The title should have been, “There’s No Good News.” I no longer get a newspaper, so I usually read my news online. I have CNN.com as my homepage. Yesterday I woke up, got out of bed, dragged a comb across my head. On my way downstairs I get my morning coffee, sit down at my computer and click the little blue e on my desktop. The first, big, top of the page headline that appears is “Children Die in Fiery Crash.” What the hell is wrong with people?!!? Do the people who decide what story to lead the CNN page with think that a headline like that will actually get us to want to read? I think I could probably sue for the P.T.S.D. I developed from reading that headline. There wasn’t even a warning stating that “this news page may contain content disturbing to younger viewers or Phil.” Who in their right mind reads an article like that? I don’t want to know about innocent children perishing in a fiery plane crash. Then in the sidebar where they have headlines for other articles I see a headline that says “Two cops die in motorcycle parade honoring widows.” (I’m paraphrasing here because I don’t remember it exactly, but that’s pretty damn close) This was followed today by the news story reporting that “Aztecs Butchered, Ate Spanish Invaders.” Apparently there wasn’t enough bad news today, so they dug up a story from 500 hundred years ago just to remind us that the world has always sucked. As you can imagine, the joy filling my heart was overwhelming. Is it possible that news stories like this are why the Iraqis keep kidnapping and threatening to kill journalists? Apparently I’m not the only person unhappy with the news.
When I become President or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m passing a law requiring that every news organization in the world, including Aljazeera, begin their news (broadcast, print, or online) with a happy story. I want to read stories about a family nearly bankrupt and about to be homeless winning the lottery, or people with handicaps being miraculously cured or witty, well written bloggers being discovered by powerful editors who give them their own weekly syndicated humor column. That’s the kind of news I want to start my day with.
When I win the lottery, which probably won’t even be mentioned on CNN, I’m going to start my own “Happy News” station. With all the crap channels on cable and satellite t.v. I find it hard to believe that there isn’t a place for “Happy News.” Or do you think I should call it Phil’s Happy News?