Guns Don’t Kill People, Phil Does

Here are the Top Ten Reasons Why Phil Does Not Own A Gun:

1. I would kill people.

Ok, I guess there’s only one reason. It seems to be a pretty good reason. I’m not a legal expert, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night. While I was there watching CSI and Law and Order a recurring theme seemed to be that killing people was illegal. That’s unfortunate. No, don’t worry, I’m not fantasizing about going on a crime spree of any kind. I just think that if I had a gun there are times that the stupidity of some people in average, ordinary situations would cause me to snap and fire off a few rounds. In your heart of hearts, don’t you all feel the same sometimes? Aren’t there at least some behaviors by others that, while they aren’t illegal, they are annoying enough that a death penalty should be imposed immediately to prevent it from happening again? Here are some of the everyday situations that I believe could be punishable by death:

1. Writing out a paper check to pay for your purchases in the “7 items and under” line. I considered advocating for the death penalty just for writing paper checks alone, but I was feeling generous today. There should be a special line for paper check writers, or maybe just certain hours of the day that these dopes can go to stores, like when the old people are there.

2. Speaking of yourself in the 3rd person. Phil thinks this is very pretentious and Phil hates it when celebrities and athletes speak of themselves in the 3rd person during interviews.

3. Driving below the speed limit. Unless I see you slumped over your steering wheel unconscious, I expect everyone to maintain the posted speed limit or else I would feel justified in at least firing a warning shot. I often fantasize that my car could have a giant laser mounted on the hood so I could just vaporize anyone who might impede my progress unnecessarily. (Just so you know, if I did see someone slumped over their steering wheel unconscious, I would pull up next to their car, roll down my window, lean out of my car while steering it with my feet, and open their door to give them CPR while both cars were speeding down the freeway.)

I could go on and on. My blog is evidence of that, but I must go. I apologize for having been so inactive on my blog lately. I’ve been very busy preparing to move. Remember back in October when I talked about selling my house? Well, I’m finally moving this weekend. The fiasco that became my sale could have filled daily blog posts for the past 6 weeks, but it was not amusing to me at all. That being said, I probably won’t be able to post again until Tuesday night. I hope you’re all still here when I get back.

14 responses to “Guns Don’t Kill People, Phil Does

  1. Yes yes and yes…Natalia agrees 🙂-N

  2. HA! Glad you don’t have one then.Moving, yes, we remember… hope it goes well. Don’t forget to lift with the knees…🙂 and congratulations on finally going to your new house.

  3. I don’t think we’re going anywhere.Best of luck with the move 🙂

  4. OMG!! that was just too damn funny!! Glad you sold your house and happy moving!!! I will be here when you get back!!!! Tawnya

  5. i am staying right here and looking forward to more phil factor

  6. I have often said “Is it sill illegal to kill people??” People drive me crazy!

  7. I’n not ” moving” from couldn’t resist.Moving = A headache and Stress..Goodluck Phil I hope the transition will be an easy one.

  8. I have seven guns and so far, so good. I’ve only shot paper targets and tin beer cans filled with pebbles. BUT I know what you mean and agree…I would have been tempted to use my gun tonight if I had it. The offender: this ditzy chick who left her car door open at the gas station while pumping her gas and forced me to listen to her LOUD ANNOYING BEEPING “you left your key in the ignition and your door is open” sound. Layla closes her door so as not to annoy those around her.I was hoping you’d pick a new template…it’s easy, you won’t lose anything, I promise. I feel like I am the one that said something to scare you out of doing it. It would be nice to have a new look for the new year 🙂

  9. You missed a great oppurtunity, Phil. Readers love to commiserate and offer support when crap is going down in a poster’s life (re: your house selling).I also will never own a gun for the same reasons. Except the check thing. What happened was, I stayed in the bar too long and spent nearly all my cash and had to write that check for my beer and head of lettuce.I’m going to San Diego tomorrow and won’t be back til Tuesday night so at least I won’t have too much to catch up on here.Good luck with your move!

  10. Good luck with the move. Hope the removalists don’t lose your furniture !!!! (Seen that happen in too many movies !!)Take care.

  11. so, did your blog get flagged or anything over the weekend?🙂

  12. Whatever happened to the resolution about posting more…huh? huh?-N

  13. i came across your blog, loved this one. i live in very rural kentucky, walmart is the gathering place for the whole town. i went into the store for 1 item on 1/3/06. naturally i went to the 10 items or less express lane, there was only 1 man in front of me. not only did he pay with a paper check for something that looked like somekind of pipe fitting, the register did not recognize him and he had to get out his drivers license, he pulled out every card in his wallet, every scrap of paper, enough money to pay for the item and then proceeded to empty his pockets on the belt because he could not find it. the cashier sensing my frustration on the border of rage used his ss card. then he proceeded to stand there and put all of his stuff away in his wallet.

  14. Geez, this is funny… I don’t own a gun either for the same reason. I agree completely with what ya said especially the speed limit.. please don’t drive 55mph on my 75 mph highway… if you do, stay to the right & do not try to pass the big trucks!! I can feel my blood pressure rising I got to go. Deep breaths, deep breaths

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