If We Were Having Coffee…I’d Probably Want to Punch You

On Saturdays many people post a “If we were having coffee…'” post as if they’re telling you what they would tell you if  you had coffee with them. This is my “If we were having a beer…” sarcastic version of that after a really annoying week.


The Dress: Seriously? Why did the whole world spend all of Thursday staring at a picture of this dress on the internet? Is it blue and black or gold and white? Who cares?!!? Idiots! I’m doing internet research to find out what company makes this dress and I’m investing all my savings in them. Do horizontal stripes make my hips look big?

Audible books: I read a blog this week where someone went on and on about their audible reading. Guess what? It’s not reading! It’s listening! I don’t care if you listen to books on CD or the internet. It’s a great way to hear a story or learn something, but…You. Are. NOT. Reading. I listen to music on the radio, but it doesn’t mean that I’m singing. Reading is reading and listening is listening.

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The Sleep Number Bed: The ads are everywhere. Maybe even in the middle of the audiobook you’re ‘reading‘. “What’s you’re sleep number?” You know what my sleep number is? My sleep number is that I close my fecking eyes and go to sleep! It’s not rocket science. Why do I need a sleep number? If I have to do math just to get into bed, I’m pretty damn sure I’m not going to sleep right away. How long before “what’s your sleep number?”  becomes a cheesy pick up line? If I had a reason to pick anyone up I’d already be using it.

My lazy neighbors and lazy postman: It’s been snowing like crazy where I live for the last six weeks. My mailbox is on a post with three other mailboxes. Between the town snow plows and my neighbor with the snow blower, our mailboxes have almost been completely buried to the point that the post office refused to deliver mail for three days… until I shoveled the mailboxes out. Why am I annoyed by this? First off all the post office’s motto includes the words “neither snow nor nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.” Apparently that’s a big lie.  Secondly, I don’t have a working snowblower nor an intact rotator cuff in my left shoulder, yet I had to shovel out the mailboxes. How freaking long were my neighbors just going to not worry about getting mail? Lazy jerks. Abe across the street, you’re forgiven because I know your rotator cuff is torn too.

Speaking of Snow…Hey Boston, shut up. It’s snowing everywhere else in the northeast too. We’re just not whining about it on the news every day. That picture below is what the rest of us do when it snows. Get over yourselves.


The “Reply All” People: This is a public service announcement: Do not hit ‘reply all’ unless you have been specifically requested to do so. The rest of  us hate that. If you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor, however, now is the time to show off your “Reply All” skills by clicking the Facebook, Twitter, or reblog buttons below. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

39 responses to “If We Were Having Coffee…I’d Probably Want to Punch You

  1. So, not teeth brushing then? But a healthy mix of angst here. The dress was white and gold, listening to books is cheating, my sleep number is always in the a.m. hours then crash, sue the postal service, no snow here but plenty of rain and I don’t know what reply all is. But I’ll tweet you anyway. 🙂

  2. oh my goodness. HA-larious! About that rotator cuff of yours…are you by chance a professional basketball player? Lol. 😉

  3. P.S. I never read the ‘If we were having coffee’ posts. I don’t know why but they bug me a bit. Maybe I need the ‘If we were having a hauf’ version but it would be censored so no point. :/

  4. I must be the only person who sees blue and gold…I think I have issues.

    I agree with the ever lovely scottishmomus… Sue the postal service.

    And send me some snow too!

    Great post Phil!

  5. I was shocked that the WORLD gave a crap about the dress. Glad someone else thought it stupid. Great post,

  6. I thought that it was a photo of Conchita Wurst, will you be upset if I say I’m a little disappointed. 😉

  7. Yes! On all points but especially that asinine dress. I always enjoy a good Saturday morning rant from Phil. Back to my coffee now.

  8. Blue, white, gold, who gives a hoot! Just proves how much time people waste on nothings. LOL By the way, it’s gold and white 😉 Great as always, Phil! Have a wonderful weekend!

  9. The dress, the sleep number all that craps
    I have to say who needs it
    But the blog on the audible book?
    Why then did you read it?

  10. The Dress was in both colors, and I think the stripes should be vertical because, yes, horizontal ones make hips look bigger. Sleep? What’s that? I ran out of sheep and can’t handle numbers.

  11. I had to check whose blog I was reading, Bitter Phil. Very good, and very funny; laughed a load at the two snow bunnies (and your crack about ’em).

    I hope your venting generated some much-needed heat. Maybe you can get a het-up again when that mailbox next needs clearing, and just radiate the snow away with your awesome ire.

  12. I’m not sure what the sleep number is, but here in the UK we have commercials of people telling us they like a number one, two, three, four or five, while laying on a bed in a bed showroom. Numbers three, four and five I can cope with, but not when they me they like a number one or two in bed.

  13. Nice pissed off post Phil, did get fun at the dress this week, so funny to see my printer colleague actually crap himself thinking he required an eye test, wondering if the customers were getting the colour of print they specified.
    Also sympathize with your snow plough issue, have to dig out our lane everytime. Have a nice weekend!

  14. The “Reply All” is a huge irritant. I hate it when people reply to everyone on the email. I don’t want 20 out of 50 people on the email responding with “That’s great!” and clogging up my inbox.

    • Exactly! I work for a company with about 300 people. Any time anyone joins the company or gets a promotion it’s announced by email and about 50 people will hit reply all, triggering an email avalanche that I have wade through all day long. It drives me crazy.

  15. A Saturday morning rant is a great idea. If I can hold it that long! lol! ~Elle

  16. Agree on all points. The snow? … don’t get me started.

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