An Idiot Full of Sound and Fury

Dear Venezuelan President Chavez,

I hope you enjoyed your visit to New York. Your nonsensical ravings demanding President Bush resign, calling him “the devil,” and stating that the podium still smelled like “sulfur” a day after he used it were hysterical. Clearly Robin Williams’ new movie about a comedian being elected President is based on your life. It was even funnier a few days later when your Prime Minister showed up at the airport unannounced, bought a ticket with cash for a flight leaving in 30 minutes, and refused to get off his cell phone to answer questions from airport security. Brilliant! Behave like a terrorist then act outraged when you’re pulled out of line for closer inspection. That must have taken some clever planning by you two just to get another opportunity to call George Bush “Mr. Devil.”

President Chavez, can I call you Hugo? Good. Listen Hugo, I found your antics in New York this week exceedingly entertaining, but you are obviously not the sharpest tool in the shed, and here’s why:

1) You are actively antagonizing a member of the Bush family. While I am no fan of their politics and have been known to have fun at their expense, I’m not stupid enough to aggressively provoke anyone named Bush. This family seems to make a hobby out of bombing small countries. Hmmm….Venezuela. Doesn’t your country have some oil fields? I wonder, what are the chances that George Bush might decide to bomb a small country over something as insignificant as a little oil? I’m guessing that filling up AirForce One at nearly $3.00 a gallon is getting old fast. And don’t even think of trying to talk junk about Florida. First of all, because that’s my gig, and secondly, George’s brother, Florida Governor Jeb Bush, would probably have no qualms about invading your little country with an army of alligators, rednecks, and giant bugs.

2) My second issue with your pre-adolescent attempt at international politics is that it is directed at the wrong guy. George Bush is on his way out. He’s a lame duck President. Virtually powerless. The guy you want to go for is our next President, me. Then again, you might want to think twice on that front. I’m a big fan of expansion. I like the fact that the U.S. owns states that aren’t anywhere near our country. We bought Alaska for the oil and for a place to hunt and fish despite the fact that it is basically a province of Canada. Hawaii? C’mon, we needed somewhere to vacation. So we’ve got a U.S. outpost to the north and to the west. I’m thinking we may need one to the south. How do you feel about Venezuela becoming our 51st state? You may not have a choice. Hey, if scientists can suddenly decide that Pluto is no longer a planet, as President I’m pretty sure it will be relatively easy to decide that Venezuela is no longer a country.



*I just want to say a quick Hello to the F.B.I. and Homeland Security task force who are no doubt reading this because whatever software you use to monitor the internet alerted you that I had used the words “President, George Bush, and bombing” in this post. You guys are doing a great job and everyone here at The Phil Factor appreciates you keeping the country safe. Feel free to forward the link to this post to everyone at the Pentagon. I’m sure you guys could use a laugh. And if you see Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice in the hallway please tell her that the whole “brainy chick with power” thing she has going on totally floats my boat.

22 responses to “An Idiot Full of Sound and Fury

  1. I have to say I never saw or heard any news regarding his visit to New York. To be honest haven’t been watching much T.V. these days.Love what you wrote though. Very intertaining. Keep it coming….Cheers from the westcoast.

  2. johan k. santana is the president of venezuela. i don’t know who this chavez dude is.

  3. Sorry, Phil, Condi is already taken – by a Canadian(!)Foreign Affairs Minister Peter MacKay.I wonder if this means the Province of Nova Scotia will become the 51st state.

  4. ROTFL…ahhhh Bush may be the worst president ever…but he is also the funniest…well…at least if we take out the fact that so many people are dying in Iraq, that a lot of people are dying here because they have no jobs and/or no money for meds, that we are poisoning the environment and we might all go to hell…wait…maybe he is not that funny…other than we he tries to speak.-N

  5. I can see it now, all your newest fans will be coming from .gov sites.

  6. Thanks for the laugh. This post did not disappoint 🙂

  7. Good post my man, but Condoleeza Rice?! Seriously?! Dude, you need to start watching MTV or something….

  8. Qualicum RN- Thanks. As far as people who do a lot for this country, I hold nurses right up there in my regard with the armed services.Say Rah!- Although Johan Santana is the AL Cy Young winner again, he only rules baseball, not Venezuala. Josie- I have a feeling that Condi is only dating MacKay so she can sweet talk him into handing over Nova Scotia.Natalia- Actually, I think George Bush may have been a lame duck President for the last 6 years.

  9. Dayngrgrl-That’s my goal exactly. Occasionally I intentionally write posts just so I can throw in words that will make the government take notice. I’m hoping the all come back after reading a little. BTW, I’ve got to get you in my blogroll too.dzeni- All the bluster and bravado in my last post was nonsense. I had no idea what I was going to write. I just wanted people to come back.Jock- Just kidding about Condi, although I’d rather look at her giving a speech than some grizzled old politician any day.

  10. Just try to avoid throwing “hijack” and “cannibalism” in there. Shit. I just did. I Should follow other people’s advice more often.

  11. WanderingGirl- Maybe I can write a post about hijacking a boat full of cannibals. See how careful I was not to say ‘airplane”? (Oops! HeHe, just kidding F.B.I.)

  12. woohoo, stopped by just in time to learn i am either an aligator, a redneck or a bug….***Smh***

  13. Wow and I didnt even know he was in NYC (hangs head in shame)

  14. If only Bush had the “brainy boy with power”-thing going for him. But he really doesn’t, does he? lol

  15. I thought Hugo Chavez was hilarious. And me and my friends were in TEARS laughing so hard over his comments. However, the best part of the clip that I posted on my blog, was heraing the entire conference burst out laughing, and clapping. THAT, my dear Phil, was comic gold.And i’ve had it up to my eyeballs with the department of homeland security. I understand that they are trying to do their job, and thats fine. But they dont have to be jerks while they are doing it.

  16. Great post … you have such a way with words !!!Hope you are having a great week.Take care, Meow

  17. J- Thanks for stopping by again. Long time no see. I don’t think you are any of the three.Rachel, Rachel, Rachel (big sigh) I guess you’ll have to come to my blog for your news from now on.ChooChoo- Lol! No, he definitely doesn’t.Princess- I laughed hysterically at Hugo Chavez, and still am. Take it easy on the Dept. of Homeland Security,. My brother is one of them and I’m sure he’s not a jerk about it. Meow- Thank you. You always leave the best compliments!

  18. LOL… I’ve been lurking for a while cause I love your sense of humour but I have to say, this one made me laugh out loud.Keep up the great writing

  19. Why was Chavez in NY anyway?

  20. Saw bits and pieces of it on tv here….funny as hell, seen a few sending it up, not as good as you though :o)

  21. Aussie- Thanks for giving up lurking and coming out into the open. Thanks for the compliment. I hope you come back.Travelin’ PT- He was giving a speech to the U.N. I’m not sure why.Michelle- Thank you. It justs makes me laugh at a national leader behaving like that. It’s kind of a nice change.

  22. rqvDid you know they’ve made a Hugo Chavez doll?I’m wondering if it makes Bush-provoking remarks when you pull its string. Fun at parties! Amuse the F.B.I.!

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