Phil-Harmony.com

We’ve all heard and seen the ads for e-harmony.com, the internet site that allows you to meet your perfect match after you fill out a questionnaire that rates you on 29 personality variables. What?!!? I’m a guy. I’m pretty sure I don’t even have 29 personality variables! I have maybe 4 tops. Now for women, I don’t think 29 personality variables is enough. In fact most women seem to have more than 29 complete personalities. The old crackpot that runs this site has got to be making a fortune. His kindly, old, grandfatherly, “I want to help you meet your perfect partner” schtick is sucking people in just the way Ronald Reagan sucked the whole country in until he was voted in twice. Well I want part of that gravy train. I’m younger, smarter, and more in touch with what the young, single internet daters are interested in. First of all, if you’re someone who uses the internet regularly, you don’t have the attention span to answer a long quiz. In fact, I’m sure most of you think I’ve rambled enough already today. Stick with me my lovelorn friends. Secondly, my personality quiz won’t waste time evaluating the unimportant, nit-picky personality characteristics. If you’re paying an internet site to find you a date then you’re already way past being picky about the little things. My quiz will just hit the high points. Even if you’re not looking for love on the web, you can use this quiz when meeting new dates.

1. Are you married?
2. Have you ever seen a Star Wars movie at the theater within one week of it’s release?
3. How many pets do you live with?
4. During sex, have you ever requested something that caused your partner to break up with you and/or call the authorities?
5. Are your parents or grandparents biological siblings?
6. Did you think the movie Fatal Attraction was a comedy?

If the person you are speaking with answers yes or “more than one” to any of these questions then run for your life. If they answer no to all of them then anything else is just minor details you can live with.