Minnesota Vikings running back Onterrio Smith was detained last month at the Minneapolis airport when security screeners discovered a suspicious white powder in his luggage. Smith, as you may recall, was suspended for four games last season for violating the league’s substance abuse policy. That being the case you’re probably assuming the white powder in his luggage was cocaine, right? Oh no! It’s not that simple. The white powder was dried urine. It wasn’t even his own dried urine. He bought it. He had to buy it. The Original Whizzinator is no good without it. Yep, that’s right. Onterrio was packing, well,…a package. For those of you unfamiliar with this wonder of modern technology, it’s an artificial penis you hide in your pants and fill with warm water and the aforementioned dried urine. It’s a device used to beat drug tests. The artificial penis comes in a variety of sizes and colors so that if you’re being watched by perhaps a probation officer or NFL medical official it will look, ummm…, realistic. And you thought the cell phone was a great idea! There’s actually a website where you can purchase this sophisticated “piece” of equipment too. I’m not going to give out the site name here, but let me quote some of the testimonials that were posted on the site. (I am keeping intact all the stellar spelling and grammar as it was written on the site by actual users of the product.) “This thing is great. i was curious at first but then i got it and it works perfect. My mom threw my old one away but i’m going to get another one anyway. thanks you guys.” Does it surprise anyone that one of these losers still lives with his Mom? I’d love to find out what his elderly mother thought her son was up to when she found a fake penis in his room. Here’s another glowing review: “Since using the synthetic urine with the whizzinator, I am now employed with health insurance again. DO NOT LET ANYONE PUT THEIR HANDS ON YOUR DNA OR ANYTHING ELSE. FOR YOU WOMEN OUT THERE THAT ARE PREGNANT AND WANT A NEW JOB, THIS IS PERFECT AS WELL. GET THE WHIZZINATOR AND GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT. SOME URINE.WE ARE AT WAR PEOPLE, IT IS A CIVIL WAR, AND YOU ARE THE TARGET. MAKE SURE YOU ARE PROTECTED.” Gee, I wonder why these people seem so paranoid? If these brain boxes ever put half the effort they put into trying not to get caught into something constructive, one of them might cure cancer. By the way, there’s a ladies model too.
Self-proclaimed grand poobah of leisure and author of humorous suspense novels The Sneaker Tree & White Picket Prisons, the humor essay book Fifty Shades of Phil and the long running blog The Phil Factor. thephilfactor.com
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