Earlier this week Brian J. Doyle, 55 years old and the Deputy Press Secretary for the U.S. Department of Homeland Security was arrested for going online and having sexually explicit conversations with and sending pornographic video clips to who he thought was a 14 year old girl. I am ashamed to be an American and more disturbingly, I’m ashamed to be a guy. In addition to violating the laws of the United States and being a repulsive creep, he also violated the “Guy Code of Conduct.” We are seriously kicking him out of the club for this. As a public service I will now use the former deputy press secretaries recent faux pas to illustrate the Do’s and Don’ts of meeting people online.
Do: Ask if the person you are chatting with goes to school with your grandchildren.
Don’t: Talk to anyone who doesn’t know what a VHS videotape is.
Do: Assume that if they offer to flash you in exchange for help with their algebra homework, then they’re too young for you.
Don’t: Give them the answers to their algebra homework! They’re only cheating themselves.
Do: If you’ve got a cool job like working for the government or writing an awesome blog, then try to impress them with it.
Don’t: Promise rides in Air Force 1 if you can’t back it up. Chicks may dig a sweet ride, but only if it’s yours.
Do: Use a made up name in chat rooms.
Don’t: Answer the door when the F.B.I. shows up.
Here is a transcript of what I imagine Mr. Doyle’s online conversation may have sounded like:
BJD: I saw ur pic in your profile. U R really hot.
Candigrl: Thx. Why isn’t there a pic of you in your profile?
BJD: I just figured that since I’m on t.v. all the time I didn’t need one.
Candigrl: Wow! UR on t.v.? What do you do?
BJD: I’m the Deputy Press Secretary for the U.S. Dept. of Homeland Security.
Candigrl: UR a secretary? That’s weird.
BJD: No! I’m a Press Secretary! I tell the news people what the government is doing. I hang out with George Bush all the time.
Candigrl: My dad says that George Bush is a conservative, right-wing, nutjob.
BJD: Yeah, he’d never have the guts to talk 2 a really hot girl like you.
Candigrl: U really think I’m hot?
BJD: Sure. If you send me a more interesting pic (.)(.) I’ll tell you something top secret that will be on the news tomorrow ; )
Candigrl: Umm..ok, go ahead.
BJD: Well, wouldn’t it be a shame if Saddam Hussein “accidentally” slipped in his jail cell and sustained a fatal head wound?
Candigrl: What?!!? That’s it? I am not going to show you my boobs for Saddam Hussein news. I thought it was going to be about Nick and Jessica!
BJD: BRB, someone’s at the door. (long pause) GTG, the F.B.I. is here. They always have something important to tell me. C U L8R : )