When I become President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I will pass a law forming a committee that will be in charge of approving the names of all children in the United States. It is a crime some of the ridiculous names that parents saddle their children with. Here are some of the restrictions that will be part of the Name Committee’s mandate:
1) No child with the last name of Head will ever be named Richard. Any family with the last name of Time may not name their child Justin. Any other similar idiocy may be struck down by the committee.
2) You may not give multiple children in the same family the same name. It is not different if you put a II, III, or IV after it.
3) Do not make up new names. You are not smarter or more creative than the people who lived on this earth for thousands of years before you. If it didn’t exist as a human name prior to the child’s birth, you cannot make it a name. No naming children after objects, events, pieces of fruit, or places.
4) Everyone must go by the name they were given at birth. If you become famous, stick with the name you were given. We all find out your birth name anyway, stop trying to be pretentious.