When Athletes Attack!

The title may sound like a Fox sweeps month special, but sadly it’s becoming a fairly regular occurrence. Whether you are a member of the media, a fan, or an opposing player it seems that you take your life in your hands when you attend a sporting event. From Kenny Rogers, to the Pistons-Pacers, to Frankie Francisco warming up by throwing chairs from the bullpen, to just about any Mike Tyson public appearance, the threat from these so-called entertainers has become all too real.
If you live in a city where professional sports are played I have to think that the terror warning level rises to red on a game night. Forget the Taliban. At this point we’re looking for an attack from them. With athletes, the scary part is that you’re not expecting an attack and then bam! You get hit by a chair, or a camera, or a discarded syringe. You could be walking down the aisle in the supermarket, bump your cart into somebody parked in the cereal aisle deciding between Quisp and Lucky Charms and suddenly Barry Bonds is throwing frozen pig knuckles at your head.
Ever since that German dude went Jason Voorhees on Monica Seles about 10 years ago, athletes have complained about how scary the fans are. The athletes and stadium security are now so uptight that you can’t just get liquored up, rip off your shirt, hop the wall and run around the field during a game anymore. What is funnier than seeing that guy elude stadium security for 5 minutes before they finally tackle him? If I run a team, the first thing I do is hire a guy to fake that routine every week. I might even work out routines for the athletes to catch him occasionally. Thanks to the athletes’ paranoia there’s no streaking and no chicks running on the field to kiss people. It’s almost like the athletes think sports are there for them to enjoy.
Yes, I know women will just cite this as another example that testosterone=crazy, but then again, that opinion comes from people who wax their nether regions. (Not that we don’t appreciate it, but what’s good for the goose should damn well stay that way)
Here are my suggestions for a peaceful resolution to this quagmire: 1) Institute the death penalty for steroid users. (Yeah right Mr. Selig, 10 games is really scaring people)
2) Mandate marijuana use for all professional athletes. These guys need to mellow way out. They’re doing it anyway, so why make it difficult?
3) Increase fan alcohol consumption at sporting events. No one gets in with a BAC under.10. If the fans are too drunk, there is no way we can accurately hit an athlete with a thrown beer. We may also be too blotto to care about the outcome of the event.
4) Make me commissioner of everything because I apparently didn’t get the nod for that empty Supreme Court seat.