I want to own the rights to the CBS television show “Everybody Loves Raymond.” Is it because I’m a huge “Raymond” fan? In a word, NO! I absolutely despise that show. I hate “Everybody Loves Raymond” with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns. If given a choice between watching “Raymond” or having toothpicks forcibly shoved under my fingernails, I would choose the toothpicks. That show is the television equivalent of torture. Now that they are no longer making new episodes it seems to be on 24/7! There are enough episodes broadcast each day that if the networks combined them they could have a 24 hr “Raymond” channel. What’s not to hate? Every plot is the same. Raymond does something stupid. Debra is unbelieveably bitchy to him. Robert is jealous of Raymond. Raymond tries to compensate for his first mistake, but only makes more mistakes to compound his misery. Debra is unbelieveably bitchy to him. Then he tries to get Debra to have sex with him. A perfect end to that series might have been an episode where Raymond finally snaps and kills Debra. And damn, if those two little twin boys didn’t have the biggest foreheads! If I hate it so much much, why do I want to own the rights to it? The answer is simple. If I owned the rights to that show, another episode would never see the light of day. I would destroy every recorded copy of every episode of the entire series. I would offer money for people to give me their home recorded copies of “Raymond” episodes so that I could destroy them. If I were to successfully to do away with that show for good I believe I would be raising the I.Q. of every person on the planet by at least 3 points. That would be worth a Nobel prize. I don’t ask for much. Is this an unreasonable Christmas wish?
Self-proclaimed grand poobah of leisure and author of humorous suspense novels The Sneaker Tree & White Picket Prisons, the humor essay book Fifty Shades of Phil and the long running blog The Phil Factor. thephilfactor.com
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