Help Wanted: Music Conductor

Help Wanted: Music Conductor Why don’t I ever see that title in my CareerBuilder e-mails?  That’s a job I would apply for. I was at my son’s college guitar ensemble recital the other night and there was an actual conductor. A stick holding, arm waving, page turning conductor. That is a job I think I could really throw myself into.

I don’t have any relevant experience, but really, do you need any relevant experience? Maybe I spoke too soon. Actually, on second thought, I think do I have relevant experience! Let’s see….what is the job description? 1) Wearing a tuxedo. Check. In fact, I was so advanced I did that part of the job in high school at a couple proms and looked damn good doing it. I still believe that it’s one of my better skills. I wonder if music conductors actually show up for the job interview in a tux…God I hope so.  2) Wave my arms in time to music. Check. See high school/prom. Thank God the conductor doesn’t have to move his feet in time to music. I’m still working on that skill. See high school/prom, and every wedding reception I’ve attended since then. And yes, since the link to this will post on Facebook, I believe I will have countless witnesses to act as references on this part. 3) Turn pages. Hmmm….I was a little delayed in developing that skill since I didn’t crack open a book in high school, but in college I mastered page turning moderately well. 4) Be ignored by peers while doing all of the above.  Check, see high school/prom. 

I actually believe that the 4th qualification is the most crucial. Have you ever really watched an orchestra and their conductor at the same time? The conductor is waving his arms furiously, gesturing, turning pages of music, rising and falling as if he is controlling the tempo. Then you look at the musicians and not a single one of them is looking up at him or her for the cue. Of course not! They’re professional musicians who have been playing their instrument their entire lives. They can play a freakin’ song on their own without some penguin suit nimrod waving a chop stick at them! (And yes, after reading this, at least one of you will be at some recital in the near future and will remember the phrase “penguin suit nimrod” and you’ll chuckle to yourself. You’re welcome.) No one actually needs the conductor! He or she is like the mascot at a sporting event. They act like they’re part of the action, but really they’re just an unskilled buffoon in a suit jumping around. If a conductor was actually any good, wouldn’t they be playing the music instead of waving their arms at it like a tinfoil hat loon barking at the cosmos? 

So yes, I am currently updating my CareerBuilder profile to include Music Conductor in the search engine. And while I am at it, I’m going to add conductor of all types. Really? Do we need a guy driving a train? They’re on rails. No one needs to drive! And Thomas is talking, thinking train, he definitely has no need for a smart ass conductor. But if the job is open, I call dibs! I’ll see you at the interview in my tux.