Please Don’t Read This!

See? It worked. You read it anyway. The title and your reading of these words illustrates my point perfectly. Based on that point I am going to embark on a new career. Until I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pursue a career as a Reverse Psychologist. As a therapist, it has been my experience that very few people follow the advice they are given. In fact, some people who are determined not to be controlled by “the man” will do the exact opposite of what they are told just out of spite. These people will be my new patients. Here’s how a few sessions might go:

1. Female Patient: “(sniff, sniff) Dr. Phil, my boyfriend drinks, cheats on me, and steals money from my purse so he can gamble.”
Me: “Whoa nellie! Stop the presses! You’ve got yourself a keeper there! If you don’t marry him and have his children then I will! Don’t let him get away!”

2. Depressed Patient: “I’ve been very depressed since I lost my job and my wife left me. I’m thinking of suicide. What should I do?”
Me: “Well if I were you the last thing I’d do would be to apply for new jobs and start dating again. You don’t need that kind of trouble! You’d be better off staying at home and wallowing in your misery. And whatever you do, absolutely do not get any exercise or take care of your hygiene!”

3. Anger Management Patient: “Dr. Phil, my boss is really pissing me off. I think he’s got it in for me. He’s always checking on my work and yelling at me in front of the other employees. I’ve had it! The next time he does that I’m going to punch him and quit on the spot!”
Me: “That is brilliant! You saw right through his plan. That son of a bitch is obviously trying to provoke you into a fight so he can fire you! You’re right not to let him manipulate you like that. Whatever you do, avoid doing good work or complaining to his supervisors about his behavior. If you do that they’re likely to fire him and then where would you be?”

See? It’s a brilliant idea. How could it go wrong? I hope you enjoyed this post, but whatever you do, don’t leave a comment. I would hate that.

18 responses to “Please Don’t Read This!

  1. Where were you on Friday? LOL

  2. simply brillant

  3. I have tried this on my clients in MA. It works….REALLY…..Unless they’re a runner…then its a very BAD idea to say “Oh ya? Go ahead” when they threaten to run…they will.

  4. Hehehhe…let’s see how quickly Phil loses his license *wink* derrrr-N

  5. I have no idea what that was about, cos I did that Magic Eye unfocussing thing. soooo… no idea.

  6. Of cours, this would have to be done without a hint of irony in your voice, and then you could really tap into that huge ‘beaten wives and girlfriends who keep going back for more’ client base. Of course, even a bit more Dr. Phil contemptuous spleen in the voice would help.Great piece.

  7. I’m sorry. Did you write something?(lol, my word verification is ‘jeaze’)

  8. Okay, I didn’t read it and I won’t comment.

  9. Wow. They actually pay you to give people advice? I think I’d ask for a refund.Just kidding. Brilliant reverse psychology Dr. Phil.

  10. Reverse psychology works wonders, particularly with children.Love your post, fun reading.Hope you are having a wonderful week.Take care, Meow

  11. you need to work on my son Phil. do get that licence.

  12. A comment

  13. Blue Violet- My advice to bloggers is free, just ask.Barbara- Thank you!Princess- Even if the clients take advice it’s still their choice and sometimes the lessons life teaches them are better than anything we can say.Nat- Derr.Justine- Thanks for stopping by. Did you see the 3-D image encoded in my blog?Ian- Actually if you add a bit of irony to your voice the clients often see how stupid their planned course of action sounds.

  14. Tai- Thank you for not leaving a comment. Judging from the lukewarm response to this post I can only assume that thousands of readers took me literally.Kim- Good girl!Linny- Yep, believe it or not I get paid just to sit back and tell people how to run their lives. Sometimes it amazes me too.Meow- Thank you and why didn’t you listen? I said no comments! Thank you šŸ˜‰Chloe- Believe it or not, I actually am a therapist who works specifically with children and their families. Especially overly stressed moms.Berly- What did I say?!!? No comments!!!

  15. That sounds like a good career path… at least until you get elected President. Which is much more likely to happen if we can vote for you via text message as we watch you on television chanting for us to vote for the other guy!

  16. Jmai- Brilliant!

  17. Well i think i did pretty well, resisting this comment!I felt i had to comment coz you may think i’m ignoring you! Infact i’m not, but i just didn’t want to give in to your reverse psychology!

  18. Michelle- Too bad! My evil mind games worked on you too!

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