Walmart Camouflage

I’m not a hunter or a soldier and I don’t own any camouflage clothing. Apparently if I want to go to Walmart I’m going to need some camouflage.

walmart

I enjoy getting a good bargain as much as anyone and there are very few places better than Walmart to get more for less. My concern however is that the elderly “greeters” may not let me in Walmart unless I’m wearing camouflage. That seems to be the dress code.

By the way, when did they slip that “u” in camouflage? It looks like you should be pronouncing it “cam oo flage”, all fancy schmantzy and whatnot. That seems like something the English would do. Do people even wear camouflage in England? Is their camouflage the same as ours or do they dress as tea and crumpets? Of course the English have their famous fox hunts where they ride horses and follow a bunch of dogs. When they do that they’re all camouflaged as Englishmen, which scares absolutely no one. Anywho, back to Walmart.

What I’ve learned is that there’s two things you can’t be if you want to fit in at Walmart. A) You can’t be “fancy schmantzy,” and 2) You have to be wearing “camo.”That’s right. If you go to Walmart you are no longer wearing camouflage. It’s just camo. Also be thankful for the picture above that I included. When I Googled “People of Walmart camo” many, many worse pictures showed up. If you want to see the results click this Google.

I went to Walmart yesterday and I felt completely out of place because of my lack of camouflage clothing. There were entire families, man woman and child wearing camo outfits. There were babies in camo. Some of them drove camouflage cars to the store. Not the babies, their parents. Then in the store there were camouflage clothes for sale and displays of Duck Dynasty, which is not about royal ducks but is about people wearing camouflage.

I am so sick of camouflage. And really, in Walmart do you need to wear it? I know people are “hunting” for bargains, but it’s not like you have to hide amongst  trees to jump out and snag that awesome wolf t-shirt you’ve had your eye on.

gaze

There are no trees to blend in with at Walmart. Why do so many people wear camouflage? If you want to be in camouflage at Walmart you should dress as shelves of cheap, low quality crap. When I went into the store yesterday dressed in “regular” non-camo clothing I was afraid some camouflaged nut would jump out of a rack of Duck Dynasty stuff and shoot me.

I do have to admit that when I was in college I owned two items of camouflage clothing. I had a pair of real army camo pants that were super comfortable and I had a pair of camouflage Converse high tops which I thought were cool as hell. I swear I never wore them together. Now that I’ve admitted that feel free to have at me in the comments.

camo

As the weather turns to Spring it is also wedding season. Today I’m going to a wedding and I guarantee that there will be at least one person who shows up in camouflage. There always is. There is however one thing that is more tacky than camouflage at a wedding: my dancing. I can’t wait until the reception so I can bust a move and show off my version of the white man wedding dance. Yes, my dance moves are about as dated as the phrase “bust a move.” Hopefully the guy in camo won’t shoot me because my dancing makes me danger to myself or others. Also hopefully there won’t be pictures.

As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog button below. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

 

 

 

 

 

9 responses to “Walmart Camouflage

  1. This one was really funny. “Is their camouflage the same as ours or do they dress as tea and crumpets?” Well done. I think that as a sequel to this you should write something on wearing red at Target. Have fun at the wedding. Boogie down white guy!

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    • It’s funny you mentioned dressing in red at Target. I wear a shirt and tie for work and occasionally I’ll stop in a store in a popular supermarket chain and people always mistake me for a manager and ask me questions.

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  2. Ha, ha, ha…That would be great Phil. Actually I just wanted to let you know that I wrote a poem last night about the target thing. It’s pretty funny, not sure when I’m gonna blog it yet. Also, your book review is almost done. I’ll probably publish it some time this week.

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    • That’s awesome. I’m looking forward to the Target poem and the book review. I’ve now adjusted my settings so that I get an email whenever you post. Let the cyber stalking begin! (Just kidding. I’m not crazy. )

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  3. Hey, I love camo! I had this big camo pants when I was in high school and everybody thought I was a military’s daughter so they always made way each time I passed by. ;D

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  4. I think that is true in the haute stores too… god save you if you aren’t doled up in latest…..the looks those sales chicks give you can freeze liquid nitrogen

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  5. I will never think of wearing cami again! Yikes…! 😉

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