For those of you not from the States or not familiar with the Amish, they are a group of people who due to their personal and religious beliefs have eschewed the modern lifestyle. They live the same way they did over 100 years ago. They don’t use electricity. They ride everywhere in black horse drawn carriages. Their traditions also dictate that clothes be plain and not draw attention to the wearer by cut, color, or any other distinction. They are opposed to buttons and mustaches because they associate them with the military. The older Amish are also opposed to photographs. They live on farms in rural areas and try to hide from society until they want to charge us $400 for a handmade quilt. Bottom line, these folks are more conservative than Rush Limbaugh. There’s your history lesson, now let’s make fun of them!
An Ohio man was given 4 years in prison for extortion earlier this week. Not a big deal right? The interesting twist to the story is that he blackmailed a 75 year old Amish widower out of $67,000. The obvious questions is, what could a 75 year old Amish man have to hide? The second most obvious question is, what old Amish guy has $67,000 laying around to pay off blackmailers? Apparently the 41 year old Ohio man, Patrick Landsdowne, had photos of the old Amish man soliciting a prostitute and he threatened to post the photos on the internet if the old Amish guy didn’t start handing over his life’s savings. Amish are also like the black vulture and the French angel fish in that they mate for life. I wonder if the French angel fish hires a hooker if their mate passes away? (Get it, fish, hook! I slay myself, I really do)
I have a lot of questions about this. This was obviously not the smartest Amish guy ever. If none of his friends have electricity, who the hell cares if his picture is on the internet? No one he knows will see it. And if Amish guys are like regular guys, I’m betting they’re out behind the barn smoking pipes and saying things like, “Ezekiel, I hear thee raised your barn with a trollop from the big city. Dude, that is ballsy with a capital B. Way to go! Up high! (high fives all around)
Do you suppose this old guy just pulled up to a street corner in his horse and buggy to pick up the ‘ho? I’m guessing the if the police wanted to arrest him for this they’d have a pretty easy time with the high speed chase. The arrest of the blackmailer was made after the Amish guys son was notified by the bank that his dad had suddenly been withdrawing large sums of money. The old guy forked over all his money because he didn’t want his picture on the internet. Guess where I read the story? Yup, same place as you’re reading it now. I wonder if the Amish get irony?