I’m thinking about having a mid-life crisis. Part of my problem is that since I don’t plan to die, I’m not sure when my “mid-life” will be. Despite my vow never to die, I’m having a hard time convincing my body that it doesn’t have to get older. When your cholesterol score is higher than your SAT score it might be time to acknowledge the aging process. If I don’t start eating better, after my first heart attack the doctors will tell me they found an entire McNugget lodged in my aorta. Sadly, I realize that I no longer have the body of an 18 year old, but that’s only because my wife found out about her and we had to stop dating. A lot of people hear Snap, Crackle, and Pop in the morning, but now it comes from my joints. So far I’m too ashamed to dye my hair to hide the gray that is creeping in at the temples, so I’ve started telling people that I’m adding gray highlights. I’m hoping to convince enough people that it will become a new trend. From watching television and movies, mid-life crises look to be really fun. Should I quit my job, find the Dali Llama and take up transcendental basket weaving? I’d buy a sports car, but I’m already pretty happy with the car I’ve got. I’m not really questioning my identity or place in life, but just completely going nuts for a while seems like a pretty fun idea. So needless to say, before I am forced to admit that I am in fact aging, I’d like to start a mid-life crisis just to have one last fling at re-capturing my quickly fading youth. I’m just not sure how to get started. Any suggestions?
Self-proclaimed grand poobah of leisure and author of humorous suspense novels The Sneaker Tree & White Picket Prisons, the humor essay book Fifty Shades of Phil and the long running blog The Phil Factor. thephilfactor.com
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