"If I Were Evil…."

“I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man’s being unable to sit still in a room.”–Blaise Pascal

I’m going out on a limb here with this post, possibly revealing things about my innermost thoughts that could be disturbing to younger viewers. Look at the title of this post. How many of you have said that at some point in their lives? How often have you thought of crimes you could get away with, if you were an evil person?

Is it just me, or does everyone “case the joint” when you go into a bank or convenience store? I have no plans to turn to a life of crime, but I always take mental notes about how someone could get away with a robbery. I notice the security cameras and which one is pointing at me. I notice the guards and whether or not they’re armed. I plan to duck low as I exit so that they couldn’t get a good read on my height by that measuring tape on the door jam. I don’t own a gun and I never intend to brandish one towards another person, so why would I even entertain the idea of robbing a place? Could this be a sign of some type of mental disturbance? I’m sure most of you are thinking, “Of course you’re insane Phil. We knew that the first time we read your blog.”

My favorite “If I were evil…” fantasy is how I would go on the run from the law. Perhaps this would occur as it does in the movies with me accused of a crime I didn’t commit and I have to stay free until I can prove my innocence and capture the real culprit. I know how I would change vehicles, where I would hide during the day, staying on the move at night. How I’d cover my tracks in the event the police used dogs to track me. I’ve got it all figured out. Is this a sign of insanity, or just good planning in the event something in my life goes awry? Am I just crazy, or crazy like a fox? You all think like this right? Right?

32 responses to “"If I Were Evil…."

  1. Actually i have never had those “evil” type thoughts. I wouldn’t have a clue where the security cameras are in my bank, or any type of crime i could get away with, maybe i’m nuts LOL

  2. Michelle- It can’t hurt to be prepared for the worst. You need to start planning for your future. Of course I’d never commit a crime in Oz. I wouldn’t want you prosecuting me.

  3. Phil. I do the same thing.I think of all the places I would go that nobody knows I know about. I do the same thing at convenience stores too. I have no intention of stealing anything, but the thought is still in my mind. I wonder if it has something to do with that fact that we are inherantly evil? Perhaps only thanks to the nuture part of the nature/nuture thing, thanks to my parents, that I’m not there holding up the place.Furthermore, not that i would ever kill somebody, but I too have a plan as to what I’d to with the body if it came to that!Good post!

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  5. phil, it must be a guy thing. dane cook (comedian) says one thing guys would like more than sex is to be in a “heist”…pretty funny stuff. i agree there are stupid criminals. i watch COPS all the time and always wonder why if you are trafficing in drugs and have like 10 pounds of coke in your car, you drive the car with no lights in the back or one head light missing and then drive at excessive speeds while having no id on your person and run every stop sign you come acrossed. on another note we have had several bank robberies around here lately so there must be others who think like you.

  6. as d. mentioned him, i MUST sasy i LOVE dane cook (ok, and i think he’s hot too)…phil… i have evil thoughts all the time – and i confess *<>hanging head in shame<>* as a child i did a bit of five finger discounting at the penny candy store….but robbing a bank has never been on my list…however, i WOULD be more than willing to join you on your run from the law and you are not crazy like a fox – you ARE a fox ; }~(g-damn word verification got me)

  7. I have never had those thoughts. I think more along the lines of what I would do if something bad happened while I am there. I tend to find myself in the mode of planning my “escape from danger”. Face it Phil…You are “The Evil Dr. Phil”btw…I was never angry at you, so don’t get all sensitive again just because I said you’re evil.

  8. i bet you own one of those < HREF="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0811845389/sr=1-6/qid=1154717184/ref=sr_1_6/102-8828233-9302527?ie=UTF8&s=books/" REL="nofollow">worst-case scenario survival<> handbooks.

  9. Phil, I think you are innocent of that murder. I’ll bet it was done by a one-armed man. I’ll be lookingout for him. 🙂

  10. I was planning on being an assassin when I was 11.I had business cards and everything.“Don’t get mad, hire an assassin.”You’re not alone Phil…you’re not alone.

  11. looks like my father-inlaw……now thats scary…

  12. I often look at people and wonder how long it would take for their loved ones to notice if they were missing. Do they have loved ones?

  13. hi phil, haven’t been ignoring you or anyone , have not had internet connection for dayzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ..I have been having serious withdrawl.Anyways, I can honestly say I do not have evil thoughts of how to commit a crime or get away with one. I am one of those people that is in a state of constant guilt even over things of which I have no control.I hope to be back at my blog by next week.

  14. In a shocking Confession, i’ll admit that I am sometimes careless with people’s emotions, and hearts, and have been called Evil on several occassions.Actually, once I was called “maddening”…but i’m just so “meh” about everything, that you either love that about me, and enjoy it, or hate that about me, and hate me for it. Whatev.

