked by a brown bear or a black bear. Of course the inevitable discourse of what type of bear is native to New York ensued. I believe they concluded that brown bears fall for this ruse but black bears do not. Girl number 1 informed girl number 2 that the jogger survived the attack by poking the bear in the eyes while it was biting her face. Girl number 2, whom I’m fairly certain did not work for NASA, then speculated that a baby bear might not be able to harm her because its jaw might not be large enough that the bear would be able to open it’s mouth sufficiently wide enough to bite her face. To this Girl number 1 replied, “I could bite your face.” At this point I burst out laughing and added, “And don’t you forget it. You don’t want to make her mad.” The girls then stopped talking for the remainder of their time in the waiting room.

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

Your Vote Could Save Snuggles Life

Through a set of circumstances too complicated to explain, if you don’t vote for me for Funniest Blogger, Snuggles the fabric softener bear will die. Please help me to save Snuggles. The Voting for the Annual Bloggers Bash Awards is still going on and me and Snuggles really need your vote! Go HERE to vote.

Tide Pods and Condom Snorting: Generation Z is for Zombie

I’m not sure if you are aware of this, but a whole other generation has slipped into existence right under our noses and oddly, this post will end with their noses. Us grown adults are aware of the Millennials, the generation of people born from 1981 to 1997. And they are aware of themselves as well. A lot of old folks, meaning us Gen X’ers, decry the alleged shallow, self-centeredness of the Millennial generation. Notice I said alleged. That’s the stereotype. I’m not one to paint everyone with a broad brush, but there is another group, another generation that just might be trouble. Generation Z. I think the Z is for Zombie.

Generation Z is the generation of “people” born from the early to mid-90’s until the 2000’s. At the risk of sounding like the “hey you kids, get off of my lawn!” guy, I believe Generation Z might be our worst generation ever. Let’s take a look at their brief history, shall we?

This is the generation that ten years ago “invented” the oh so hilarious planking prank, where they would just lie in odd places as if they were a plank. Wow, I can just see the artistic genius in this generation, can’t you? One of these has got to be the next DaVinci don’t you think?

When they bored with planking and fidget spinners they came up with the brilliant idea to eat laundry detergent and put pictures of it on Snapchat to amuse their friends. I can imagine this conversation went on in many homes:

Son: Mom! Where are the dish detergent pods?

Mom: (silently overjoyed her son is helping around the house) They’re beneath the sink honey! (Later that day she wonders why the sink is still full of dishes but her son’s breath smells like Lavender Breeze)

Now Generation Z, yes, all of them, are snorting condoms. I may be a little old school, but I think they’re using them wrong. Didn’t their Health class teacher do that demonstration with the condom and the cucumber? It doesn’t even look fun. Are they aware of the other ways to use these things? Back in my day, all we snorted was drugs. Have these kids even tried drugs? Or sex? Cancel that last thought. I definitely don’t want to see this group of rocket scientists reproducing, which, if they used the condoms right…

I’d say this generation is a riddle wrapped in an enigma, but that would be insulting to enigmas. Generation Z is like morons wrapped in other morons.

So, on to other things…the voting for the Annual Bloggers Bash Awards is still going on and if you enjoyed this little rant I’d really appreciate your vote for me in the Funniest Blogger category. You don’t even have to be a blogger to vote. Just go HERE!

Also, on Monday, many music loving bloggers are participating in  #MusicMonday by publishing their lists of all the concerts they’ve been to so we can visit each other and discuss our favorite bands. Want to participate? Just post your list on Monday morning with #MusicMonday in the title and look for all the other #MusicMonday posts in the Reader and on Twitter, then visit and comment on each others lists! And for cripes sake, would someone please share this to StumbleUpon?

Have a great Saturday, and thanks for your vote! ~Phil

Are You Ready For Music Monday?

Are you ready for this weeks #MusicMonday? How do you get ready? I’m glad you asked. This Monday music lovers from all over the blogosphere will publish their lists of the bands they’ve seen live. Want to join in? Just create a simple post with a list and maybe a picture or two of bands that you’ve seen live in concert. Then link to this post and I’ll visit and retweet your post. The idea is for everyone to visit each others posts and talk about our favorite bands with each other.

I hope this works and it’s not my lonely list! See you Monday! ~Phil

(BTW, if you’ve got a second, I’d love your vote for my blog as Funniest Blog in the Annual Bloggers Bash Awards. You can vote HERE  Thank you!)

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Signs Your Wife is Cheating With an Amish Guy

10. She’s never secretly texting in the bathroom.

9. She buys lots of new flannel lingerie

Harrison Ford in the movie Witness

Harrison Ford in the movie Witness

8. Suddenly begins going to nighttime barn raisings with “the girls.”

7. Comes home with straw in her hair.

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6. She suddenly has this new “butter churn” move in the bedroom.

5. Buys a loom

4. Seems oddly aroused when she sees horses on television.

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3. She receives an actual handwritten letter in the mail which you are unable to read because it’s in cursive.

