Due to how famous I’ve become by writing stuff on any website that will have me, I was being interviewed the other day when someone squirted me with water. I immediately became enraged and then decided to marry a girl who still wears a retainer. Tom Cruise and I were born in the same city, Syracuse, N.Y., so I’m pretty sure we were switched at birth and he has stolen my life. His marriage to Nicole Kidman? Should have been mine. Dating Penelope Cruz? Mine too. Engaged to Katie Holmes? Should be mine. Talk about identity theft! I’m thinking of suing. If Tom knew I had his life I’m sure he’d want it back.