Lost in the Supermarket

“I’m all lost in the supermarket

I can no longer shop happily

I came in here for that special offer

A guaranteed personality”

We all have our home supermarket. Where I live there’s a very popular and very prevalent supermarket chain. Often in the course of my job I end up stopping at other supermarkets in the same chain when I need to grab lunch for myself or just to run an errand. Each supermarket is another in the same supermarket chain as my last one. It looks just like my old supermarket with the same big, reassuring sign on the front that tells me I’ll find everything I need within. The employees are dressed the same. The shopping carts look the same. The same shelves of newspapers and free periodicals are available in the entrance. Despite all these comforting signs that say everything will be all right, once I get inside it’s as if I’m Alice in Wonderland and I’ve fallen down the rabbit’s hole. NOTHING IS WHERE IT SHOULD BE!!!!!! It’s like I was blindfolded in my old supermarket, spun around 10 times and then the blindfold was removed. Everything looks almost the same, but I’m completely disoriented. I stumble around as if drunk, bumping into shelves and shoppers that aren’t where I expect them to be. The aisles are all still there, but they have different stuff in them! My shopping takes twice as long because this store is set up ALL WRONG!!!  Based on my disorientation alone it might be worth it for me to drive the extra 10 minutes to my old supermarket where I can find everything twice as fast. This is another thing I will change when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first. All supermarkets of the same chain must be set up exactly the same.

As if supermarkets being different weren’t a big enough problem, they all seem to be populated by shoppers who are mentally deficient. For everyone out there, please note that you should drive your shopping cart the way you drive your car. In the U.S.A., please stay to the right as you move forward. (Read the next two lines with an unbelievably sarcastic tone and a bit of a shout please) If everyone goes the same way two carts wide no one can go the other direction! And if someone comes from the other direction, don’t just stand there stupidly looking at each other waiting for one of you to back up 3 feet!  Another type of shopper I hate is “the contemplative shopper“. These brain boxes pull up in front of a section of items and then stand there pondering what must be a life changing choice based on the amount of time it takes them. They become human cholesterol blocking the vital artery of carts attempting to flow.  As bad as the contemplative shopper is the people who still write paper checks at the checkout. As the cashier announces the total they are suddenly surprised that they have to pay. It is at this moment that they finally take out their checkbook and begin to fill out a check and then meticulously log it in their check register. At this point it’s also a good thing that guns are not sold as “impulse items” on the rack at the checkout. If I was to ever have the impulse to shoot someone that would be the time. I also believe it would be justifiable in a court of law. 

As an aside, if you can get the musical reference I used in the intro without looking it up, you win 5000 Phil Points which can be redeemed at the gift shop for a t-shirt and you also become my new best friend.