Stupid Things I Read This Week

Tom Cruise is seven years older than Wilford Brimley was when he played a grandfather in Cocoon in 1985. There’s two things that tells me; 1) Scientology and Just For Men hair dye are preserving Tom Cruise like a canned ham. You know how some crazy, rich celebrities and athletes sleep in an oxygen chamber to stay young? I’m certain that Tom Cruise sleeps in an a float therapy tank full of potassium sorbate 2) Wilford Brimley was born 50 years old. Look at that mustache. It would take me 50 years to grow one like that. Also, is Wilford Brimley not the oldest name in the history of names? I’m pretty sure that Wilford was one of the apostles. (Fun fact: Me and Tom Cruise were born in the same hospital)

A Lake In Mars? Who Cares!

This is another news story that gets “scientists” excited but does the rest of the world no good. Apparently “scientists” have discovered there may be an underground lake in Mars. How does this help us? The idea of water on Mars allegedly may be indicative that there once was or is some form of life. As I learned from Star Trek, just because our version of life needs water to survive, it doesn’t mean that life in the rest of the universe is exactly the same. And how many billions of dollars did it cost “scientists” to find this ridiculous Mars lake? How about using those billions of dollars to fix problems on Earth, where we live? I bet if you took the money it took to find the Mars lake and used it to put every terrorist into an apartment with a Netflix subscription there would be no more terror attacks. Or you could use the money to pay off at least 60% of the women Donald Trump has had affairs with. Hey “scientists” if you want me to stop calling you “scientists” in quotes, then do something really useful.

Hot Cheetos on the Hot Seat

This was the headline I saw earlier this week: Teen Had To Have Gallbladder Removed, Hot Cheetos May Be To Blame : A 17 year old from Tennessee…  She was eating four bags a day of Hot Cheetos. She was bringing bags to school. WTF? How about parents? Did she have any of those? The headline should say Parents Let Child Eat Herself Into Surgery! And obviously the teen was not a rocket scientist. But she’s obviously smart enough to be a “scientist.” Hey, maybe she should drink some of that Mars water to offset the hot cheetos.

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil


15 responses to “Stupid Things I Read This Week

  1. Oh my god. The movie ‘Cocoon’ was so bad. But, thanks for the memories of it. Your posts are always such a good chuckle!

  2. Good one, Phil!
    I must get me one of those oxygen chambers..for the cat

  3. Thinking of Cruise in a chamber reminds me of the movie “Altered States”. Enough said there lol. Why on Earth was this child eating four bags a day??? Was she not being fed otherwise, or is this the latest diet fad? Burn off your fat…and organs. Geez

  4. OMG. who lets their child eat 4 bags of chips a day? And the comparison of Brimley and Cruise was hilarious and very telling of where our society’s priorities are. It also shows that taking care of your body does slow the aging process down. You just have to do it 24/7. LOL!

  5. Those Flaming Hot Cheetos are toxic!!! I wonder how many kids have had a normal appendix removed because of symptoms induced by consuming large amounts of Flaming Hot Cheetos?

  6. I sampled a hot Cheeto once. Still having trouble swallowing. We should just give every ISIS member a bag and it would be over.

  7. Me: *reading that Hot Cheetos made a girl have to have her gallbladder removed*
    Me: *licking orange dust off of my fingers* That’s crazy.
    Me: *reaching into bag*

  8. I’m sorry… I couldn’t get any further than Tom Cruise is a canned ham.

  9. This is awesome and perfectly suits my mood this morning. 😉

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