2. Announces that she’s going to the Amish pub to participate in a wet bonnet contest.

1. Gets a tattoo of an Amish hat with the caption “Once you go black you never go back”

You would not believe some of the creepy terms I had to put into Google to find the pictures and get ideas for this. As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog button below. Also, if you haven’t voted for the Annual Bloggers Bash Awards, I’d be grateful if you’d go HERE and vote for me as Funniest Blogger. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Next Weeks Music Monday: We’re All Going To Do It Together!

Yes, that’s right, next week you’re going to participate in Music Monday. I started Music Monday because on a Monday morning when you’re heading back to work, sometimes it’s hard to get motivated. I thought that if I started the week with a great song it would lift my mood and give me energy. I started posting different songs every week. Over time I found a couple other blogging friends that love music as much as I do, Hayley of Just Another Blog from A Woman and Steve of Talk About Pop Music.

We thought it would be fun next Monday to post a list of music acts that we’ve seen in concert to compare and discuss. Here’s where you come in: We want you to do it too. I’m imagining people reading each others lists and commenting with things like, “I love them but I haven’t seen them yet. How are they?” Or maybe, “When did you see them? What? I was at that show too!” Or “I got close enough to catch a guitar pick!” Maybe even, “That was the worst concert ever!”  Whoever you like, there’s bound to be someone else on the interwebs that wants to talk about them too.

So next Monday, April 16th, I want everyone to celebrate Music Monday by posting their list of the bands they’ve seen in concert. Let’s fill the internet with music and connect with each other. If you link to me or tag me in some way, I’ll share everyone’s posts to my Twitter with #MusicMonday.

And just to get you going for today, here’s a video of my favorite band to see live, Green Day.

Have a great Monday and start working on your concert lists for next week! Maybe we’ll make Music Monday as big as Thursday Doors! If you’re going to do it, leave a comment today and link to me next Monday so I can remember to visit you and tweet you!

~Phil

When I Went To The Mensa Meeting…

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” ~Groucho Marx

If you’re not familiar with Mensa, then I’m pretty sure you don’t qualify to join the club. Mensa is the international high IQ (intelligence quotient) society with members in over 100 countries. “Membership in Mensa is open to persons who have attained a score within the upper two percent of the general population on an approved intelligence test that has been properly administered and supervised.”

So, me being me, if I don’t have membership in Mensa, I want membership in Mensa. I don’t even care that I would hate all the snooty high IQ people that say things like, “Tut tut,” as they hold their pinky out while sipping tea in front of a Monet at the Louvre. I have no idea if I’m intelligent enough, but they have it and I don’t, so I want it. If they had ebola I’d want that too. Don’t you hate when people put on airs about their exotic diseases?

Since you have to take a test to get into Mensa, I chose not to, but I wanted to go to their meeting to see what all the hullabaloo was about. (See? I said hullabaloo! I’m pretty sure that will go over well at the Mensa meeting.) I dressed in a tuxedo, because it’s hard to look stupid in a tuxedo.

I figured that if I looked smart I could just stroll on in. Seriously, who thinks there’s going to be security at the Mensa meeting.

“Excuse me sir, the wait staff entrance is in the back,” he said with a sneer.

Me excitedly: “Oh, I’m not a waiter. I’m here for the Mensa party!”

It is not a “party.” (he said using finger quotes) And if you are a member, I’ll need to see your identification. 

Me: Pulls out my driver’s license and hands it over. “That my friend is my license to ill.”

He holds it between his thumb and forefinger as if I’ve just handed him freshly created poo, or excrement as all the hoity toity Mensa members would say.

Yes, I’m Abe Froman, Sausage King of Chicago

No, I need to see your Mensa membership card.

Me (trying to sound intelligent) : It hasn’t come in the mail yet. I’m new. Just passed the exhumination yesterday!

Exhumination? You dug up a dead body?

Me: (doubling down on my idiocy) Umm…Yes! I exhumed a body and brought it back to life. That’s how smart I am! Once the proctologists saw that, they said I was smart enough and gave me a weaver.

Proctologists? Don’t you mean the proctors gave you a waiver? 

Me: Yes! Yes, that’s it exactly. They waved at me as I left the test. They said good bye and that I never needed to come back.

May I see it?

Me: See what?

Your waiver?

Me: It’s in my other tuxedo

Then I’m afraid you can’t come in.

Me: Afraid? Why are you afraid? You should be more afraid if I did come in!

Security! 

Me: (shouting as security drags me out) Don’t you know who I am? I’m The Phil Factor! You can’t do this to me! I have a blog and I’m gonna write about you! And it’s not going to be nice!

So here I am still rambling at all my favorite people where there’s no test to enter. If you were even mildly amused by this or any of the 1800 previous posts that I’ve written, would you take a moment to click HERE and vote for me for Funniest Blogger? Click that link and scroll about halfway down the page where you’ll get to the categories. Scroll to Funniest Blogger, find The Phil Factor in the list and click on it. There’s a lot of other great bloggers in the other categories, so make sure to vote for them too! Thank you for your support!

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil