The Guy Code of Conduct: Chapter 6: The Female Pop Quiz

In millions of every day situations men are being tested and graded as if we are still in school. The Female Pop Quiz can consist of one question, several questions, or a situation. The results of these spontaneous daily exams can make or break a young relationship, or just make your life difficult for a day, a week, or even more in a long term relationship or marriage. The trick is, if you pass the quiz you never know it and if you fail it you find out immediately. Sometimes men are smart enough to recognize when these pop quizzes have come up and at other times we are not. It is these time where potential disaster looms. Here for the are some of the most common Female Pop Quizzes and how to answer them correctly.

1. Does this make me look fat? This is the most common and stereotypical of the pop quiz questions and almost all men recognize it, but some still answer incorrectly. An answer of “No baby, that doesn’t make you look fat. I love your curves,” seems well intentioned and some men even accentuate the statement with a playful pat on the behind. This answer is a mistake. The inevitable answer from the woman will be, “What? I have curves?!!? So your saying I’m fat?” A safe answer would be, “Honey, nothing could ever make you look fat. You are the sexiest woman I’ve ever met. If anything that outfit makes you look too thin.”

2. After a woman has cooked a wonderful meal from scratch the male impulse is to just dig in and enjoy. As men we think that the act of eating every scrap and then licking the plate clean is enough of an indication of our love of the food. That gentlemen is absolutely the wrong assumption. This situation is a Female Pop Quiz. If you are not yet married and a woman cooks you a meal, she is essentially testing you to see how you might possibly respond to your evening dinner every night for the rest of your lives. If you want anything long term with this woman you will not just dig and then finish with an appreciative belch. After asking if there is anything you can do to help, such as set the table, the appropriate response is to first comment on how delicious everything looks and smells. Then after your first bite fake a complete mouthgasm as if you had just eaten food blessed by the gods. Even if she just gave you three day old dry toast this is the proper response. A corollary to this rule is that if a woman has cooked not only for you, but for company, you must absolutely be the first person to compliment her cooking in front of everyone.

3. The “Comment on Other Women” pop quiz. This is always a complicated situation that requires some expert verbal maneuvering to extricate yourself from without pain. If your female companion spots another woman on television or when you’re out in public and makes a comment on that woman you are immediately on the hot seat. If your gal knows and dislikes the other woman due to a personal conflict no matter how far in the distant past it is in your best interest to listen attentively to her complaint, and then agree, even if you’ve just realized that your gal pal is completely wrong in the situation. If the situation is on the looks or behavior of a stranger then you have a bit more leeway. If your companion comments upon another woman’s looks or attire be very careful. This is a very dangerous trap. Needless to say though if it’s about large fake boobs, we all hate them right? Practice saying it in front of the mirror with a straight face at least a few times a day until you’ve got it down pat. Now if your girlfriend, fiance’, or wife makes a negative comment about a woman, it may be in your best interest to give a fairly ambiguous answer, or even an “oh, she doesn’t seem that bad,” response. If you come off as too catty yourself, or too prone to degrade another woman, even in a private conversation this will reflect badly on her perception of your respect for women.

Obviously this chapter contains more material, but if I give away all of it the delicate balance of male-female communication may be forever altered. Stay tuned for Chapter 7: What To Say about Mothers.

16 responses to “The Guy Code of Conduct: Chapter 6: The Female Pop Quiz

  1. LOL… such clichés; but really, we’re not all that bad!

  2. As always, very informative. I have to wonder how many times you failed these pop quizes before learning the correct answers.Happy New Year!

  3. I love these posts. They are really really funny! Can’t wait for chapter 7.

  4. <><>mouthgasm<><>OMG – that is too muchof course, now i know when i am being LIED to!!

  5. No news is good news, you know, so you’re not supposed to know when you pass a pop quiz. The exeption to the rule, is when there’s a problem, and we expect you to read our minds to find out what it is.Now, what is so damn difficult about that? lol😛

  6. Can we get the female version of What to Say About Mothers also? I find this is a very delicate subject and I could reaaaaaalllly use some help.

  7. We can’t help it if you always stick your foot in your mouth. ;o)

  8. Jazz- Yes, they are cliches, but there’s reason they became cliches.Berly! Welcome back! we’ve missed you!dzeni- As always, thanks for your compliment.Question Girl- I can’t take credit for the word mouthgasm. I think I read it on Natalia’s blog a long time ago.

  9. Choo Choo- The female expectation that men will read your minds is one of the great mysteries. We’ve never ever done it and yet women keep expecting us to do it.Jmai- You are absolutely right. The simple rule is, never say anything bad about anyone’s mother even if they do.Lindsey- Oh no, none of this is about me. I’m just documenting my observations.

  10. The good thing with me is that I never ask if anything makes me lok fat. I am overweight. Nothing makes me ook fat. I simply am. And I am working on losing weight. And wen I am slimmer, I will be happy to be slimmer and won’t ever ask that questions. I rule all!-N

  11. Well then. Such smart answers. Youve been trained well. LOL!

  12. How about What to Say When His Mother Gets You a Really Cheesy Christmas Gift (even though she got a list of books I wanted)? Do ya have a guideline for that?I swear, I can’t even figure out where she bought this thing so taht I can return it.

  13. as a woman, i totally agree with you. also, note than a woman compares herself to another woman (ex-girlfriend let’s say) and asks “was she better than me?” it is WRONG to say “she was just different”. You must say “better? you are a million light years better than her in every possible way”.

  14. Brilliant answers, you need to publish and distribute in every highschool in America to all boys- IMMEDIATELY! A good way to better the chances of further “interaction” with the ladies… passing the pop quizzesbravo, encore, I look forward to more.

  15. oh Phil you are sooo wrong, there are NO right answers to these questions, only varying degrees of trouble to get into. 😉

  16. Phil, I just figured something out!I was out with the boyfriend for our anniversary dinner last night, and I wasn’t quizzing him at all. I merely commented that a woman at the table behind him had a spectacular rack – she really did – flattering shirt, I don’t think they were fake either. The natural response you point out a great rack to a straight guy is to look. He didn’t try all that hard, and then claimed he couldn’t see without turning all the way around. I thought it was odd, but now I know that he was reading your blog and was afraid to agree that the chick was hot. He wouldn’t have gotten in trouble.

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