when I’m elected President or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, is to pass a law straightening out the calendar once and for all. I’m sick and tired of trying to remember which months have 30 or 31 days, and why does February get screwed?
The year didn’t always begin on January 1st. Until Julius Caesar introduced his calendar in 45 B.C. the year started on different days depending upon your country or religion. That’s right, Julius Caesar came up with “his” calendar. He may have been an arrogant, self-righteous, tyrannical dictator, but hey, what’s wrong with that if you’ve got good ideas? In fact, there used to be 10 months that ranged in length from 20-35 days. People have been screwing with the calendar for centuries. It wasn’t until 1582 that Pope Gregory put the current calendar in place. When he did, the Protestants called him “The Roman Antichrist”, claiming that he made up the new calendar just to keep them from worshipping on the right days. What a bunch of morons! Yeah, that’s right Protestants, the Pope was opposed to Christ. Brilliant. Can you imagine the Pope thinking to himself, “I’ll fix those anal-retentive Protestants once and for all! I’ll make a new calendar for the entire world just so they can’t find their own holidays. HA HA HA HA HA HA (maniacal laughter).” You’d never imagine a Pope having maniacal laughter, but there it is. If I change the calendar and someone refers to me as The Antichrist I’d feel honored. I mean, being considered THE Antichrist is pretty prestigious. Not a whole lot of people have been tagged with that title throughout history.
The current calendar wasn’t introduced until 1582 and wasn’t used worldwide until the 1700’s. It’s only been in use 300 years! I don’t think it would be that traumatic to tweak it a little. Here’s my proposal: Make every month the same length, 28 days. Every week has 7 days and every month would have 4 weeks. Nice round numbers even the bottom feeders in society could grasp. I believe that over the course of our lives we all probably lose about a month of time just figuring out how many days certain months have and whether or not we can schedule something on September 31st for instance. How many times have you been in conversation trying to figure out how many weeks until you go on vacation? If the months all had the same amount of days it would be easy! How often do you go to a calendar to check if a month has 30 or 31 days? All that time would be saved with my new calendar. This may seem like a radical idea, but scientists are doing it all the time. This past New Years they added an extra second to 2005 to correct for something about the Earth’s orbit around the Sun. What do you think Leap Day, February 29th is all about? Same thing. Yes, I realize that by implementing my idea the seasons would gradually shift to different parts of the year, but Caesar implemented his calendar in 45 B.C. and by the time it was fixed by Pope Gregory 1500 years later we were only 10 days off schedule based on Earth’s orbit. 10 days in 1500 years! If I were to change the calendar would any of you really give a rats ass if the people on planet Earth in the year 3506 would have to make a new one?