For those of you who haven’t followed my rise to fame from the beginning, Cell Phone People is an ongoing series of posts much like The Guy Code of Conduct. As I have pointed out before, almost all of us who have evolved from the primordial ooze and learned to walk upright have learned to use tools. First, prehistoric man learned to use sticks and tree limbs as crude levers to move heavy objects. The discovery of fire and the invention of the wheel followed soon after. The cell phone is a tool of modern man. Some people use it appropriately as a tool while others use their cell phone as if the call button is the control for a morphine drip. It is these people upon whom I wish terrible things.
Last spring one of Saddam Hussein’s henchmen was blown up because the U.S. Army used GPS technology to track his cell phone signals and then aimed a missile at the exact location of his cell phone. I wonder if he was talking on it at the time or if it was in his pocket. Ouch! Then during 2005 there was the Cell Phone Bandit who robbed several banks as she walked up to a teller while talking on her cell phone. All of this backs up my premise that chronic cell phone user=evil.
Here is an excerpt from today of an Associated Press report out of Vellejo, California: “Firefighters arrived at the residential hotel Saturday night to find Picaso lying on the bathroom floor after a malfunctioning cell phone in his pants pocket set fire to his nylon and polyester clothes, Henke said.”
I’m not saying Picaso is evil, but he did have a cell phone on his person. Where’s my cell phone? In the glove compartment of my car. If I need it I’ll open it up and turn it on. Apparently if you carry them on you they just might decide to kill you all on their own. Or perhaps Picaso was hit by a tiny missile from the U.S. Army. There are two important lessons to be learned from this tragic situation: 1) Don’t carry your cell phone constantly, and 2) nylon and polyester clothes are a bad fashion statement in more ways than one.
“Technology is the opiate of the asses”- Phil, circa June 2006