With the next Presidential election less than two years away and the next People magazine Sexiest Man Alive coronation mere months away, I hereby announce my candidacy for both with my current list of The Phil Laws which I will unilaterally impose upon my election to either post.
1. No more Leap Year extra day. Make all months exactly the same length.
2. No more Daylight Savings Time.
3. The elderly will only be allowed to drive motor vehicles or use supermarkets during certain hours of the day.
4. It should be perfectly legal to fire off a warning shot at any driver who slows his or her vehicle to gawk at an accident.
5. You may not use rhetorical questions in a public setting unless you have been tested and deemed competent to do so. If you use or respond to a rhetorical question improperly any willing observer has the right to punch you in the forehead.
6. The pope should wear a baseball hat backwards instead of that giant dunce cap he always has on.
7. A 1-year ban on Lindsay Lohan “news.”
8. You cannot use a cell phone if you are in your own office building. Walk down the freakin’ hall and pick up your desk phone you moron.
9. It will be perfectly legal to punch a cell phone user in the mouth if they annoy you by walking around gesturing wildly and talking aloud to no one while wearing a cell headset.
10. Pregnant women should not tell their male co-workers how dilated they are.
11. Supreme Court Justices will wear jeans, sneakers, and t-shirts. No more robes. That’s just stupid. The dress code is the reason I’ve never become a Supreme Court Justice.
12. Congress will no longer be able to waste their time and our taxpayer dollars investigating cheating in sports or making laws about what men can and can’t do in an effort to meet women.
13. Hurricane names must be something scary, not just a normal name. Who’s going to flee something like Hurricane Ed? I believe that far less people would have perished if Hurricane Katrina had been named Hurricane Deathtron. You flee a storm named Deathtron. No one was scared by Katrina.
14. Anything you can play while sitting at a table or drinking alcohol is not a sport. (poker, bowling, golf) Also, if the winner is subjectively chosen by a panel of judges, it is not a sport. All the aforementioned activities have no place on television.
15. The only place you can be nude in your local gym locker room is in the shower. The rest of the time, wear a towel.
16. Funerals should include drinking and entertainment.
17. Schools need to request parental permission before exposing your child to a mime.
18. No putting bible verses on Halloween candy.
19. A ten-year ban on reality shows.
20. All public bathroom stalls will be as big as the handicapped stalls
21. No saying “See you next year” on Dec. 31st.
22. No more writing paper checks. Get yourself a debit card and stop holding up the lines at the supermarket.
23. The word ‘whatnot’ shall be struck from the English language.
24. Future Presidential elections will be done American Idol style.
There it is. If you read it all then you definitely qualify as my new best friend and possible future Vice-President.