Cell Phone People Part V

Many of my long time readers, (well, both of them), will recognize this rant from Cell Phone People Parts I-IV posted from May 15th to June 30th. In those previous posts I railed against the stupidity of “cell phone people.” Not everyone who owns a cell phone is one of the “cell phone people.” Cell phone people are those social nuisances who feel that just because they have the ability to express their every thought to someone, that they should do so immediately, no matter where or when they are. The cell phone people also seem to believe that everyone they call must be deaf because they’re always talking really loudly.

This week one of these “cell phone people” has made big news in the U.S. by robbing 4 Wachovia banks all while chatting on her cell phone. The Cell Phone Bandit, as she has been dubbed, walks into the bank, chatting on her cell phone, hands the teller a note demanding money, and carefully shows that she has a gun in her purse. Now this woman is a nuisance in two ways. How the hell have the authorities not caught this woman? After the first Wachovia bank gets robbed by a woman with a cell phone you might think it was an isolated incident. After two banks get robbed by the same woman in the same way, someone had to see a pattern. If I was in charge of Wachovia banks, after the second robbery I would have ordered a sign posted outside all their branches stating, “Due to the recent robberies anyone entering a Wachovia bank talking on a cell phone will be shot on sight. No questions asked. Have a nice day.” If I’m a Wachovia security guard I happily oblige with this order. On any given day I personally have a hard time restraining myself from assaulting these cell phone dolts as it is. Now they may start taking my money? It is on!

I wonder what the cell phone bandit’s conversations were like while she was robbing the banks? If she’s anything like a typical cell phone dolt it probably went like this: “Oh yeah, you wouldn’t believe it. Yeah, he makes those noises like every 5 seconds while were doing it. It’s so weird. I don’t think I can see him anymore. Hold on a sec, I’m at the bank. Yes, thank you. Small unmarked, non-sequential bills please. Nothing larger than a 20. Oh, and then when I tell Tina about this she’s like ‘But he’s so cute in a blue collar sort of way.’ Puh-lease! Tina can have him if you ask me. Oh, did you hear that my sister is getting married? To an Irish guy of all things! Yes, thank you. You have a nice day. I’ve got to get off the phone now. I’m getting in the car. Yeah, we’ll go out tonight. I’m buying. Talk to you later.” In a perfect world this conversation would be followed by a gunshot and a futile call to 911, made on a now bloodied cell phone.