Lost in the Supermarket

“I’m all lost in the supermarket
I can no longer shop happily
I came in here for that special offer
A guaranteed personality”

As many of you know, I moved about 6 weeks ago. I didn’t move far, but I did move far enough that it’s now much more convenient for me to go to a different supermarket. That change alone is causing me to suffer from PTSD. My new supermarket is another in the same supermarket chain as my last one. It looks just like my old supermarket with the same big, reassuring sign on the front that tells me I’ll find everything I need within. The employees are dressed the same. The shopping carts look the same. The same shelves of newspapers and free periodicals are available in the entrance. Despite all these comforting signs that say everything will be all right, once I get inside it’s as if I’m Alice in Wonderland and I’ve fallen down the rabbit’s hole. NOTHING IS WHERE IT SHOULD BE!!!!!! It’s like I was blindfolded in my old supermarket, spun around 10 times and then the blindfold was removed. Everything looks almost the same, but I’m completely disoriented. I stumble around as if drunk, bumping into shelves and shoppers that aren’t where I expect them to be. The aisles are all still there, but they have different stuff in them! My shopping takes twice as long because this store is set up ALL WRONG!!! Based on my disorientation alone it might be worth it for me to drive the extra 10 minutes to my old supermarket where I can find everything twice as fast. This is another thing I will change when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first. All supermarkets of the same chain must be set up exactly the same.

As if supermarkets being different weren’t a big enough problem, they all seem to be populated by shoppers who are mentally deficient. For everyone out there, please note that you should drive your shopping cart the way you drive your car. In the U.S.A., please stay to the right as you move forward. (Read the next two lines with an unbelievably sarcastic tone and a bit of a shout please) If everyone goes the same way two carts wide no one can go the other direction! And if someone comes from the other direction, don’t just stand there stupidly looking at each other waiting for one of you to back up 3 feet! Another type of shopper I hate is “the contemplative shopper”. These brain boxes pull up in front of a section of items and then stand there pondering what must be a life changing choice based on the amount of time it takes them. They become human cholesterol blocking the vital artery of carts attempting to flow. As bad as the contemplative shopper is the people who still write paper checks at the checkout. As the cashier announces the total they are suddenly surprised that they have to pay. It is at this moment that they finally take out their checkbook and begin to fill out a check and then meticulously log it in their check register. At this point it’s a good thing that guns are not sold as “impulse items” on the rack at the checkout. If I was to ever have the impulse to shoot someone that would be the time. I also believe it would be justified.

As an aside, if you can get the musical reference I used in the intro without looking it up, you win 5000 Phil Points which can be redeemed at the gift shop for a Phil Factor t-shirt and you also become my new best friend.

22 responses to “Lost in the Supermarket

  1. Thanks for sticking with me and reading through one of my longer posts.

  2. Lol!! Too funny!!! But I totally agree with you!!! I wish guns were sold as impulse items in stores….Alot less stupid people in front of me at that point and the cashier’s I.Q would jump about 50 points. Tawnya

  3. Darn, me and my sucky memory for songs etc. I don’t win a prize *sigh*…but totally agree with you on the supermarket thing, my way of dealing lately is to park my cart up against an end cap,and go down each aisle filling my arms with the necessary items, all the while cursing under my breath at the “mentally deficient contempative shopper” as you so aptly name them…if I want to make things more fun, I time myself, depending on the list size–what is the shortest amount of time it will take me to accomplish the hated task–the mega stores are worse though, so even though my local chain cannot seem to place items in a logical sequence I stick to them as it does lessen the burden. My worse shopping experience will never leave me though, and it occured this past Turkey Day, I was out of potatoes–how can one prepare Thanksgiving dinner without mashed potatoes—-anyway off to the supermarket–I scan the produce aisle, no potatoes,I think, okay you’re in a hurry, gotta be here somewhere, no potatoes, I enlist the aid of a fellow shopper, no potatoes, they were out of fing potatoes!! We both thought we were nuts. When was the last time you were in a market and didn’t see potatoes? Dunno, maybe the price of turkey was so high this year, that everyone made up for the lack of bird with potatoes. So, lucky me got to visit another store across town, which then led me to find that for some reason they had misplaced their produce department, it wasn’t in the ‘normal’ place–by the main entrance but hidden off to the side! Ain’t life grand? Hmm seems I wrote way more than I intended, maybe I should have emailed you 😉

  4. I so agree with you. Nothing worse than going into the same branded store, but everything is different. And the people, like you said, are so frustrating. I hate shopping !!!! Take care, Meow

  5. What’s worse is when you go into your favorite store, the one you have been shopping at for years, only to find that a new manger has rearranged everything. This is MY STORE, the one I have bonded with, the one that has seen me through all those holidays and special occasions. How do I adapt to othis sudden change? It’s like coming home and finding a new woman acting as your wife. (Well, maybe that migt not be too hard to deal with. Bad example.) Anyway, old habits die hard, and now I have to learn all new shopping habits. I may have to give up food.

