I know Valentine’s Day is months away, but it’s never too early to start advertising and decorating for the next holiday is it? When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first I intend to pass a law that limits how early advertising and holiday decorating can be done. Each year the holiday toy commercials and in store decorations force themselves into our lives earlier and earlier. There is absolutely no reason for advertisers and stores to begin Christmas preparations before Labor Day.

I love Halloween as much as the next guy, but I don’t want to start thinking about it in July the way my local supermarket seems to. The local Halloween costume store is already open! And yes, Christmas is a big holiday for those that celebrate it, but there is absolutely no reason Christmas should be able to steamroll over virtually every other holiday that occurs in the previous four months. Those other holidays all have merit and earned their way onto the calendar, so let’s not forget them. My new holiday Phil Law will simply state, “There can be no advertising or in store decorating for a holiday until the holiday immediately preceding it has concluded.” This way all the advertisers will have August to sell us our end of summer products such as rakes, leaf bags, sweaters, and beer and nachos to celebrate the beginning of the American football season.

Then, as soon as Labor Day is over they are allowed to focus on Columbus Day. That’s right, it’s always important to celebrate the explorer who was the third guy to find North America but took credit for being first. The dimwit was heading for India and ran into a landmass about 6000 miles long from top to bottom. That was some shrewd sailing. The only way he could have missed hitting it was if he tied Leonardo DeCaprio to the front of his ship and found the nearest iceberg. He didn’t even find a way around it! His trip was a total failure when you look at the goal he had when he set out.  Yup, he definitely deserves a holiday. Then, only after Columbus Day can stores put Halloween costumes on their shelves. It’s never too early to start worshipping Satan.

Of course after we’re done with our evil, pagan holiday can we move onto to planning for the holiday that celebrates what we really worship, eating. Honestly, Thanksgiving is a holiday all about eating a giant meal. Who really, sincerely thinks about what they’re thankful for on that day? I mean besides the thought, “I’m thankful I got one of the turkey legs this year.”  If I’m going to have a holiday centered on a really good meal, I am not going to eat turkey and stuffing. If turkey and stuffing are such a treat then why the hell don’t we eat them the rest of the year? Why aren’t there restaurant chains serving them year round? If there’s going to be a holiday that’s centered on a big meal, why not pizza and wings? When I’m President or Sexiest Man alive, whichever comes first, I am definitely declaring a pizza and wings holiday. Phil Day I think we’ll call it.

Then finally at midnight on Thanksgiving should we be able to begin the Christmas season. It could be a national event. All the family and friends who get together for the Thanksgiving meal could stay up like on New Years Eve and at midnight cable channels can begin airing “It’s A Wonderful Life.” Every house in the neighborhood could turn on their Christmas lights at midnight. The first t.v. ads for Fondle Me Elmo could air during that first “Wonderful Life” commercial break. Stores could open at midnight with special sales. Carson Daly could host a “Ringing In The Holidays” t.v. special that airs live, showing cities across the world lighting their city Christmas tree and shooting off fireworks.  That’s how to have a holiday season. With advertising and store displays started in August, Christmas has become almost tiresome by the time it arrives. The day itself is an anti-climax after the four month build-up. With my plan each holiday will get it’s due and Christmas will still have the fanfare it deserves. Yes, I realize how ethnocentric this post is in regards to the penultimate Christian holiday, but that is just another example of how it dominates our culture at the expense of other holidays and religions. Don’t worry, I’m working on my post about how Ramadan is way too commercialized as well. And don’t even get me started on Yom Kippur.

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4 responses to “HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

  1. Welcome back 🙂

    And yes, sometimes I want to tie Leonardo DiCaprio to the front of a ship and ram it into an iceberg.

  2. Funny! Except the part about Christopher Columbus…don't knock an Italian.

  3. I'm surprised that you haven't realized by now that this country revels in total failure. Have you not heard of Jersey Shore?

  4. You, Sir, are a genius. I especially love your idea about beginning the Christmas season at midnight after Thanksgiving. That's exactly how it should be.

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