Little City, Big Dreams

These little town blues, are melting away
I’m gonna make a brand new start of it – in old New York
And if i can make it there, i’m gonna make it anywhere
It’s up to you – New York, New York
Frank Sinatra

I live in New York, but I don’t live in New York City. I realize that for many of you it’s news that New York City isn’t the entirety of New York. For those of you not familiar with our geography, New York is a fairly big state with several other medium sized cities. . Perhaps it’s because of New York City that the other cities in the state have an inferiority complex. My city wants to be big and wants to have big, important things happen here. We grasp desperately to any straw of fame that one of our natives achieves. Nowhere is this inferiority complex more evident than on the local news.

Male Local News Anchor: Good evening. I’m Dirk Hairpiece and this is Eyewitness News!
Female Local News Anchor: And I’m Buffy Sleptmywayhere. What are tonight’s top stories Dirk?
Dirk: In New York City today a subway train went off the tracks and careened wildly down Wall St. before coming to rest on top of the Statue of Liberty. 147 people were killed. Let’s go to field reporter Skippy Trenchcoat for a live interview. Skippy?
Skippy: I’m here in town, about a block away from the studio in the home of Dolores Hairnet who says that her cousin’s friend’s brother’s high school classmate once rode the very same subway train responsible for today’s tragedy. Dolores, can you tell us about your experience?
Dolores: Well, Eddie, that’s my cousin’s friend’s brother’s high school classmate, said it was like a train, but it goes underground in them there tunnel things.
Skippy: Did Eddie notice anything suspicious about the train?
Dolores: He said it smelled funny. Kinda like how your garbage can smells on a hot summer day when you left meat in it and the maggots start to grow.
Skippy: Well there you have it Dirk and Buffy. The train ride stunk from the beginning.
Dirk in studio: Thank you Skippy. Speaking of something that stinks, let’s go to weather girl Sunny Implants broadcasting live from the elephant cage at the zoo.

15 responses to “Little City, Big Dreams

  1. OMG! That is SOOOOO my town in VA. NOT quite DC- but dammit they’re gonna find some OBSCURE, RANDOM and PURELY RIDICULOUS local connection to ANYTHING they can, if it kills ’em, (or their careers). After all, THAT’S what hard hitting journalism is all about, Phil! ~wink~– Fab : )

  2. every small towns dream, no matter the state, Sunny Implants eh? Well mine are real 😉 lolgood post, a tad bit chauvenistic, but hey…that’s your style 😛

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  4. Ok you’ve lost me, must be an American thing!

  5. Officially- I guess being close to DC all your smaller cities have the same complex.Sunny- I never mean to be chauvanistic except perhaps in a tongue in cheek way. I was just trying to exaggerate stereotypes for comedic effect. By all means, let me know if I am offensive and I will apologize, or at least make fun of you.Comment Deleted- Ok, who did that? And what were you going to say?Michelle- You Aussies are so weird. You need to work on being more like Americans.

  6. Oh dear. You nailed it!We get the news out of Colorado’s second biggest city–and every broadcast is amateur hour.A month or so ago, one station shit-canned the entire broadcasting staff from the anchors on down.The worst part is that they have to find a “Colorado Connection” for absolutely everything!“The birdshot that the Vice President blasted into Harry Whittington’s face was manufactured by Gold Dot. The founder of that company, Horatius Gold, slept at the Broadmoor once in 1928. And that’s our Colorado Connection!”Gak.

  7. Sunny Implants!hahahaThat’s the best.

  8. He He — that dialogue was hilarious!

  9. ….I love Rochester. I have been there many times for a weekend, and one time when we were driving to Cedar Point, but my guide misdirected us. *that was a horrible story*….Rochesters pretty good…once when we went there, we drove past a round house. It was the highlight of my day!

  10. OMG, too funny.Our local news talked about a peacock being loose on the highway. It was one of the headlines. I live in the boonies, the animals are all they have to talk about.Nice names for the anchors…Buffy Sleptmy way here….LMAO!

  11. Perhaps we talk/write about peacocks and grasp at any possible local connection to a true news story because we are well and fully aware that 95% of our readers/listeners would be unwilling – and in most cases truly incapable – of grasping anything more concise, in-depth, or concrete, especially if it does not include boobs, beer or a the latest scandal.

  12. Attila- The birdshot story is great. That is very typical of local news.Berly- I kind of liked Skippy Trenchcoat myself.Sexy- Thank you.Princess-Sheesh! Thanks for stopping by when you were in town. Next time I’m in Canada I’m driving right by your place without even a wave.Nurse- Hey, you can’t go wrong with animals. Everybody loves them.Jessica- Thanks for weighing in. My sincerest apologies to you and all media members. I like to think that all the readers of this blog are in the top 5% that would appreciate the real news. Hey, they read me, they must be smart!

  13. Hi Phil RE: to the commute and to blog or not to Blog NO , It is not Alberta somewhere “Godawful” like that …..farther east in Atlantic Canada , now that is a commute ! I’ll be on the highway waiting Monday morning!LOL Love the post as always 🙂 you be safe in that Big city or any other part of the STATE. Greeneyes

  14. wow…my mom and I thought it was a Texas thing to make every news story about Texas/the Texas connection etc. I guess it’s just a local news thing.

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