I’m On The Pill !!!

Ok, I’m not on the pill, but the important thing is, I could be. Scientists have reportedly finished developing a birth control pill for men. This development may completely revolutionize dating. I imagine that unless I was near death it would be impossible to get in to see my doctor right now because of the number of men clamoring to get a prescription for “the pill.” I’m sure most women are thinking, “No thanks. Are you expecting us to trust men to remember to take a pill every day when they can’t even remember to call us the next day?” On behalf of all men I would like to respond to women’s skepticism by saying, “Of course you can trust us to take the pill! This is important!” Again, at the risk of being ostracized by my fellow men, allow me to enlighten women about how the male mind works. There are two things that motivate us. Two primal instincts that are hardwired into our brain. We like sex, and we like really cool toys, especially if they’re loud, go fast, or blow things up. We like our sex that way too.

The difference between those two things however is equal to the difference between…hmm…let me think of how to put this into terms that women will understand. The difference between our love of cool toys and gadgets and our love of sex is like the difference between getting a new blender for your anniversary or getting a dozen long stemmed, red roses, a box of Godiva Chocolates and a diamond necklace for your anniversary while you’re out for dinner at a nice restaurant drinking magaritas. My point is, nothing motivates men more than sex. If taking a pill every day increases our chances of having sex, then you can bet we would remember to take that pill before we remembered to feed ourselves. Or breathe.

Many times you see women almost shy, demure around men when it comes to discussing birth control as if it is an embarrassment to consider planning ahead for the possibility of sex. In the past when a single night, or relationship was progressing to the point where birth control becomes relevant a usually awkward conversation ensues. “Umm..do you got something?” “Uh..no, do you?” With the new male birth control pill that uncomfortable moment with be gone forever. Also gone will be lame pick-up lines. Men everywhere will just approach women and say, “Hi! I’m on the pill!” If men have anything to do with the marketing of the new male birth control pill each prescription will come with a t-shirt that says just that.

Who I feel sorry for is the young women with unresolved father issues. Take a middle aged man, add the pill and an erectile dysfunction medication that may cause a woody lasting several hours and these poor young women searching for a replacement for daddy’s lack of attention when they were young won’t have a chance to catch their breath. Also, much the way that programs on Lifetime and The Oxygen Network are filled with commercial breaks espousing the wonders of wings and plastic applicators, mens’ sports programming will soon contain only ads for The Pill and beer. In fact, the ads will probably show men taking their pill and washing it down with a cold, refreshing, amber beverage made with crystal clear water taken from mountain streams. The ads will also probably show a lot of scantily clad women. That’s generally a given regardless of the product.

13 responses to “I’m On The Pill !!!

  1. Where do I get in line? Or more important, when can I get in line?

  2. Scantily clad women in commercials? No way. That would never happen. πŸ™‚

  3. Thank you, Phil, for spreading the message. I’ll be looking for the t-shirts…no shirt? Not interested.

  4. Awesomeness. Although I’d be celebrating more if they had found a cure for AIDS or Cancer. However, making it less likely that random men will impregnate random women on a drunken one-night stand is also worth celebrating. *snoopydance*-N

  5. Ya..i heard about those pills…they’re not too bad an idea. Although, id be wary of the side effects. A pill, that fucks around with testosterone….OHHH maybe they’ll increase estrogen, and some of you might actually be sensitive for a change. Wouldnt that be nice. **Not ALL of you, some of you.

  6. *perk*…. hhhhmmmm… at the lovely age of 37… and having certain “daddy” issues… just as you might imagine… i’m saying in a very bad accent, “berry berry interestinK”

  7. Yeah, I think the men most likely to use them are the ones terrified of having children. Sold!

  8. I find it hilarious and appropriate that the first two commenters on this post are men.Everything every women here said has me laughing. You ladies never fail to disappoint.

  9. Somehow…a birth control pill for men seems so wrong. This seems the surest way to eventually wipe out the population on planet earth and change the facets of human interaction and reproduction as we know it.

  10. We never fail to disappoint? So, we always disappoint you? πŸ™ *heartbroken*-N

  11. Natalia- OOPS I meant the opposite of what I said. I’m never disappointed in the intelligence and humor of your comments.

  12. hmmmm your analogy to the gifts for an anniversary…I can think of all kinds of toys and gadgets that would a lot more fun than a dozen red roses πŸ˜‰

  13. I dunno, i still believe if birth control was left up to men, the world would be over populated!

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