Our Tax Dollars At Work

Earlier this week Brian J. Doyle, 55 years old and the Deputy Press Secretary for the U.S. Department of Homeland Security was arrested for going online and having sexually explicit conversations with and sending pornographic video clips to who he thought was a 14 year old girl. I am ashamed to be an American and more disturbingly, I’m ashamed to be a guy. In addition to violating the laws of the United States and being a repulsive creep, he also violated the “Guy Code of Conduct.” We are seriously kicking him out of the club for this. As a public service I will now use the former deputy press secretaries recent faux pas to illustrate the Do’s and Don’ts of meeting people online.

Do: Ask if the person you are chatting with goes to school with your grandchildren.
Don’t: Talk to anyone who doesn’t know what a VHS videotape is.

Do: Assume that if they offer to flash you in exchange for help with their algebra homework, then they’re too young for you.
Don’t: Give them the answers to their algebra homework! They’re only cheating themselves.

Do: If you’ve got a cool job like working for the government or writing an awesome blog, then try to impress them with it.
Don’t: Promise rides in Air Force 1 if you can’t back it up. Chicks may dig a sweet ride, but only if it’s yours.

Do: Use a made up name in chat rooms.
Don’t: Answer the door when the F.B.I. shows up.

Here is a transcript of what I imagine Mr. Doyle’s online conversation may have sounded like:

BJD: I saw ur pic in your profile. U R really hot.
Candigrl: Thx. Why isn’t there a pic of you in your profile?
BJD: I just figured that since I’m on t.v. all the time I didn’t need one.
Candigrl: Wow! UR on t.v.? What do you do?
BJD: I’m the Deputy Press Secretary for the U.S. Dept. of Homeland Security.
Candigrl: UR a secretary? That’s weird.
BJD: No! I’m a Press Secretary! I tell the news people what the government is doing. I hang out with George Bush all the time.
Candigrl: My dad says that George Bush is a conservative, right-wing, nutjob.
BJD: Yeah, he’d never have the guts to talk 2 a really hot girl like you.
Candigrl: U really think I’m hot?
BJD: Sure. If you send me a more interesting pic (.)(.) I’ll tell you something top secret that will be on the news tomorrow ; )
Candigrl: Umm..ok, go ahead.
BJD: Well, wouldn’t it be a shame if Saddam Hussein “accidentally” slipped in his jail cell and sustained a fatal head wound?
Candigrl: What?!!? That’s it? I am not going to show you my boobs for Saddam Hussein news. I thought it was going to be about Nick and Jessica!
BJD: BRB, someone’s at the door. (long pause) GTG, the F.B.I. is here. They always have something important to tell me. C U L8R : )

16 responses to “Our Tax Dollars At Work

  1. HI-LARIOUS! Another winner, Phil!!~ Fab : )(damn your word verification- outwitted me again!)

  2. LOL @ Nick & Jessica and “nutjob”..omg too funny!!

  3. Great post! This whole thing is just so disturbing on so many levels. 🙁Loved the “do’s and don’ts”!

  4. ROTFL… what a bloody creep!-N

  5. oh geeez… (heavy sigh) followed by hysterical laughter

  6. HEYYYY!!!*Suspicious look* what did you do to my wink buster?

  7. lol!!!That’s good stuff Phil.

  8. Wonderful post, love you online do’s an don’ts…..as a person who looks at the positive side of things, maybe a few more parents will pay attention to what their children are doing online…

  9. Do you like the song “White Room” by Cream?

  10. You are a silly silly man!

  11. Jessica- I jinxed your wink icon because it those eyes were creeping me out.Sunny, Interesting new pic there. Yes, parents think there kids are safe if they’re in the house. Obviously that’s not the case.Layla, I know the song, but never paid it close attn. Is it about a pedophile?Leighann, Welcome back! I haven’t seen you in a long time!Lest everyone else think I forgot you- Thanks for reading and laughing. There is nothing that perplexes more more than these rich, famous people who go after kids. This guy has to be the dumbest of them all. He works for the government! The people who monitor us online. (Hello again F.B.I.!) This guy also once got caught watching adult porn on his work computer when he worked for TIME Magazine! And the gov’t hired him!BTW everyone, I just failed my own word verification.

  12. OH MY GOD…What the fuck is going on in your country??

  13. Princess- I’m sure it’s going on in your country too, it’s just that your Dudley Do Right police force isn’t fast enough on horseback to catch the pervs.

  14. you know, an ex boss used to watch porn at work all the time. i would go to his office to ask him something and he wouldn’t even bother close the window, sometimes there was sound too. and all his desktop backgrounds used to be really hot girls in compromising positions.


  16. Very funny !!Thanks, Phil … you made me smile!Have a great day, take care, Meow

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