The Church of Phil


Let’s step into the Way Back Machine and return to last Monday. It was Halloween. I took my adorable little boys Trick or Treating. That adorable little tradition where we encourage them to put on masks and accost complete strangers in their homes for candy. We also throw in a threat (trick) if they don’t cough up the goods. It sounds like the little tikes are being trained to rob banks. Most of the kids seem to be dressed in a costume that embodies violence anyway, adding a little more credibility to their threat. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, but in my mind it was tainted this year by what I found in one of my children’s Trick or Treat bags. As a responsible parent I of course check through my children’s bags of goods when we return from our annual neighborhood extortion spree just to make sure some psychopath isn’t giving out popcorn balls full of rat poison. I often even go so far as to eat all Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups just to protect my children from the potential for future clogged arteries. This year I found something worse than rat poison. Someone wasn’t trying poison my son’s body, they were trying to poison his mind. No, it wasn’t as bad as Republican re-election propaganda, but it was close. On a small bag of chips someone had placed a sticker with a bible verse on it about turning away from the power of Satan to God. At that moment, after reading the deeply moving scripture, I had an epiphany. An awakening of sorts. I realized that one of my neighbors was an a-hole. What kind of a nut job uses an innocent children’s holiday to try to recruit followers? If I want to take my children out to worship Satan in my own neighborhood don’t try to ruin it with your wholesome goodness! I didn’t know which neighbor it was who had committed such an atrocity on one of the best days of the year, but if I had known I might have said, “Hey moron! You may be holier than thou, but you’re definitely not smarter than thou. The kids going door to door asking for free candy are not worshipping Satan. They’re worshipping the great sugar buzz they’ll be annoying their parents with for the next week. If you want to prevent Satan worship why don’t you go out into the woods and find a group of black clad people chanting and preparing a human sacrifice. Give them your f-ing chips! If chips with some nice sour cream and onion dip isn’t proof of a loving and benevolent God, then I don’t know what is. You might want to throw in a six pack of beer with that. A cold beer beats a cup of warm blood any day.” Does anyone remember Jim Jones and his cult in Guyana 20 years ago? They drank Kool-Aid didn’t they? I wonder if that was just to wash down their chips. That’s all we have to do to battle the forces of darkness. Just have better snacks. I think I may start my own church based on that premise.

14 responses to “The Church of Phil

  1. If they’re so religious, what are they doing supporting halloween anyway??? I thought devout christians thought halloween to be associated with the devil???

  2. I have no idea Princess. I thought of that also. I guess they are just using our holiday to try to spread their gospel to us poor, confused Satan worshippers. Next year I’m handing out candy with Satanic sayings on it. That should go over well.

  3. Lest anyone get the wrong idea, I do not really worship Satan. He worships me. I may go out for a beer with him now and then, but I definitely do not worship him. That smug, self-absorbed, bastard already thinks too much of himself.

  4. I see what your saying. Time and place for everything. Religious sayings should NOT be part of the Sugar God’s holiday. I fully agree with you dear Phil.

  5. How insane. Who would take advantage of a fun holiday to promote their cause? Morons!

  6. I was thinking the same thing PP was…but then maybe they thought this was a great time to get their word out. Weirdos…but then again..when have these people ever waited for the ‘right’ moment?

  7. Phil–I also take on the responsibility for eating all of the Reese’s.A pagan friend of mine had a similar experience last year and was super, super irritated to the point that she wanted to go back and confront the woman handing them out. Try Google-ing “Scripture Mints.” I found: “Old Fashion Soft Peppermint$2.99Bag CandyEach Piece wrapped in a KJV scripture verse. Melt In Your Mouth Soft Mint Candy7oz Bag Approx. 36 Pieces”Mmmmm, that’s some good bible verse.

  8. That is some crazy crap right there. I am all for diversity and people being allowed to believe what they please. I just have a major issue with them trying to push their beliefs on me. It infuriates me. You should start the church of Phil… like that philosophy of the noodly one that is out…damn I can’t remember the actual name but that new religion that deifies a noodle-looking alien. Hehe. -N

  9. It’s your own fault Phil. You should have been paying attention to who was giving out what. And then warned the others. “Don’t go to that house. They are just passing out scriptures. No chocolate to be found!”I’m sure glad I’m not your neighbor, Devil Boy.Lois Lane

  10. N & Phil–It’s the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. My daughter just told me about it the other day.

  11. Gorgeous-YEAH! That is the one! And he has a noodly appendage or something šŸ™‚-N

  12. Sorry that happened to your kids, Phil. Not all Christians are like that…trust me on that one!!! Some of us are pretty damn normal.

  13. I know Well Woman. I don’t really have an axe to grind against Christians, I just thought the post would be good comedy. Now if the person had handed out full size Snickers with scripture on them I might consider changing churches.

  14. Dang those Christians! Why do they have to force themselves on everyone?What could be more intrusive than a sticker on a bag of potato chips?!By the way, did you know that potato chips < HREF="http://streetwind.blogspot.com/2005/11/mailing-it-in.html" REL="nofollow">grow on trees<> in Canada?

Leave a Reply