On my way to work this morning I saw something I’ve never seen before. At least not in my city. You know those electronic signs above the roadways that give you messages about accidents or construction ahead? Today the sign I passed under said, “High Ozone. Please refrain from idling.” Idling? Idle what? Idle chatter? American Idol? False Idols? Billy Idol? Ozone is never anything I’ve worried about before. I live near a medium sized city in upstate New York. I can see having ozone problems in New York City or L.A. perhaps. If it was up to me I’d have a whole lot less ozone frankly. Isn’t the ozone essentially our atmosphere? The layer of invisible stuff that blocks out at least some of the sun’s harmful UV rays? Aren’t the scientists constantly worrying about the hole in the ozone getting bigger? Why? If the hole is bigger, as I understand it, we’ll have more global warming. Living in an area that gets a lot of snow, I’m all for global warming. Screw you equator people. You’ve had it too good for too long, and now that the rest of us are getting the chance to enjoy some warm weather you’re crying about too much heat. In fact, I do everything I can to take down the ozone layer personally. When I had a car with a sun roof and freon air conditioning, I would drive around with the sun roof open and the air conditioning on just hoping the freon would cut a swath right through the ozone above my car. When they outlawed aerosol hairspray, I stocked up just so I could take out a little bit of the ozone every day for the rest of my life. That and because I had to keep my mullet in perfect shape.
Self-proclaimed grand poobah of leisure and author of humorous suspense novels The Sneaker Tree & White Picket Prisons, the humor essay book Fifty Shades of Phil and the long running blog The Phil Factor. thephilfactor.com
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