An Unusual and Shocking Fact About Phil

For most people static electricity is annoying. You reach to turn on the television and get a little shock. You walk around your home in socks and accidentally shock the next person you touch. For me it’s more than that. For some reason that I don’t understand, my body conducts electricity extremely well. It may have to do with the fact that I’ve sustained two serious electrical shocks in my life. Shocks that had the potential to kill me. Or perhaps I survived those shocks because of my innate ability to conduct electricity. I don’t know. I seem to pick up electricity from just about anything. I’ve become conditioned to closing my car door with my elbow. At night if I reach for my car I can literally see a spark jump from my finger to the door before I even touch it. I can walk up to my television, run my hand over the screen, absorbing the static there, and then discharge it on the victim of my choice. My poor dog does not find this as funny as I do. I considered using this ability to become a crime fighting super-hero,(Static Man would have been my name), but I didn’t want to wear tights and work nights. It’s not that I don’t have the body to pull off the tights look, you know I do. I thought the whole secret identity thing would have been too much trouble too. I mean really, who wants to work a day job as a peon and then spend your nights traveling the rooftops of your city grappling with the forces of evil? There’s no money in that.

To all my regular readers, I’m sorry that this isn’t as entertaining as my usual stuff. I’m just not in the mood this week.

16 responses to “An Unusual and Shocking Fact About Phil

  1. Well Phil, you could just quit your day job and become “Static Man with Pen in Hand”. You could fight crime all day and blog about it all night. I am sure we would find it quite enjoyable to read about the evil forces and stalkers that you run out of town!!! Just make sure that you don’t bannish any of them to Texas. Thanks!

  2. I think seeing you in tights would have been much fun. 😉

  3. If you’re Static Man, then I’m Static Woman. Just by the hair standing on my head, you can tell I am an electricity magnet.

  4. I’m with Berly…get those tights on!-N

  5. You mean ‘grappling with the forces of static’ don’t you?I’m sure there’s some one out there with socks sticking to their sheets that might need your help.C’mon Phil, give a go!

  6. You know, I have the opposite problem, Everything always shocks me.

  7. Aaawww, Phil … c’mon, show us your tights !!!Have an electrical day, take care, Meow

  8. Phil, even your “okay” posts are good. But I do see the frustration. I hope your not letting that @-hole stalker ruin your mood. So you got electrocuted almost to death twice??? What in the world happened? Glad you lived to tell about it.

  9. Kim- If someone would start paying me to write this regularly I would quit my day job and fight crime at night.Cinthia- I’m resisting the urge to make a lewd comment about the possibilities of what would happen if Static Man came in contact with Static Woman. Let’s just say the phrase “lightning rod” would be involved.Tai- I’d like to think I might be more useful than a dryer sheet.Princess- You’d be my perfect victim. My dog would appreciate the break.For everyone else who asked to see me in a pair of tights: I’ll see what I can do for you. Stay tuned…

  10. Barbara- The stories of my getting electrocuted aren’t exciting enough for a blog post, but they were painful. One left the end of one thumb numb for about 3 years after.

  11. You should donate your body to science. Not when you die, though. They should be studying you NOW.

  12. sorry phil it is a good idea but sadly enough < HREF="" REL="nofollow">already taken<>

  13. Ask anyone who knows me, I am THE static discharger of all time. I always have to hold onto my door to get out of the car. I imagine people think I’m drunk. Those metal handles on convenience store doors? I thump them with my fingernail. Still a shock but not as painful. In the winter here, I have two humidifiers blowing at max fan 24/7. Static sucks!

  14. Welllll… Sci-Fi world, I’d tell you to save up all that energy and zap the crap out of that bunny boiler if she ever accosted you on the street.Up here in high altitude/low humidity-compounded-by-central heating-and-woodstoves-in-winter-land, you’d fit right in with the rest of us Einstein/Don King/Napolean Dynomite electromagnetic hairstyle folks.If your electric personality bothers you too much, here’s a couple of tips.Drink more water.Get a decent humidifier.Drink more water.And drink more water.And OMG. As I’ve been writing this, I’ve had Kim’s profile gif in the corner of my eye.Is that bunny jerking off? What the hell?

  15. attila seems to be the one with the best advice for you “Static Man”, although there are other ways to discharge that electricity which might involve tights …….but……er….nvm 😉or as the other’s said–wear gloves or something and store it up to use against your stalker.

  16. the only problem with you being static man would be socks geting stuck to your cape.

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