Does This Make My Ass Look Fat?

C’mon, who didn’t love the title to this post? I’m a guy. I carry all my important stuff in a wallet. My post last week dealt with the fact that my willingness to buy a box of wine may indicate that it’s marginally possible that I might not be as young and hip as I used to be. My wallet is also starting to tell me that I’m getting older. You know how you can tell the age of a tree by drilling a hole and counting the rings? You can do the same thing with a man’s wallet. In fact the older a man is, the less likely it is that he’ll notice you drilling a hole in his enormous wallet as it sticks out of his ass like a big, square tumor. We’ve all seen the men who carry their gargantuan wallets in their back pocket. It looks like they’ve got a car battery in their pants. It’s a built in booster seat. I imagine that these guys must look like they’re 7 feet tall when they’re sitting down. My problem is that I’m starting to accumulate “stuff” in my wallet. I could just stick to the AAA card, the blood donor card and my driver’s license if I really wanted to streamline things, but then I’d have to leave behind my coffee club card, my haircut card (I’m almost at 10 so I get a free one!), my movie rental card, my insurance card, and the receipt for every banking transaction I’ve made in the past year. That stuff is important. What if I’m busy having a cup of coffee while getting my hair cut and I decide I want to rent a movie on my way home? I’d have to check my banking receipts to make sure I had enough money left to rent a movie! The other option is to start carrying luggage everywhere like all the women I work with. We walk out of the office at night and they’ve got a purse, an insulated lunch bag, their water bottle, and some other random bag. I don’t carry that much stuff if I’m going on vacation. If I do carry that much stuff, I put it all in my wallet. If I’m wearing coat that’s a lot, and I only wear a coat if I need something to carry my ever burgeoning wallet in. There is no way I’m wearing my wallet in my back pocket and ruining the look of my firmly rounded buttocks. I worked too damn hard on the stairmaster to hide those bad boys. (Honestly, who did a spit take when they read those last two lines?)

13 responses to “Does This Make My Ass Look Fat?

  1. LOL, lemme tell ya the cure (for both male and female) to the “excess baggage” syndrome. Start riding a motorcycle. I’ll tell ya what, shootin down I-75 at 85 on the Zuki with a purse flappin from its strap…..around your neck…is a quick cure, as I’m sure is finding a comfortable perch on a asscheek-wide seat with a bulge the size of a pair of rolled up socks (in the Back pocket boys, in the BACK pocket) throwin ya off ballance. It will reform your packrat ways right quick. I’ve found how completely sufficient a drivers license, a single debit card and a $20 tucked in my pocket is. Course thats not when I’m working and manage to strap 2 cameras, a tripod, a recorder and a map to my bike…..and a louisville slugger…depending on where I’m going and where.

  2. bank receipts?? you mean it’s not money that the big wallet guys are carrying?? damn, how disappointing.

  3. Before last year, I never owned a purse. Ever….I carried a tiny little pouch with a zipper, and it had atm card, credit card, license, health card and CAA card *equivalent to AAA*And thats only if I was going out for an extended period of time. And it stayed in my car regardless….And now, the purse that I own, is big enough for my wallet, keys cellphone, lip gloss, and if I can squeeze a pack of gum in there, that too.I see those guys with the big wallets…I worry about the alignment in their hips.

  4. Maybe you SHOULD get one of those mens purses. You could carry around a snack. Some Hohos or something.

  5. You need a “manbag” Phil!I am the typcial sterotype woman…a briefcase,handbag,manila folders and a bottle of water can all be seen to accompany me into the elavator!

  6. Jessica- I see your creepy disembodied eyes are back.d.- Well of course those bank receipts represent all the fabulous wealth we’re just waiting to spend on the right girl.Princess- It’s interesting to know that you’re so concerned about the hip alignment of old men. It must be a fetish of yours.Gary- I knew this post would bring out some man purse suggestions. That subject could be a whole other post.Michelle- It is funny when I leave work with a few women. They always wonder where I keep all my stuff.

  7. well, guess its not something you will have to concern yourself over again.

  8. Sorry I cannot stop laughing at “Firmly rounded buttocks” OMG 🙂-N

  9. How about a sleek money clip? That shouldn’t interfere with the exhibition of your rounded buttocks. : )~~ Fab

  10. I like men with round butts. Maybe you should get another wallet and fill it up, too 🙂

  11. I don’t carry a purse. I carry my ID, my debit card and some cash. That is it. I hate carring a purse, my mom carries one that feels like she is toting bricks, must be all that make up that i don’t wear. Hmmmmm Tawnya

  12. I did more of a spit-take when you described the women leaving your office with their various luggage. Most of us women cannot go anywhere without lugging half our lives with us. Thank goodness I’m a girl and I have a big old purse to put my big old wallet. My butt does not need to get any bumpier than it already is.

  13. lol now we wouldn’t want any lumps marring the look of your humps!

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