  6. You only moved 6 weeks ago? if feels like it was forever ago.

  7. LMAO, i dunno where Meow shops, but here in Oz ALL the supermarkets are planned the same. Every Safeway is set out the same, every other chain store is planned like it too 🙂

  8. i know what you mean Phil. There is this pretense of normality, whereas in reality, we all know, supermarkets in other neighbourhoods, exist in parallel universes.

  9. Sunny- Holy cow! That is the longest comment I’ve ever seen.Chloe- That’s it exactly! I think you hit the nail on the head!Princess- Yes, it was only 6 weeks ago, but I started selling and looking to buy last August.Tigger- See? Guns can make the world a better place!Michelle- Maybe you should try moving, because Meow says there are different supermarkets in Oz.Bob- That’s exactly right. Chances are that all of us will use “our” supermarket a lot longer than the snot-nosed 21 year old manager will be there.

  10. Again, I’m still waiting for someone to identify the song I used in the intro.

  11. The contemplative shoppers are the worst. It wouldn’t be so bad if they pulled their cart over and got out of the way, but the insist on sitting there in the middle of the aisle.

  12. Hmmm you are suffering for having your cheese moved. I like new places…I find pleasure in finding new stuff they may carry and where stuff is.🙂 Change is good.-N

  13. amen phil, amen! you should try shopping in kentucky, puts a unique twist on it, think people from deliverance. oh by the way, its from the clash.

  14. “…as if I’m Alice in Wonderland and I’ve fallen down the rabbit’s hole.”Look around the supermarket Phil; do you see small bottles labeled DRINK ME and small cakes with EAT ME attached to them?Is there a large caterpillar hanging around smoking something questionable from a hookah pipe?If so, then Please note:You are NOT in a supermarket.Find the nearest exit and RUN!!!!

  15. If I recall, your intro was written by The Clash.I miss my old supermarket also.

  16. I really don’t mind going to the grocery store, and I go often. The only thing that irritates me is that HEB does rearrange their aisles about every six months. I think they do it b/c they are bored. It seems to make no real improvement on the flow of my shopping. I say, if it aint broke don’t fix it!

  17. Maybe the solution to the congestion problem would be to make the aisles one way, then give tickets to those who violated the rules. The supermarket could use the money it raised to reduce the price of groceries. Would it work?

  18. I think it’s amazing that paper checks are still legal! My mom is one of those people that refuse to give them up. BTW the song is from the Clash.But I cheated and looked it up…so no Phil points for me! LOL

  19. Doni-Thank you! My faith in humanity is restored. You win! It’s The Clash song, “Lost in the Supermarket.”Tai- It’s a supermarket. There are actually bottles that say drink me and packages that say eat me.Gooby- I’ll bet you cheated.Kim- See? We all feel the same.Bob- Great idea.Brandi- Strange but true. I can’t believe people still use them either. Those same people probably still listen to music on vinyl. I’ll bet they’ve heard of The Clash.

  20. Phil, You should go to Trader Joe’s. You wanna talk “contemplative shoppers”? How about ones that are stoned off their asses, wandering aimlessly down every organic aisle,huh?Yet, still keep going back.The song….Spongebob? No, Beastie Boys? I dunno.

  21. I wasn’t born so much as I fell outNobody seemed to notice meWe had a hedge back home in the suburbsOver which I never could see..I heard the people who lived on the ceilingScream and fight most scarilyHearing that noise was my first ever feelingThat’s how it’s been all around me……….anywho !! I SO know what you mean. My local supermarket recently renovated and after 15 yrs of shopping there I suddenly couldn’t find a damn thing !! It took me an extra hour to do the shopping for a few months. I’m almost used to it now.xxx I’ll take my shirt in a Large please so I can use it to sleep in

  22. My poor Phil. This is why they make the signs that hang over each aisle… :0)

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