Dear Venezuelan President Chavez,
I hope you enjoyed your visit to New York. Your nonsensical ravings demanding President Bush resign, calling him “the devil,” and stating that the podium still smelled like “sulfur” a day after he used it were hysterical. Clearly Robin Williams’ new movie about a comedian being elected President is based on your life. It was even funnier a few days later when your Prime Minister showed up at the airport unannounced, bought a ticket with cash for a flight leaving in 30 minutes, and refused to get off his cell phone to answer questions from airport security. Brilliant! Behave like a terrorist then act outraged when you’re pulled out of line for closer inspection. That must have taken some clever planning by you two just to get another opportunity to call George Bush “Mr. Devil.”
President Chavez, can I call you Hugo? Good. Listen Hugo, I found your antics in New York this week exceedingly entertaining, but you are obviously not the sharpest tool in the shed, and here’s why:
1) You are actively antagonizing a member of the Bush family. While I am no fan of their politics and have been known to have fun at their expense, I’m not stupid enough to aggressively provoke anyone named Bush. This family seems to make a hobby out of bombing small countries. Hmmm….Venezuela. Doesn’t your country have some oil fields? I wonder, what are the chances that George Bush might decide to bomb a small country over something as insignificant as a little oil? I’m guessing that filling up AirForce One at nearly $3.00 a gallon is getting old fast. And don’t even think of trying to talk junk about Florida. First of all, because that’s my gig, and secondly, George’s brother, Florida Governor Jeb Bush, would probably have no qualms about invading your little country with an army of alligators, rednecks, and giant bugs.
2) My second issue with your pre-adolescent attempt at international politics is that it is directed at the wrong guy. George Bush is on his way out. He’s a lame duck President. Virtually powerless. The guy you want to go for is our next President, me. Then again, you might want to think twice on that front. I’m a big fan of expansion. I like the fact that the U.S. owns states that aren’t anywhere near our country. We bought Alaska for the oil and for a place to hunt and fish despite the fact that it is basically a province of Canada. Hawaii? C’mon, we needed somewhere to vacation. So we’ve got a U.S. outpost to the north and to the west. I’m thinking we may need one to the south. How do you feel about Venezuela becoming our 51st state? You may not have a choice. Hey, if scientists can suddenly decide that Pluto is no longer a planet, as President I’m pretty sure it will be relatively easy to decide that Venezuela is no longer a country.
*I just want to say a quick Hello to the F.B.I. and Homeland Security task force who are no doubt reading this because whatever software you use to monitor the internet alerted you that I had used the words “President, George Bush, and bombing” in this post. You guys are doing a great job and everyone here at The Phil Factor appreciates you keeping the country safe. Feel free to forward the link to this post to everyone at the Pentagon. I’m sure you guys could use a laugh. And if you see Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice in the hallway please tell her that the whole “brainy chick with power” thing she has going on totally floats my boat.