The Office Gods Part I: Some Like It Hot

What is an Office God you ask? The Office Gods are those people who for a variety of reasons hold certain powers within the politics of an office or workplace setting. The Office Gods aren’t necessarily a boss or supervisor, though they can be. Sometimes it’s the person with the right set of keys, connections, or acquaintances. We all know that often the most important person in an office is one of the clerical or reception staff who knows everything and thanklessly keeps the place running. They are undoubtedly one of The Office Gods, but there are others who have gained their powers by hook or by crook as the saying goes. During this past week I became an Office God. Here is my story.

During the past week my suite of offices moved into a new wing of the building into offices that were specially made just for us. I was given a very nice office, one of the best of course, because I’m Phil. Included in my luxurious office is the thermostat for my side of the hall. And it’s not locked! HA HA HA HA HA (maniacal laughter. What other kind would I have?) For those of you who have never worked in a suite of offices, having control of the thermostat is the office politics equivalent of being God. No matter where I’ve worked, nothing has garnered more complaints from co-workers than the temperature of the office. The problem is that no two people like things exactly the same temperature. “I’d rather it was warm. If I dress in layers I can always take something off.” Or “I like it cold. It keeps me alert in the afternoon. Plus, you can always put on a sweater if it’s too cold.”

I once worked with a psychiatrist who didn’t want to be cold. She went to the trouble to cut up pieces of that flexible, vinyl-like material with the magnetic backing so she could cover the vents in her office to keep the cool air out. Unfortunately she had the thermostat. Since her office was warm due to the blocked vents, the thermostat kept the air conditioning on 24/7 resulting in the rest of the offices on her side of the hall being cold enough to keep meat in. It’s because of this that I once got my tongue stuck frozen to my door knob. Why did I touch my tongue to the door knob? Why not? Who can resist the seductive lure of cold metal against a bare tongue?

So now, I’m one of the Office Gods. How shall I use my new power? Do I charge money or demand favors for a certain temperature setting? Should I just set it where I like it regardless of my co-workers discomfort? Or do I keep my mouth shut and gradually raise or lower the temperature to see what the limits of human endurance are? Do I monkey with the temperature to determine how it affects my co-workers moods? Do I want to be remembered as a kind and benevolent Office God, or do I give in to the lure of evil?

18 responses to “The Office Gods Part I: Some Like It Hot

  1. Keep the temp at a steady 25 degrees C. If anyone complains, tell them that it is the top end of what “Answers dot com” defines as < HREF="" REL="nofollow">room temp<>. Think I’m kidding? Check out the preceding link.

  2. Evil man,but funny as hell! 😉

  3. Eviiil, give in to the dark side and report back on the psychological findings of your mood/tempreture experiment. For extra credit, when you have discovered the near vilence tempreture hide the coffee. mwahahahahahaaha

  4. I recommended taking bribes from people, i.e., cans of that damn Dr. Pepper you’re so fond of!

  5. you’re my, west coast office god, mckay (aka: admin to the VP) p.s. post a sign: bring a sweater or buy a fan.

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  7. nice phil will keep it between 68 & 72….however, i see evil phil pushing the extremes… especially when the office biddies are talking about body issues, bodily functions, and any other topic he deems inappropriate to his earsof course, you also need to think about how attractive these women are – how much skin do you actually WANT to see…….. if you want to see lots of skin, turn it up, if not, down down down

  8. Give in to the lure of evil, I say. There are few enough perks in the workplace. Now that you have the power, Phil, just use it. You might not get it again, and you will rue the fact you didn’t take advantage of it.Ian

  9. I have seen this happen. It’s odd. And sometimes coming into a new workplace you have no clear idea why this person is so revered or special. Office politics suck ass. I wish people could just be honest and fair.-N

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  11. darn, and i thought people were being nice to me cuz they liked me.

  12. You DO have the power. Phil, you get hotter by the minute! Hahaaa- I say mess with them! Damn, I wish I had that kind of power! All I have is a leaky ceiling & a door that you can hear EVERYTHING through. I’m so jealous!!~Fab 🙂

  13. I think I must be an Office God. I am the only person with the key and the combination to the vault room, where all the Important Papers are kept. People have to be very nice to me if they want anything.

  14. *laughing* ooo a man with control of the aircon in the office. In Aus, we of the women who wear quite thin tops in summer to stay cool, that could be very very deadly for high beaming. 😉

  15. Be careful with the power you wield. Before you know it, you’ll be crawling around the office saying “Precious, my precccciousssss…”And by the way, you’ve never read my other blog before. I’ve been a lurker on your site for quite some time and just finally decided to post and join in on the fun!

  16. Ohhhh you have fallen pray to the dark side!! But then again, the dark side can be pretty damn fun 🙂 Enjoy the power while it lasts is what I say. I also think there are “office Gods” in many different settings, even outside the office. Like in social circles and such. too too funny you are 🙂

  17. My votes for evil….But then again, it always will be

  18. There are no kind and benevolent Office Gods. And someone told me recently that 70 degrees is the max temp to kill all the office germs. Dunno how accurate that is.

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