It’s that time of year again! The time for the year in review Christmas form letter. It’s always touching when our relatives treat us like customers. Typically these form letters take one of two directions. The first and most typical is the “What a wonderful year we had!”
“Dear Relative/friend, 2022 was a wonderful year for my family. I started a new job six figure job, and my wife did the research that resulted in a COVID cure. The kids are doing well. Johnny aced the S.A.T., didn’t miss a question! He’s now been accepted into a Ph.D program at Harvard even though he’s only 14. Susie was named Miss Junior America and will be touring the country speaking out against make-up companies testing lip gloss on kittens. The picture on the front of the card is the new Bentley we got after winning the lottery.
The best course of action the next time you see these relatives is a swift, stunning punch to the forehead that will cause them to spill nog all over their tacky sweaters. They deserve this because they are lying about how fantastic their life is, or if their life is really that great then the bruise on their forehead will remind them that life is tough and they shouldn’t get too cocky.
The second kind of Christmas letter is my favorite. It’s the disaster letter. These are the people who make you feel so much better about yourself and your life.
“Hello everyone, it is with a heavy heart that we wish you Season’s Greetings. Sadly our twenty-seven year old cocker spaniel passed away from canine shingles last week. He was delicious. In more upbeat news from our family it has been a year of triumphs! We’ve all had Covid twice and survived. In fact, scientists from the university are pretty sure that the Omicron variant began in our very own house! Can you believe it? And now it’s famous! We’re looking towards a profitable future what with having invested all our savings in the Donald Trump NFT collection.
Also, little Johnny learned to poop indoors and that rash on Susie’s face cleared up. As soon as we get insurance we’ll get her lazy eye looked at. Home schooling is going well and they are both on track to graduate by the time they’re 21. We’re so proud! Once Trevor finds a job we’ll buy some train tickets and come visit!
The best course of action with these relatives is to tell them you’re moving and you’ll forward them the address as soon as you get settled.
I would just like to note that none of the pictures in this post are from my family. If I were to write a Christmas form letter to anyone reading this it might read:
Thank you to anyone who has read The Phil Factor even once. It’s been a wonderful year thanks to all of you. Thank you to those who have read one of my books and those who clicked Like or shared my weekly Phil Factor as well as those that have shared their thoughts in my comments section. Regardless of what religion or holiday you may or may not be celebrating this season, thank you for every little click you’ve directed at me in some way. In the comments below, which Awkward Family Christmas photo makes you cringe the most?
As always, Happy Wednesday, and if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please feel free to share by hitting the Facebook or Twitter share buttons below.