  15. This post, on some level, helps alleviate my guilt from the time I visited a relative in the psych ward of a hospital after she tried to commit suicide. I pointed out all the things they (the hospital) had overlooked. She and “her new friends” were looking at me with crazy eyes (what else?) So I was “casing the joint” to see how to get around the system. But seriously, I shouldn’t have said anything out loud.

  16. G-Man- Since you’ve got a plan about what to do with the body, I’ll avoid crossing you in the future!SF-LOL! Sounds like a good plan. Can I drive the get away car? You know, before the bottom of Puget Sound part.d.- I don’t think it’s a guy thing. Some of the ladies here seem to have to same desire. Are you calling them butch?Question Girl- Ok, you’re in. You get to ride in the side car of my motorcycle. I plan on escaping in style.

  17. Kim- I’d be disappointed if you didn’t think I was evil. Me, sensitive? Bite your tongue!McKay- No, I don’t own the handbook, and actually wouldn’t have myuch use for it. aside from my criminal fantasies I’m pretty optimistic and never expect anything bad to happen.Gary- Exactly. Just like OJ Simpson, I’ll be out on the golf course and at public appearances looking for the real killer.Tai- That is too funy! Do you still have the business cards? I read a couple books about a killer for hire. They were very quirky, because aside from occasionally killing people, he was a really likeable guy the rest of the time.

  18. Fancy- Face- If that looks like your father-in law, then I hope your kids get their looks from your side of the family!Ego’s Alter- That seems like a slightly disturbing way to think.Quinn- I didn’t think you were ignoring me. We all have lives. I’m not in Blogland as often as I’d like either. I’m looking forward to your return to blogging next week.Princess- You can’t be too evil, you’re only Canadian after all!Geewits- That was you?!!? I used to work in the psych ward and that crazy visitor was so upsetting to all the patients. They still talk about you. Shame.

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  20. I’ve never had the “if I were evil” fantasies; however, I have thought extensively on how I could disappear from my life without anybody being able to find me. Something along the lines of being in the witness protection plan except I wouldn’t need the government to hide me; I could do it myself. I actually knew somebody who was hiding his kids from his wife for years until he decided they were old enough that she couldn’t harm them too badly. He just lived with the Amish and Mennonites. Who would think to look there. Oh wait, wasn’t there a movie about hiding among the Amish? So if you’re hiding as a “good guy” and not an “evil guy” just let me know. I’ll hook you up.

  21. EXCUSE ME? *raised right eyebrow*Relegating me to a SIDE CAR?!?!?! I THINK NOT – expecially since it is MY bike!hang on flip – i only know one speed – and that is super fast!

  22. ….okay….so, not so much that i’m evil…more that i’m just careless with others emotions, and dont give a shit.

  23. If I were evil I would seduce all the lovely unavailable men I have had my eye on. Okay, maybe that isn’t evil, just sort of wicked. But fun…

  24. Demented. You’re demented. LOLMaybe it’s a guy thing. 😉I on the other hand, run scenarios in my head of potential family escape routes in case of fire or home invasion. Ya, I know. I’m paranoid.

  25. You’re not crazy at all. I have pretty absurd thoughts like that all the time…but never act on them either. I often think about how I could steal things and get away with it, etc. Completely normal. We can meet up in prison.

  26. hey atilla, you are not the only one!!I soooo do that also. or worry about handling someone choking or a heart attack. I have kept myself up at night thinking about how to get all out in the event of a fire and then been so convinced that it was going to happen that I didn’t get to sleep until nearly morning. ( is this another adoptee quirk like being a pack rat????)

  27. We all have those…you know that…but to varying degrees. To some it’s a funny way to pass time, while to others it is a fantasy they would fulfill were it not for the consequences. I think we’d all be a bit surprised by other people’s thoughts.-N

  28. This must be a man thing… I’m too busy planning how I am going to meet, fall in love with, marry, and procreate with someone to plan such complex things as robbery and fleeing from the law.

  29. I posted about this last year. I always do crap like that. Ck the exits, guards, number of people in the room and ponder what would happen if I just….(insert bad act here).

  30. I think we all think like that sometimes Phil 🙂 especially after watching a few CSI-styled shows or reading the occasional Patricia Cornwall. We don’t want to do it because we can empathise with the people it would effect or recognise that it’s wrong, but it doesn’t stop us thinking about it like a puzzle. I also sometimes wonder how I’d deal with being on the other end of that kind of thing too. of course, always better that the person who was naieve and trusting.. but then I go and act naieve and trusting *snorting at self*

  31. *grins* hey Lin, just read your post afterwards, are you with me in saying it’s not just crime acts that can pop into your head? not that we’d do them necessarily, but things like “if I ever wanted to shag someone in the office..” 😉

  32. Clueless- I spend sometime everyday reviewing my “if I ever wanted to shag someone in the office” list. Sometimes I go through the company phone list to make sure I haven’t missed anyone. I wonder if I’m on anyone’s list.

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