Connecticut is for F***ing, but what is Pennsylvania For?

I had a great time at the concert last weekend. The bill also included Life in a Blender (think Talking Heads lite) and Nellie McKay. All three acts featured enough humor in their music to keep me happy. The picture on the left is of course of Jesus H. Christ and the Four Hornsmen of The Apocalypse. It’s the best I could do with my cell phone as flash photography wasn’t allowed. The following day I sent a Facebook message to the lead singer to tell her how much I enjoyed the show and thank her for including me on her invitation list. She messaged back that she had planned to give me a shout out before beginning the song Vanity Surfin‘ (which mentions blogging) but got confused and forgot.
This weekend I’m in another state that may be worse than Connecticut. As soon as you cross the border from N.Y. you are immediately confronted by highway billboards advertising two things that are illegal in NY, but apparently perfectly acceptable here: fireworks and …ahem…Asian massages. For a state so backwoods redneck that a friend of mine refers to it as Pennsyltucky, it seems odd that they are so liberal about happy endings massages. And honestly I didn’t get what those Asian massage billboards were really advertising until a friend clued me in. And in case you’re wondering, if I was going to get one of those massages I wouldn’t be here writing about it. Ok, so in Pennsylvania it’s ok to blow shit up and pay an alleged masseuse for a happy ending, but you can’t go down to a convenience store or gas station and buy a six pack of beer? Yup, that’s right. There is no beer at the convenience stores. I’ve got a fridge in my hotel room, but if I want to buy beer it must be in large quantities. The only way to buy beer for consumption at home it must be in large quantities from a beer warehouse. I’m not opposed to beer warehouses mind you, but I’m pretty sure I won’t be drinking a case of beer over two nights. I’m terrified of what else I might find out is going on in this god forsaken state. Hopefully the villagers don’t discover that I’m magically contacting the ‘interweb‘ right through the air. They’d probably organize a mob with torches (or perhaps Roman candles) and pitchforks and storm my hotel room. If this is my last post ever you’ll know that’s what happened.

14 responses to “Connecticut is for F***ing, but what is Pennsylvania For?

  1. The only town I remember in PA was Eldred when I spent the night in a haunted schoolhouse. (You don't wanna know.)

    Nice concert pic…and come on, tell us what really happens during an Asian massage. I have no idea!

  2. I have no idea what happens during an Asian massage either. Inquiring minds want to know!

  3. Have you come across any Amish people yet? That's all I remember about Pennsylvania from my trips through there. Seeing them riding around in their little buggies and bonnets.

  4. Scarlet and Riot Kitty- You'll have to figure out the Asian massage part for yourself. I don't think there are Asian massages for women.

    LB- I haven't seen any Amish here yet, but I see them all the time when I'm traveling through the rural parts of New York. A couple years ago I wrote a couple posts about the Amish. Maybe I should re-post them just for your amusement.

  5. Unbelievable! Talk about getting mixed messages. Hate to disagree with you Phil but a female colleague of mine used to work in Vietnam and “happy ending” massages were available for woman – lets just say the that the person doing those massages had a “Y” chromosome on board. Said female colleague was horrified when offered a “happy ending” – we did have a good laugh about it though.

  6. I might manage a case full of beer over 2 days.

    Then go for an Asian massage.

    No, maybe not.

  7. Scarlet & RK – I'll tell you. It'll be in an email though. And damn, will you laugh…

    Funny post as usual, Phil. I'm jealous of the concert!!

  8. Dzeni: It's good to know women can get a happy ending too. I'm all for equality. So you're saying there might be a career out there for me?

    LL: After a case of beer are you sure you'd be ready for a happy ending? Or conscious?

    Pheromone Girl: Uh…you'll tell Sacrlet and RK in an e-mail but not me? How about a blog post?

  9. Haha… What?! That's insane! What's wrong with small quantities of beer?

  10. Rachel — me too!

  11. I'll pay you five bucks to go get one of those Asian Massages just so you can report back to us. PRETTY PLEASE?! *batting my eyelashes*

    And when I think “Happy Ending” I think of that book A Dirty Job by Christopher Moore. Brilliance.

    I'm jealous you got to see Jesus H. Christ and the Four Hornsmen of the Apocalypse. In Pensylvania! I always got the eeby-jeebies while driving through Penn. Always hearing that twangy theme song to Deliverance in the back of my mind. ick.

  12. Ahhh..billboards for happy endings…an effort to reduce stress of the taxpayers? LOL. And I certainly hope there is not an Asian massage for women.

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  14. i think it's kinda funny how regional perceptions differ. here in ye olde mydweste, i guarantee no one thinks PA is backwards or redneck or an alternate setting for deliverance. we reserve those stereotypes for appalachia. of course we're a bunch of hicks, so what do we know…?

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