Am I serious? Abso-fecking-lutely! And we will find out tomorrow who People Magazine will bestow the title to.
Back in September People Magazine posted a poll on their website to determine this years Sexiest Man Alive. Here are the contenders:
Look at that! I shout in disgust. Nine dolts are up for consideration. Not a lot of rocket scientists in that bunch eh? Although, to be fair, Trevor Noah is pretty sharp. The rest making their living repeating words other, smarter people, wrote for them. You see who’s missing right? Again it appears that People Magazine is spitefully leaving me off the list just to make a point. The following list is why I’m a better choice than each and every one of these reprobates.
Keanu Reeves: As beloved as Keanu Reeves is, the truth is that he’s a Canadian. Thanks to the Republican party, no one from outside the United States is eligible for an award bestowed within the continental United States.
Ryan Gosling: If Ryan Gosling is so famous, then why did I have to Google “blond guy from Barbie”? His best role was as “Dad” in a Drunk History episode in 2011. He’s a has been. If that Drunk History role didn’t put him over the top, nothing will. Also his last name means baby goose. Is it even possible for a baby goose to be sexy? If he is so hot, then why wasn’t the movie called Ken?
Cillian Murphy: I’m all about supporting my fellow Irishmen, but he’s the dude they picked for a movie about the first nuclear bombs. He is truly the face of evil. Me? I’m only 26% evil at most.
Trevor Noah: He’s the only one that I consider legitimate competition. He writes his own material and is a talented stand-up comedian. But, sadly for him, he comes from South Africa, so the Republican’s have shot down his chances before we even voted.
Michael B. Jordan: Seriously Mike, what’s with the man-bun? When I’m elected President or Sexiest Man Alive, I’m going to ban the man-bun. That would make it the ban bun.
Also, you take the legendary name Michael Jordan? Are you trying to gravy train off the NBA legend? Do you think you’re the Michael Jordan of acting? Get your own name and see how Hollywood likes you as Ernie Whistlewhile.
Jeremy Allen White: I honestly didn’t know who he was until this morning. I had heard of The Bear, but I had never heard of Jeremy. Just because your show is popular, that doesn’t mean that you are. Get back to me when you get a spot on Drunk History. And, ugh, adding the middle name or initial is so fake pretentious. Get over yourself Jerry.
Pedro Pascal: OK, good actor. Been in a lot of stuff, but if he is the sexiest man alive, why did they cover his mediocre face in a helmet for 90% of every episode of The Mandalorian? I imagine at his audition the director thought, “Man, he nailed the lines and the vibe of the character, but that face! Ugh! What can we do about that? Oh, and btw, he probably spent about two years with helmet hair. That is decidedly not sexy. My hair, however, is spectacular.
Joe Burrow: If you’re not familiar with him, he is an American football Quarterback. To be honest, I was going to go into this and make fun of his extravagant game day outfits, but to be honest, I’m kind of down with it. The more ridiculous the better. I like somebody that unabashedly decides to do what they want. If you want to see more of Joe’s outfits, CLICK THIS. He’s kind of the Harry Styles of American football, but Sexiest Man Alive? Nope, not yet. Win a Super Bowl Joe and you get my vote.
So why me for Sexiest Man Alive? Just because the other guys are famous doesn’t mean they are sexier than me. Think about this; part of being an actor is the fact that sometimes you’re completely unemployed. In fact, at this very moment all of them may be unemployed and completely without health insurance! Me? Fully employed and insured.
You know that actors and athlete’s all have very active nightlife and are rarely home. You know what I think women find sexy? A man who comes home at night with flowers, helps clean up from dinner, takes the kids to the park and then sits down with a glass of wine next to you on the couch while you watch those ridiculous cooking and home improvement shows. Of course if I had a nightlife, or friends in real life who invited me out that would be different, but I don’t, so consequently, I’m sexy as hell to real women who want a real man. I’m not even sure I can find my Hammer pants anymore. Is that still a thing?
There’s no need for you to stroke my ego in the comments. What I’m more interested is is who, not just on this list, but in the whole world, do you think should be this years Sexiest Man Alive, and why?
Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil