Ding Ding Ding Da Duh Ding Ding. Ding Ding Ding Da Duh Ding Ding. (This is the David Bowie/Queen version, not the lame Vanilla Ice rip off version) Now that you know what those first two lines mean, go back and sing them aloud to the tune. I spelled it out pretty damn good didn’t I? Until you actually try to spell out those nonsense phrases from songs, you don’t realize how hard it is to make up words. Apparently people like Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are much smarter than we give them credit for. The reason for the title of this post is that I’m feeling blog pressure. It’s apparently not the kind of pressure that extra dietary fiber will help with. Other than my ridiculous musings about trying to sell my house or the adolescent antics of me and a bunch of other drunk, middle aged men I generally don’t reveal too much about what goes on in my day to day life. Don’t get your hopes up. That’s not going to change now. This blog is sort of an outlet for an old hobby. I used to occasionally do stand-up comedy and despite having left that tragic part of my life behind, I still get the urge to make fun of everything. That can sometimes cause a problem in the world of working adults who don’t see the humor in everything. The blog pressure I speak of is the pressure of trying to find something amusing or funny to say at least every 48 hours. I do say funny and amusing things on a regular basis throughout every day, but who wants to read a blog post that says, “Boy my day at work was really tough! …and so I said to my supervisor, ‘That’s why form 304E was in the circular file! HA HA HA HA!” My goal is to be at slightly more amusing than a Dilbert cartoon. I mean, it’s funny when the rest of you do it. I really love that. I do, but it’s just not me. This is sad. I’m just rambling here like that guy in your college residence hall who gets high every day and always corners you in the elevator so he can use that old line, “What if we’re really all just characters in someone’s dream? What happens when that person wakes up?” AAAAIGH! More pressure! I don’t want to ramble, yet I have nothing amusing or pithy to say. This is like high school all over again. I want to have a popular and interesting blog, but what do I do when I have nothing to say? I suppose I could get drunk and hope that I come out of my shell. That person was always fun in school wasn’t he/she? That getting drunk to impress people thing never seems to work. If you’re a girl you end up having sex with someone you didn’t want, and if you’re a guy you usually throw up on someone you wanted to have sex with. Well, if you’ve read this far without leaving I guess you’re really my new best friend. Imagine how much I might write when I don’t have writer’s block.
Self-proclaimed grand poobah of leisure and author of humorous suspense novels The Sneaker Tree & White Picket Prisons, the humor essay book Fifty Shades of Phil and the long running blog The Phil Factor. thephilfactor.com
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