What Do You Think?

Cliff reached the shed and corralled the swinging door. As he prepared to close and latch it, a little girl’s voice issued from within. “Can you help me?” He could barely make out a small; dirt streaked face in the back corner, as if the child was sitting, almost hiding in the darkness. Cliff stepped forward into the shed. The mixed smells of dirt, gasoline and grass clippings flooded his senses. He heard the slight shuffle of a foot on the dirty, wooden floor behind him and to the left. As he began to turn something slammed into his skull. Lights and blackness seemed to explode simultaneously in his vision as he fell forward. When he hit the floor Cliff felt a sickening crack in his nose. He rolled over, trying to clear his blurred vision. He could make out a shadow moving towards him. He rolled onto his side, feeling cold metal beneath his face. He reached to feel it, grabbed whatever it was and swung as hard as he could in the direction of the looming shadow. Cliff felt the metal object connect and register a satisfying crunch as his unknown assailant fell to his knees. As Cliff lay prone on his back, exhausted from the effort it took to defend himself, he could see a glint of metal as the blurry shadow raised something above his head. Cliff heard a whoosh and rolled to his right. A shot of pain momentarily cleared his vision as his broken nose grazed the floor. He heard a thunk as a shovel stabbed into the wooden floor inches behind his head. Cliff swung the metal crowbar he had picked up, striking the shadow in the largest, darkest area. He hoped he had broken a few ribs. He heard the dark, blurry shadow gasping for breath. It sounded like the rough, coarse breathing of a very large man. The dirty-faced girl rushed past the two fallen men and out into the storm. Cliff could feel the rain blowing in on his face as thunder rolled across the sky overhead. The open shed door continued to blow and slam against the side of the shed. Cliff crawled towards his attacker, barely seeing, hoping to inflict more damage. A kick to his head ended that hope as the now very solid shadow pulled itself to it’s feet and limped out of the shed and into the gray, wet day. Cliff lay on his back exhaling, unintentionally blowing a bubble through the flow of hot, sticky, crimson fluid pouring from his swollen nose. His head began to swim as everything around him began to sway and spin. He closed his eyes, “I’ll just rest for a minute,” he thought. As Cliff passed into unconsciousness his cell phone went off, “She was a fast machine, she kept her motor clean, she was the best damn woman I had ever seen…”

My question is, does this sound like a convincing fight scene? I’ve never written one before.

16 responses to “What Do You Think?

  1. Great for a virginal writer, a little cliche’ maybe?? Pretty cool though :o)

  2. Do you want the critique on here? Or you can send it to me in word format and I can send it back with comments. 🙂-N

  3. I think I’ll let Natalia be the critic, but do let me know how it ends!

  4. OH! Poor Cliff…it sounds pretty painful, so that’s good!

  5. Ouch! Poor Cliff. That cell phone ring changed your scene from a “fight” to a comedy. I know I was not meant to laugh but it was funny 🙂

  6. I think it was good and I want to know what happens next!!!

  7. I like it.I mean, for a fight scene. Cause really, I’m not into blood.

  8. is Cliff your alter ego? are there autobiographical elements in your work? that’s what i want to know.

  9. It sounds sorta like something I’ve read before …so that’s a good sign? Also, I was squirming and didn’t want to read it… because I hate blood and gore. So that’s also a good sign, speaking to its realistic-ness, I think.I definitely want to know what happened to the girl. And the blood bubble from the nose is gross…. which is good, if that’s what you were going for!

  10. Michelle- Thanks. What do you mean by cliche?Natalia- You can critique a little here if it’s not too much.Kim- If all goes as I hope, you’ll have to buy the book to find out how it ends.Tai- It sounded painful to me too.dzeni- The cell phone at the end was meant to suddenly shift gears into a little humor. Barbara- Thank you.Berly- Thanks.Chloe- No, Cliff isn’t my alter ego and there are no autobigraphical elements to him. If it was me, I’d win the fight of course.Jmai- Thanks for the feedback. Realistic is good I think.

  11. …I think Natalia’s idea is brilliant…blog is working again…you can stop obessing over it now…all those emails. Geez, I thought you had a job. LOL

  12. “BUY” the book??? As a devoted Phil Factor Fan and future President of your Phil Factor Fan Club, I would think that I should qualify for a free copy!

  13. Princess- Thank god your blog is working again. I didn’t want to go another day without my Princess fix.Kim- Well since you put it that way, the first signed copy goes to you.

  14. it was pretty good fight scene wise. I would change “crimson fluid” to “blood.” Also, The description of the smells in the shed are odd. If there is a storm going on outside you wouldn’t get the strong lawnmower smells. Maybe more like “the smell of gas (etc) mixed with the smell of damp and rain from outside,” or something like that.

  15. Thanks Geewits.

  16. I think maybe you have too much time on your hands??

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