I’m Not a Doctor but I Play One Online….

Former rockstar and current reality t.v. personality(?) Bret Michaels is suing the Tony Awards claiming that the producers did not instruct him how to leave the stage safely after his 2009 performance resulting in him being “smacked” (a complicated legal term meaning ‘hit by’) in the face by a piece of the set, resulting in a broken nose and cut lip.  Six months after his appearance Michaels suffered a subarachnoid brain hemorrhage which the former Poison frontman claims is related to his head trauma at the Tony Awards. 

Yeah Bret, it was bumping your head on a door that caused a hemorrhage.  I’m not a doctor but I play one online and I think there may be a fair chance that 30 years of heroin and alcohol may have had something to do with it. Or maybe you watched your Tony’s performance. I watched it and I’m thinking of suing you because of the traumatic brain injury your horrible performance caused me. Those are 5 minutes of my life I wish I had back. Or perhaps you went a few weeks without any completely useless publicity and your brain just imploded. Michaels lawyer claims that, “Through his sheer will to live, to see his children grow up, he was able to survive this trauma.” Oh my god, he has children? That can’t be good. And yeah, it was his sheer will to live that resulted in his survival, not the team of highly educated physicians at the hospital who save lives every day. When Bret does something right, like continue to live, he takes full credit for it. When he does something stupid, like hit his head he’s all blame and lawyered up. 

Hey Bret, what about 15 years ago when you got all drugged up and ran your Ferrari into a telephone pole and nearly died? Was that the Ferrari companies fault because they didn’t tell you not to do that? What about your mini-stroke last year, or the hole in your heart? Whose fault are those?   Why aren’t your lawyers filing lawsuits against cocaine? I hear Bret has Type I diabetes. I’m sure the lawsuit against sugar will be filed any day now.