Have I got another riddle for you? My riddle is, why in the world would anyone go fake tanning? Not once have I ever woken up and thought to myself, “Hmmm…what to do today? I wonder how I’d look if my skin were orange? While I’m at it, I wish there was a way I could cause my skin to age faster so that my face will look like an old baseball glove by the time I’m 40. If only there was an activity that could meet those two needs!” There’s a tanning “studio” right next to my gym. Big surprise eh? You can just imagine what the people look like who frequent both places. They look like Oompa Loompa’s on steroids. Even if I wanted to go fake tanning there is no way I could do it. Being a fair skinned lad of Irish descent I imagine that if I laid down in a tanning bed and flipped the “on” switch there would just be a bright flash of flame (fwoosh!) and then there would be nothing left of me but a pile of ashes and a pair of those goofy tanning goggles laying in the bed. To anyone who does go fake tanning, I’ve got a secret to tell you. We all know it’s a fake tan. If I wanted to look at a big, orange head I’d carve a pumpkin.
Self-proclaimed grand poobah of leisure and author of humorous suspense novels The Sneaker Tree & White Picket Prisons, the humor essay book Fifty Shades of Phil and the long running blog The Phil Factor. thephilfactor.com
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